- Three of Elizabeth Taylor’s marriages were shorter, and contained fewer lies, than The Irishman.
- Cuz nothing that happened, happened.
- The Irishman will have you believe that Robert De Niro committed every crime of the 20th century.
- Hoffa.
- Joey Gallo.
- Albert Anastasio.
- Judge Crater.
- Remember when Baby Jessica fell down that well?
- According to The Irishman, it’s because Robert De Niro threw her in there.
- Taking only the 45-hour-long movie I just watched as historical evidence, Robert De Niro cut a miraculous and murderous path through the post-war years while interacting with fabulous American personalities up and down the social register.
- Just like Forest Gump did.
- Everyone else who writes about this movie is gonna use the phrase “meditation on aging,” but they’re not gonna tell you that the film is a rip-off of Forest Gump.
- Never trust movie critics.
- Or movie buffs.
- Never trust a buff of any sort, actually.
- Civil War buffs are the worst, I suppose: warped bastards with a gangrene fetish who like to vacation in fields full of dead teenagers.
- But movie buffs are pretty bad.
- They always want you to watch Solaris.
- I don’t wanna watch Solaris.
- I don’t wanna watch the other Solaris, either.
- LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME WATCH CARTOONS AND KUNG FU MOVIES.
- Oh, and “elegy.”
- I guarantee that you will not read a single piece about The Irishman without “elegy” in there somewhere or other.
- Here’s every single review:
-
“The Irishman is an elegiac meditation on aging, and Scorsese’s best since [INSERT MOVIE THAT IS NOT THE ONE ABOUT THE MONKS WITH KYLO REN AND SPIDER-MAN HERE].”
- But you will not get that here.
- What will you get?
- I dunno; maybe I should just keep typing and we’ll both find out together.
- (In case you’re wondering: Casino is Scorsese’s last great film, because Casino is his last epic that does not star Leonardo DiCaprio. Plus, Casino features Don Rickles as a character named “Billy Sherbert,” and that’s the kind of attention to detail I enjoy in my motion pictures.)
- Anyway, Robert De Niro plays the Irishman, whose name I am already forgetting.
- Joe Pesci’s character was called Russell Bufalino, which is easy to remember.
- First off, there simply aren’t a lot of major crime figures in American history named “Russell.”
- And “Bufalino” is a both a cheese I enjoy, and sounds kinda dirty.
- 60-70% of all Italian names sound like euphemisms for anal sex.
- (This is not a comment on the Italian people. They’re lovely; tasty bread; fine automobiles. All their names sound like what you’d call butt-fucking if you were discussing the subject in front of your grandmother.)
- So, Joe Pesci is a bigshot in the Philly mob.
- A pezzonovante, a real .90 caliber.
- He falls in love with Mumbles.
- (I will be referring to Robert De Niro as “Mumbles” hereafter.)
- They meet in restaurants a lot and dip bread in wine.
- I guess that’s a thing.
- Dunking a doughnut in coffee?
- I’ve heard of that.
- Hell, they based a whole franchise around the activity.
- But I never seen nobody dipping no bread in no wine, no how.
- Joe Pesci says,
- “I got a job for you. Go whack Big Grande Testiculoni.”
- And Mumbles says,
- “Mrphrhpmmphrh.”
- And goes and kills the guy.
- About 90 minutes of that.
- The entire running length of the 1998 documentary A Night At The Roxbury, that’s all that happens.
- “Go kill Nipples Arrividerci.”
- “Mrphrhpmmphrh.”
- Dip dip dip.
- Repeat until Al Pacino shows up and starts yelling.
- Wait.
- No.
- Excuse me, I’ve made an error.
- Al Pacino was not in this movie.
- His over-acting twin brother All Pacino was.
- Al has been sending All in his stead since the late 90’s.
- And when you get All Pacino, you get ALL PACINO.
- You get the shouting, you get the ranting, you get the lines that go from whispers to THROAT-SHREDDING YOWLS in the space of one word.
- If you were to ask All Pacino where he was on a scale of 1 to 10, he would answer “FUCK YOURSELF” and then take a shit in his own pants just to prove he’s the master of his destiny.
- Anyway, Mumbles falls in love with All Pacino.
- This makes Joe Pesci and his enormous eyeglasses jealous.
- The Irishman is secretly a deeply gay movie.
- Of course, Mean Streets and Raging Bull were also homosexual love stories.
- And The Last Waltz, too.
- You can’t convince me that Scorsese and Robbie Robertson weren’t fucking each other.
- At the least, they were hand-helping one another.
- Which is not gay, especially if you do it to a John Ford film.
- Seriously, none of this shit is true.
- Read this.
- Did you not read that?
- This is from that; look at it:
- Did you look at that?
- Makes you wanna read the thing it’s from, huh?
- Horseshit, all of it.
- Faker than the CG blood squibs that arise from the newly-retired gangsters.
- The Irishman contains just as much reality as, oh, say, I dunno…
- …
- Wait for it.
- …
- …a superhero film.
- BOOM!
- GOT YOU, SCORSESE!
- Some of the movie’s assertions are prima facie stupid for anyone who knows anything about the Mob.
- According to The Irishman, Joey Gallo got shot by Mumbles for insulting Joe Pesci at the Copa.
- Which is not how it went down.
- Joey had just gotten out of jail for starting a gang war, and was now attempting to start another one.
- Pretty much everyone but Jerry Orbach wanted him dead.
- (Joey Gallo was good friends with Jerry Orbach. Long story. The 70’s were weird.)
- WAIT!
- I FORGOT THE BEST PART!
- Apparently, we are to believe that Mumbles was part of the Bay of Pigs.
- He drove the truck full of guns and grenades and whatnot down to Florida.
- Killed Hoffa.
- Murdered Crazy Joe Gallo.
- AND armed the Cuban exiles who disastrously tried to retake their home with the aid of the CIA.
- I’m shocked that Mumbles wasn’t on the grassy knoll.
- I am not kidding: Ant-Man is more believable than this pile of well-shot garbage.
- You heard me.
- Garbage.
- Don’t cum in my hair and tell me it’s pigeon poop, Martin Scorsese.
- Especially the last four hours or so when Mumbles is old.
- And we’re supposed to feel bad for him.
- His daughter won’t speak to him.
- Just because he, you know, murdered all those people.
- And funded her childhood with blood money.
- Then–FUCKING THEN–we get a scene where the FBI comes to visit ol’ dyin’ Mumbles.
- He don’t give ’em nothing.
- That’s a man, the film tells us.
- Never opened his mouth.
- EXCEPT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK.
- No matter which version of the truth The Irishman decides to go with, everyone involved looks shitty.
- But I’ll give Scorsese this: I watched the whole fucking thing.
- And I really want to rewatch Casino.
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