As far as I can understand, John Podesta–whose e-mail password is “password,” apparently–or his brother is friends with Marina Abramovic who is a performance artist that stares at people in museums. If you stare at people in bars, you get punched, but she does it in museums and gets to be friends with Jay-Z and be taken very seriously.

Marina has a routine she calls Spirit Cooking; when she was poor and trying to bother people, the food would have her bodily fluids. (Performance artists are varied in their presentations and themes, but the one thing that unifies them is that they want to put their bodily fluids on or in you. Shit, piss, blood, cum: performance artists want to fling these things at you.) Now, though, Marina is rich and so are her friends; these are not people who will put up with being served turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce made from menstrual blood; she still does her whole spritz about whatever this bullshit’s about, but the fluids are symbolic.

Anyway, she invited John Podesta (or his brother) and neither of them responded; how Satan got involved is anyone’s guess. Word spread among credulous ninnies and the easily-perturbed that Hillary Clinton’s associates were attending occult ceremonies. And while the events of this year may lead one to believe that someone, somewhere, has made a deal with the devil about something: this is not it.

BUT I had a question. What if you performed a black magic ritual as performance art? Would it count? Does a Black Mass still count if you’re working from a script instead of a liturgy? (A Black Mass has a liturgy. An evil liturgy, sure, but it has one. You don’t just make a Black Mass up as you go.) If you’re a Catholic, and you did that back-and-forth with the priest like at the end of The Godfather–Do you renounce Satan, I do, etc.–and you participate in performance art Satanism, do you not get into Heaven?

What if you summon a demon, but not all spooky like: you have a degree from RISD and you’re in a friend’s loft space and everyone’s drinking white win? Would the demon even hear that, and if so: would the demon know you did not mean it? Isn’t this kind of thing the first act of 70% of all horror movies? Yeah: this a terrible idea. Do not do this.

TotD top tip: Performance art is no excuse for Satanism! Don’t take the chance.