SENATE HEARING ROOM – MORNING
“Y’all gonna settle! Y’all gonna settle yo’selves right down now! I won’t have it, all that ruckus all y’all creatin’ in here. Maybe you can fool around like that at House hearings, but that whole organization done gone to over to the dark side. This is the United States Senate, and we don’t let Satan in. Every morning, my boy brings me in my mirror and I look in it and I say to myself, ‘Lindsay Graham, you gotta be a goalie for Christ. Don’t let the foul one in.’ And, hoo boy, I got my pads on today.”
“How long will the Chairman be raving like a lunatic?”
“Blumenthal, I’ll cut you. You know I’m not the bitch to fuck with. You know I got razors.”
“Just get to the point, Senator.”
“I’m gonna, but jus’ because I wanna. Not because you said so. Okay, so…where was I? Oh! We was gonna have a li’l visit with the Attorney General o’ these here United States, Mr. William Barr. How’s your momma an’ them, Billy?”
“I would categorize their status as ‘fine,’ Senator. Thank you for asking.”
“Thank you, Mr. Attorney General, for your service to this country and for your savoir faire. That’s French. You speak French, Billy?”
“I do not, Senator.”
“It’s a Romance language in e’ry way. My, you fill out that suit.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Here’s what I wanna know: is this a witch hunt, or is this here the witchiest hunt?”
“I couldn’t say, Senator.”
“Far as I’m concerned, the Mueller Report came out, and now let’s move on. It’s like that ol’ Avengers movie. Okay, I watched it, and now life continues. But these Democrats are so crazed by losin’ an election two whole years ago that we gotta spend our day doin’ this here busywork. Mr. Barr, would you categorize Robert Mueller as an enemy of America? I would, but I wanna hear your thoughts.”
“I couldn’t say one way or the other, sir.”
“Robert Mueller an’ his crew are gestapos, I do declare. You walk in that office they got over there: nothin’ but gestapos. Boy who gets you your shandy? Thass a gestapo boy. Them ladies? They’s gestapos, too. An’ they out to get Mr. Donald Trump, who is beautiful and pure and right. He glows with the radiance of newborn stars. His powers, when marshaled, are such that wounds may be healed. HE CAN DO THESE THINGS! An’ hoo boy can he whup my butt out on that golf course there. How ’bout you, Billy?”
“The President has beaten me at golf several times.”
“That man’s got a swing like Duke Ellington. He inspires envy within me, and he dresses well.”
“Mm. I would agree.”
“Mr. Barr, is it your informed opinion that the President didn’t do nothin’ wrong?”
“Yes.”
“And that’s a blanket statement?”
“It is.”
“Good enough for me! I call these hearings closed–”
GAVEL NOISE!
“–and suggest we all get ourselves a mojito. They’s only two weeks left in mojito season, y’all.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Chairman. You can’t just gavel the session closed like that.”
“Hush up, Senator Feinstein. I can smell you, woman. You’re rotting.”
“I buried Harvey Milk; I’ll bury you, Linda.”
“Wretched sow. Go ‘head with yo’ questions.”
“Thank you. Mr. Attorney General, good morning.”
“It may or may not be a good morning, Senator Feinstein.”
“Yes, well. On the date of April 4th, you released a memo summarizing the Mueller Report, but–”
“Ma’am, I would object to the term ‘summarizing.'”
“You would?”
“Yes.”
“What would you call it?”
“Illumination of the salient.”
“What now?”
“A fleshy annotation.”
“Ew.”
“A multi-pronged exegesis.”
“Mr. Attorney General, you are not here to argue about the meanings of words.”
“I disagree.”
“On the date of April 4th, you released a memo. Is that correct?”
“It depends on the meaning of ‘release.’ Physically? Freed from my grasp?”
“In the sense of ‘issued to the public.'”
“Ah. My office did send out a memorandum that day.”
“And the contents of that memo were, in fact, challenged by Robert Mueller in a letter dated March 27th.”
“Mm. Have you read the man’s letter?”
“I have, yes.”
“Then you’ll understand why I tossed it aside. The tone was unctuous and harsh.”
“Sir, Mr. Mueller’s letter had no tone.”
“The tone lurked, Senator, in the white spaces between words, and in the unwritten. It provided the gluey stock that held the gumbo of insult together. He may as well have struck me in my face or genitals. Were these the old days, you’d have to duel a man who wrote you a letter like that.”
“No, sir.”
“And then he called me on the telephone and referred to me as a ‘tallywhacker.'”
“That didn’t happen.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“Time’s up, jewbag!”
“You look like grown-up Chucky.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“I don’t know what a Chucky is! Anyway, we gonna keep on a-rollin’ with my good friend, a wonderful man, a powerful beard-possessor, and one of the leading intellectual lights of the Republican Party, Ted ‘Theodore’ Cruz from the great state of Texas.”
“Oh, I see what you did.”
“I referred to you as Ted ‘Theodore’ Cruz like in the film Bill & Ted.”
“That’s wild. Just wild. Thank you, Senator. You bring a lightness and a levity to these proceedings that some in the chambers wish to extinguish with divisiveness and hatred. As you know, I’ve brought to the floor a bill to officially declare all Democrats as draculas. Like, if you’re a Democrat, well: boom, now you’re a dracula. And you gotta tell the people at the DMV within 30 days or you lose your right to vote. It’s a solid piece of Constitutional legislation.”
“That’s just super.”
“Mr. Attorney General, would you agree that all Democrats are draculas?”
“I wouldn’t disagree.”
“Capable of turning into bats?”
“I’ve not witnessed the transformation myself, but we can’t take it off the table. Serious possibility.”
“Delightful. If President Trump were to turn into an animal, which animal would it be?”
“Oh, this is a fun game.”
“The Senate is the fun chamber. Everyone knows this. We have a Candy Desk.”
“The President would turn into a lion, I suppose. Maybe a bear, but I would go with lion.”
“Lion was the first thing that came to me, too.”
“Majestic, ferocious, strong.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“You two is jus’ like two doodlebugs inna juniper bush. You stop it ‘fore you get me all worked up an’ I gotta go home an’ watch Lifetime movies. I degrade myself while watching these motion pictures.”
“Mr. Chairman, it is my turn to speak.”
“You shut your mouth, Senator Harris. You make me wish I had a time machine. See who’s all mouthy then.”
“I’m just gonna speak. Mr. Attorney General, did you read the entire Mueller Report?”
…
“Who told you I didn’t read it?”
“Answer the question, sir.”
“Define ‘read.'”
“No. Stop that. Sir, did you read the entire report?”
“Did I read the entire ridiculously long report? Is that what you mean? With no graphs or charts whatsoever, nothing to break up the boredom. I dipped in and out. Read a couple pages, played around on my phone, flipped forward a little, read some more. I got the gist.”
“Sir–”
“At heart, I’m a gist-man, anyway.”
“Sir–”
“That’s kind of a slogan around the Trump Administration: Just gimme the gist! That’s the way the big guy likes it.”
…
“You did not read the whole report. You then issued a summary of the report, which you did not read, that contained assertions that the authors of the report strongly disagreed with.”
“In a certain light.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“Pardon?”
“Are. You. Shitting. Me. You are the Attorney General of the United States and you are actively–some would say brazenly–acting as the President’s mob lawyer. You’ve lied to Congress on at least one occasion. You’re covering up obstruction of justice. That all of this has gotten this far, and this stupid, is making my head explode and I need to know, Mr. Attorney General: Are you shitting me?”
“I cannot provide an answer to that question.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“Finally! Girly, this whole time you been yappin’, I been thinkin’ ’bout that time machine. We go back 200 years, you an’ me. We have ourselves some fun. It would be exciting!”
“Shut up, Cruella.”
“The Chairman recognizes the Distinguished Gentleman from one o’ the Dakotas. They’s the same thing. Ain’t like North an’ South Carolina. They’s got diff’rent weather an’ diff’rent barbecue, but the Dakotas is jus’ the same. Jus’ a big ol’ cold nothin’ up there. Never been. Don’t plan on it. I’m sorry to say that, Sassy, but that’s what I feel.”
“Sasse, sir.”
“I know. But I like callin’ you Sassy.”
“Uh-huh. Mr. Attorney General, I’m gonna be tough on you here.”
“I shudder at the demise of my prospects.”
“Russia.”
“Yes.”
“They like messing around.”
“They do.”
“They do the mess-around. You know that song?”
“I do not.”
“Ray Charles. Classic. Anyhoo: Russia. You on top of that?”
“We are, Senator.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“No lie. Attacking the problem from all angles.”
“Swear?”
“Hand to God.”
…
“I’m satisfied. I’m satisfied. Let’s consider that battle won. I thank the witness and yield my time back.”
“Oh, my, isn’t that sweet o’ you? You raised right, Sassy. Yo’ momma raised you right, boy. I salute her. I salute all American mommas, Sassy. The American momma is th’ hardest-workin’ momma in the world, but she’s also th’ hardest-lovin’ momma in the world. Can’t get no better than a momma!”
“Mr. Chairman, it’s my turn.”
“Senator Hirono, I resume my ongoing argument that Hawaii ain’t no state. It jus’ ain’t.”
“Your belief notwithstanding, Senator Graham.”
“Military base, hotels, couple farms. That’s it. Ain’t no damn state, an’ I don’t care what some pineapple salesman says ’bout the matter. Why didn’t we get a vote? I put a vote to the floor: Hawaii ain’t no state no more!”
“You can’t do that. I will take the floor now, Mr. Chairman.”
“Never shoulda let you people out them camps.”
“Ignoring that. Mr. Attorney General, you have proven me correct. When you were up for confirmation, I voted against you because I believed you would, like any invertebrate attached to a solid object, take the shape of your master. You have enveloped Donald Trump in the office of the Attorney General, ignoring all facts and dismissing any accusations as ‘fake news.’ You have disgraced the Department of Justice, once known as an independent body dedicated to principle and the law, but now just another snarling dog for this lunatic fuckwit to loose upon his pursuers.”
“OH, NO! I will not have it! Senator Sodoku–”
“Hirono.”
“–you ain’t gonna be spewin’ no oaths up in here! I will not allow such a thing!”
“I will keep it clean. Mr Attorney General, how have you not resigned?”
“Because I’m doing a great job.”
“You have perjured yourself to Congress at least once in the past month. That’s the opposite of a great job. No matter what your job is.”
“My job is keeping President Trump happy.”
“No, it’s not!”
MULTIPLE TWITTER ALERT NOTIFICATIONS NOISE
…
“Mr. Barr, the President of the United States just tweeted out Go have a samurai sword fight with her, AG Barr! VERY RUDE WOMAN! NO COLLUSION! Are you still not resigning?”
“I’ve chosen my path.”
GAVEL NOISE
“Ev’ryone gonna shut up now and drink mojitos with me. Put all this foolishness aside for some civilizing talk an’ such. Tell my boy t’ start muddlin’!”
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