Tag: shark

Hey, Great White Shark. Whatcha doing?

“Honestly? No idea. And call me Bruce.”

Sure, Bruce. You were supposed to be racing Michael Phelps tonight.

“Oh, right. Yeah, that was all bullshit.”

Show biz.

“Fucking show biz, right? Bet that bastard Spielberg had something to do with it.”

You’re still pissed at him?

“He promised me points on the back end!”

On Jaws?

“Jaws IV.”

Oh, well, there you go: there was no back end to that movie.

“Didn’t do too well?”

Nah.

“Huh. Didn’t see it.”

Out of town?

“In the ocean. I’m a shark. No theaters here. Hey, you think Magic Johnson would open one up?”

If you were a Great Black Shark, maybe.

“Everyone’s racist against white sharks, man.”

Not racism. Terrified of being eaten.

“That’s racism! I’m not gonna eat people!”

Why not?

“You taste terrible.”

Okay.

“You’re just bone and gristle and hair. Gimme a seal any day.”

You guys do love seals.

“Dude, they’re all muscle and blubber.”

And that’s good?

“What the fuck do you think a steak is, dummy?”

True. So, you could’ve beat Michael Phelps in a race, right?

“I can beat Michael Phelps in a spelling bee.”

He’s not bright, no.

“But in a race? Shit, man. I’d rock his world.”

You sound sure about that.

“I have a fucking six-foot tall tail, bro. I swish that sucker once or twice and I’m across the pool. Well, actually: I’d die from the fresh water, but you know what I mean.”

Sure. So, what’s next for you?

“Just got hired on by the White House.”

You’ll fit in well there.

“We should have more bites this year than last,” George Burgess, director of the International Shark Attack File at the University of Florida, said in an interview shortly before the Memorial Day holiday weekend that signals the unofficial start of America’s summer vacation – and beach – season.

In 2015, there were 98 shark attacks, including six fatalities, according to Burgess.

Summer is coming, and with it comes the possibility of being eaten by a shark. After all, 98 people does seem like a lot–I don’t have 98 contacts in my phone–so I am choosing to be very afraid. Shark attacks are America’s number three summertime killer, right after weed-whacker disembowelment and being run over by a drunken aunt at a barbecue; your only weapon may be what you learn here. I know we like to goof and gab and have our funsies, but this a dead-serious topic and I implore you to pay attention, and also buy a sticker.

In the interest of public safety TotD now presents What To Do If You’re Attacked By A Shark:

• Try to taste bad.

This has been: What To Do If You’re Attacked By A Shark.