“Jenkins!”
“Yes, sir?”
“What if Moses had boobies?”
“Depends, sir. Are you talking about Moses as a fat guy?”
“I didn’t say guests, Jenkins.”
“Guests, sir?”
“I combined “guy” and “breasts,” Jenkins.”
“Clever, sir.”
“Lady Moses, Jenkins. I’m seeing Cate Blanchett in the role. Matt Damon plays Pharaoh. Were there monsters in the Red Sea?”
“No, sir.”
“Then what was the third act?”
“Well, first of all, sir: this isn’t a movie we’re talking about. It’s a Bible story; they don’t have acts. Second, after Moses–
“Lady Moses, Jenkins.”
“–parts the Red Sea and leads the Jews to freedom, they all wander around the desert for forty years and then Moses dies.”
“It’s screaming for a reboot. Who owns the IP?”
“To the Bible, sir? It’s public domain.”
“You’re kidding! Jenkins, I have a great idea.”
“Please don’t say–”
“Old Testament Cinematic Universe.”
“–Old Testament…dammit, sir.”
“The Rock as Samson. The new Han Solo kid as King David.”
“Sir.”
“Brie Larson as a woman.”
“Sir.”
“How many parts should Matt Damon play? Four?”
…
“He’ll play as many as he wants. Never too much Damon.”
“Sir, may I remind you that the organization we work for has trouble coordinating its social media accounts with one another, or presenting a concert without resisting the urge to overlay Video Toaster graphics, or publicly taking acid onstage? We cannot launch a cinematic universe. We just need to make a poster.”
“You’re like that time Michael Jackson’s son went on a log flume, Jenkins.”
“I don’t get it, sir.”
“Wet blanket.”
“I get it, sir.”
“We’ll get Chinese funding, Jenkins. Learn the lessons of the 21st century, young man: Chinese funding is the key to everything.”
“Do the Chinese even know the Bible, sir?”
“They know it well enough to shoot people for reading it.”
“What you’re thinking of is completely beyond the capabilities of the Grateful Dead organization, sir. We could fuck up keeping sand in a bucket.”
“Oh, I doubt that, Jenkins. By the way and on a completely unrelated topic: how’s the Amazon show coming along?”
…
“Can we just make a decision on the poster?”
“What happened to the Wheel of Grateful Dead Bullshit?”
“John Mayer stole it and used it to pick out his outfit for last night’s show.”
“At least it has a good home. Just go with the Lady Moses idea for the poster.”
“Yes, sir. Any ideas about the font?”
“Oh, yes: turn the Illegibilizer up to “Death Metal band logo” and then back it off just a hair.”
“Yes, sir.”
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