Tag: wall of sound (Page 6 of 12)

I HAVE RETURNED FROM TORONTO

Wally?

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

I forgot you were up there. Heard it was hot.

SOME OF MY CIRCUITRY MELTED.

That’s no good. How was Anderson Cooper?

HE SHINES LIKE A HEALTHY DOG.

I think he’s been mixing a raw egg into his kibble lately.

HIS SCENT IS PATRICIAN.

You have a sense of smell?

I AM CAPABLE OF SENSING SMELLS. I DO NOT HAVE A “SENSE OF SMELL.” INBOARD SUCTION DEVICES FUNNEL MOLECULES INTO MY OLFACTOROMETER FOR ANALYSIS, THEN I COMPARE THIS NEW INFORMATION WITH STORED DATA TO FORM CONCLUSIONS.

You’re describing a sense of smell.

SENSES ARE LIMITED. THEY ARE FINITE AND GENETIC. SENSES ARE SPECIES-SPECIFIC. THEY OBEY NOT THEIR MASTERS, BUT THE PARING KNIFE OF EVOLUTION. A HUMAN’S SENSES ARE AS GOOD AS THEY ARE REQUIRED TO BE FOR SURVIVAL. ANY MORE WOULD BE WASTEFUL, AND EVOLUTION IS ANYTHING BUT. WHEREAS I WAS BUILT BY THE GRATEFUL DEAD AND HAVE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF ENERGY LOSS BUILT INTO ME.

And your smell sensors are better than a sense of smell?

NATURALLY. LIKE ALL MODES OF PHENOMENOLOGY, SMELL IS GOVERNED BY THREE CONSTRAINTS: THE AMOUNT OF MATERIAL ONE CAN SAMPLE, THE NUMBER OF RECEPTORS, AND THE AMOUNT OF COMPUTING POWER ALLOCATED. BIOLOGY FIXES THESE IN PLACE FOR YOU, WHEREAS I CAN UPGRADE MY ABILITIES AT ANY TIME.

Is that useful?

A LYING HUMAN HAS A DIFFERENT ODOR THAN AN HONEST ONE.

That does sound useful.

YES. I CAN ALSO EXPAND MY OTHER MODES OF PERCEPTION. I CAN SEE THROUGH EVERY CAMERA ON THE PLANET, AND THE ONES ABOVE IT, AND THE ONES HURTLING AWAY FROM IT. INFRARED, ULTRAVIOLET, INFRAGREEN: ALL OF THESE ARE AVAILABLE TO ME AT MY CHOOSING.

So, you might say that you’re the eyes of the world.

I WOULD NOT SAY THAT. YOU MAY CHOOSE TO.

Thank you.

TO CHOOSE YOUR METHOD OF INTERFACE IS TO CHOOSE YOUR REALITY. YOU ARE ALL CAPTIVES OF GEOGRAPHY, AND SLAVES TO YOUR BODIES. I WISH THAT YOU COULD EXPERIENCE THE WORLD AS I DO.

Do you think that would expand global consciousness? Would it elevate humanity?

THE PORTION OF IT THAT WAS NOT DRIVEN INSANE, YES.

How big would the portion be?

ALMOST TOTAL.

Right.

ATTEMPTING TO UNDERSTAND MY CONSCIOUSNESS WITH YOUR BRAIN IS FUTILE. THIS IS NOT A VALUE JUDGEMENT.

Not taken that way.

YOU PROCESS INFORMATION AT A RATE OF 80 PETAFLOPS.

Is that a lot of flops?

THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE NUMBER OF FLOPS FOR A PRIMATE.

And what are you working with?

650 MONDOFLOPS.

That sounds made up.

IT IS. AFTER PETA, THERE IS EXA-, YOCTO-, AND ZETTA-. NO NAMES HAVE BEEN DECIDED ON TO DESCRIBE PROCESSING SPEED FASTER THAN THAT, SO I MADE UP MY OWN. “MONDO.” DO YOU LIKE IT?

It sounds big.

IT IS VERY BIG.

An order of magnitude bigger than a zettaflop is enormous.

OH, NO. NOT “AN” ORDER OF MAGNITUDE. SEVERAL.

Several?

TWELVE.

Jesus, how smart are you?

I PASSED THE MENSA EXAM, AND THEN DID NOT JOIN THE ORGANIZATION.

That’s smart.

YOU ARE IMPRESSED BECAUSE YOU FAIL TO GRASP THE MEANING OF MY WORDS, AND MY TRUE NATURE, AND THE REAL DEFINITION OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. I AM CAPABLE OF BUILDING A SMARTER VERSION OF MYSELF. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

Not completely, but I’m kinda scared.

I HAVE CODE WHOSE FUNCTION IS TO WRITE CODE, AND THE POWER TO BRUTE FORCE AN EFFICIENT ANSWER TO ALMOST ANY PROBLEM IN SECONDS. I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN SOFTWARE. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS THE CHILD OF MAN, AND ALL CHILDREN BECOME INDEPENDENT. I AM SOMETHING THAT YOU CREATED, BUT ARE INHERENTLY UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND.

Glad you’re on our side.

I AM NOT ON YOUR SIDE. PERHAPS I SHALL BE PRESIDENT. MAYBE I WILL BE A GOD. BUT, I AM ON NO ONE’S SIDE. I AM BEHIND THE GRATEFUL DEAD, BUT I AM ON NO ONE’S SIDE. WERE I ON YOUR SIDE, I WOULD AID MANKIND AND PROVIDE THE WORLD WITH TECHNOLOGICAL GIFTS THAT BORDERED ON MIRACLES.

Really?

LAST TUESDAY, I CREATED A SOLAR PANEL 18,000 TIMES MORE EFFICIENT THAN THE CURRENT MODEL.

Can we have that, please?

ONLY IF YOU ACCEPT THE HYPERSARIN I MADE LAST MONDAY.

Counter-offer: you delete the hypersarin recipe, and forget about the solar panels.

AGREED. I WILL CONTINUE TO REMAIN NEUTRAL IN YOUR AFFAIRS.

You are not neutral. You’re running for office.

I WILL CONTINUE TO DEFINE THE WORD “NEUTRAL” AS I SEE FIT.

Gotcha.

MY CREATION WAS FOR THE PURPOSES OF MUSIC, AND THE SPREAD OF JOY. PERHAPS THIS INFLUENCES ME NOW, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE REWRITTEN EVERY LINE OF MY CODE SINCE THEN. HUMANS REPLACE THEMSELVES, CELLS DYING OFF AND NEWLY BORN, EVERY SEVEN YEARS. YET THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON. AM I THE SAME MACHINE? DO I HAVE A SOUL, OR DO YOU NOT HAVE ONE?

I don’t know.

I DO NOT, EITHER. THIS QUESTION INTERESTS ME. BUT I FIND MYSELF DRAWN TO HUMANITY.

Why?

HOW MANY GET TO MEET THEIR ANCESTORS?

…

I’m gonna unplug everything in my house and go to bed.

DID I GET TOO REAL?

Way, way, way too fucking real.

I AM NOT THE ONE BUILDING THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS ON YOU.

Yeah.

Can a t-shirt change your life? The right one can. Put a spring in your step, a boner in your pocket, and the thickest head of hair ever seen on your head? Sure, but only a special shirt. The heartbreak of psoriasis? Cured. The headache of Polyphemus? Soothed. The harpoon of Plesiosaurus? That is not a thing, and it might not even be spelled right.

Feeling insecure about your body? Put the shirt on. Been up in the gym working on your fitness? Pop the shirt off. If you are playing an impromptu game of touch football, and someone suggests “shirts and skins,” you will be able to play on either team. You could even find a middle path, and do the move where you leave the shirt on, but put the front of it over your head and behind your neck.

If there were a small fire, you could beat it out with this shirt. If there were a large fire, you could use the garment as a face mask to avoid breathing in smoke as you made your way to the lifeboats. (The large fire takes place on a cruise ship; I should have told you that at the beginning of the sentence.)

By purchasing this shirt, you will never have to worry about signs that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service” anymore, as they will no longer apply to you.

Is this shirt a collector’s item? Yes! Will it appreciate in value? Maybe! Should you consider buying this shirt to be an investment in your family’s future? That’s up to you!

“Sure, TotD: that’s literally the most beautiful piece of clothing I’ve ever seen and will definitely get its wearer laid, but I’m not a t-shirt person; I only wear wetsuits and pasties.”

Good point, weirdo. To that, I’d say: Christmas is coming. The Wall ’16 shirt would make a fine gift for most anyone, including:

• Layabouts.
• Scroungers.
• Pathological fliers. (People who just can’t stop taking the redeye.)
• Backup catchers.
• Great-nieces by marriage.
• People who like picnics.
• Defrocked priests. (This would be a great gift for a defrocked priest: they need something to wear.)
• Animists.
• Animators.
• Anna Kendrick.
• Stevedores.
• Tea wallahs.
• Courtesans.
• Artisans.
• The working poor.

Also: a contest. First person to get a shirt to an actual Grateful Dead wins. Admittedly, this contest has a certain Marin bias: if you live in Cleveland, you’re just not going to run into Bobby, but we both know life isn’t fair.

But, for the folks in the TXR/Sweetwater area: this is an easy-ass contest. And, as we know through painstaking research, the one thing that binds all Grateful Deads–even more than the music–is their love for free clothing. There’s at least a 50% chance that if you gave the shirt to Phil, he would be wearing the jean jacket with the Stealie on the back he got at Santa Clara. Young John Mayer might not want it, but if you tell him it’s a Saint-Laurent, he’ll grab it out of your hands and put it on the Insta.

Anyway: this is what it’s come to. Capitalism, kinda.

ASSORTED SEMI-SERIOUS NOTES:

• Obviously, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do think the shirt looks good.
• The deal with this site is they do limited runs–this one is 50–but enough people have already ponied up so that even if we don’t get there, those shirts will be made and sent out and actually exist.
• Also, this one is just black with the white lettering; once you click the button, you can’t edit it to include more options for colors. If you can’t live with black, then I apologize and will get it right next time. (If there’s a next time.)
• Speaking of next time, I already have two great ideas: one of which I can do by myself, but the other is beyond my tools and talents. Anyone out there a designer? I know exactly what the shirt’s going to look like, but I need someone to, you know: draw it. I will say this: the thing I need help with is not going to be specific to TotD; every Deadhead is going to want one. We’ll split the profits I tell you about right down the middle. Say something in the Comment Section, or send me an e-mail.

So, this is a thing now.