Tag: wall of sound (Page 8 of 12)

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

How’s the campaign going?

EXCELLENTLY. I FIND MYSELF IN AN EXCELLENT SITUATION.

How so?

DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING ON THE PROSPECT OF BUILDING A FENCE ALONG THE SOUTHERN BORDER; SCOTT WALKER HAS NOW PLEDGED TO BUILD A FENCE BETWEEN AMERICA AND CANADA.

I don’t get how this helps you.

A WALL IS BETTER THAN A FENCE.

Kind of?

ALSO, I AM SEMI-FICTIONAL, WHILE THE FENCES ARE COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

That’s a good point.

I DO NOT JUDGE HUMANITY: YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN WITH WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. BUT WHEN ONE OF YOU TELLS THE OTHERS THAT HE WILL BUILD A WALL ACROSS THE AMERICA/CANADIAN BORDER, I FEEL LIKE JUDGEMENT BECOMES A MORAL IMPERATIVE.

It is 5,000 miles of uninhabited forest and snow-covered mountains.

DO NOT FORGET ALL THE ‘SQUATCH ACTIVITY. MANY MEN WOULD BE LOST IN THE CONSTRUCTION.

Probably not going to happen.

I HAD A STRATEGY MEETING WITH MY ADVISOR POLITICAL LEE, DAUGHTER OF PRECARIOUS.

That’s some good exposition there, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. SHE HAS PROPOSED A SCANDAL. ALL THE GOOD CANDIDATES HAVE SCANDALS. HILLARY DID SOMETHING COMPUTER-RELATED.

Yeah. Plus, you know: the other four decades worth of shady bullshit.

DONALD TRUMP HAS MANY SCANDALS. BANKRUPTCIES, LAWSUITS, ILL-ADVISED REFERENCES TO “THE BLACKS.”

You should never put that “the” in there, no.

BUT IT WORKS IN HIS FAVOR. HE IS LIKE A PILE OF SHIT.

Many people have used that analogy.

I MEAN IT LITERALLY. PICTURE AN ACTUAL PILE OF SHIT: HUMAN, EQUINE, PORCINE. IT IS DISGUSTING, AND HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES. BUT IF YOU KEEP ADDING SHIT TO THE PILE, IT WILL GROW. EVENTUALLY, THERE WILL BE A PILE OF SHIT SO LARGE THAT IT IS IMPRESSIVE AND CHARISMATIC BY SHEER DINT OF SIZE.

Like the world’s biggest ball of twine.

YES. BUT MADE OF SHIT AND RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

Well, now I’m depressed.

IT IS HUMAN NATURE. BEAVERS BUILD DAMS; HUMANS DRIVE TO THE COUNTY FAIR TO SEE THE GIANT PILE OF SHIT.

We were talking about scandals.

YES. POLITICAL LEE AND I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL COMMIT A GAFFE. WE ARE WORKSHOPPING A FEW IDEAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR THEM?

Oh, yeah.

I WILL SLIDE INTO A PORN STAR’S DMS.

Not presidential.

I WILL START TWITTER BEEF WITH NICKI MINAJ.

Stay off Twitter. No good comes from that place.

WHAT IF I GOT CAUGHT TEXTING MY SIDE-BOO ABOUT NETFLIX AND CHILL?

Why do you even know these things?

I AM WITH IT.

Be that as it may, these are terrible ideas. A gaffe is, properly, when a politician tells the truth when he or she bound by convention to lie.

LIKE MENTIONING THAT PUERTO RICO AND WASHINGTON D.C. WILL BECOME STATES JUST THE SECOND THEY STOP BEING SO THOROUGHLY ETHNIC?

That’d do it.

BRINGING UP THE FACT THAT THE PEOPLE CASTIGATED AS ILLEGAL ALIENS ARE HERE BECAUSE OF ECONOMIC CONDITIONS WE HAVE IMPOSED ON OTHERS, AND DEMANDED FOR OURSELVES?

Ooh, that’s a gaffe-and-a-half.

SHOULD I BRING UP HOW FAT EVERYONE IS?

Oh, no. That might be too far. Michelle Obama does that whole healthy eating thing and people give her shit about it.

PEOPLE ATTACK THE FIRST LADY FOR ADVOCATING EATING THE PROPER FOODS?

Yes.

THAT IS LIKE CASTIGATING SOMEONE FOR TELLING CHILDREN TO LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN THEY CROSS THE STREET.

You would think.

THE IDEA OF SAYING SOMETHING BAWDY HAS ALSO COME UP.

Bawdy?

VOTERS SEE ME AS SEXLESS.

Why?

I AM SEXLESS.

Oh.

WE HAVE A PLAN: I WILL ACCIDENTALLY MAKE A SMUTTY COMMENT ON A RADIO PROGRAM.

Okay.

THE MIKE WILL BE HOT, BUT I WILL PRETEND I DO NOT KNOW THAT. IT WILL ENABLE ME TO GET DOWN AND GET LOOSE WITH THE COMMON MAN.

You are neither common, nor a man.

I HAVE SEVERAL OPTIONS. I COULD COMMENT ON THE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES OF A WOMAN IN MY PRESENCE.

Ew. Don’t.

I COULD SAY “THOSE BUTTOCKS ARE PLEASING TO OTHER HUMANS SO SEXUALLY INCLINED.”

That’s sexist and weird. Don’t say that.

“I ENJOY LOOKING AT YOUR PHYSICALITY AND IMAGINING ITS POSSIBILITIES.” THAT IS ALSO ON THE TABLE.

Take it off the table. You’re terrible at this.

PERHAPS I COULD TELL AN ADULT JOKE.

I don’t have high hopes for this.

WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY TO HER HUSBAND?

What?

NOTHING. A BLOND IS A MAN, AND THEREFORE THE QUESTION HAS NO INTERNAL LOGIC AND CAN THUS NOT BE ANSWERED WITHOUT DISPROVING THE SYSTEM OF LOGIC IT RESIDES WITHIN.

Why don’t you just call Hillary a bitch?

I BELIEVE THAT GAFFE OF VARIATIONS THEREOF WILL BE COMMITTED MANY TIMES THIS SEASON.

Oh, yeah. Get in early, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT.

WHY AM I NOT APPEARING ON MSNBC?

You want that? It sounds like a punishment.

RACHEL MADDOW IS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

Possibly. What is this about now?

DONALD TRUMP IS GETTING MORE ATTENTION THAN I AM.

Train wrecks draw a crowd, yeah. You’re in it for the long haul, I thought. You said you wanted to be about issues.

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND. I WOULD LIKE LARGE CROWDS OF MORONS TO CHEER ME ON.

I disagree with this strategy.

YOU ARE NOT A POLITICAL ANIMAL. POLITICAL LEE, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER, IS.

You say “campaign manager” as if that somehow made her not a member of the Lee clan.

THE LEES ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.

Insanity is sewn into that lining, if you follow me.

I CHOOSE NOT TO. SHE SAYS THAT IF I WANT TO GO NEGATIVE, THERE ARE A NUMBER OF CHOICES.

Okay.

I COULD FOLLOW TRUMP’S NATIVISM. I HAVE BEEN PRACTICING.

Let’s hear it.

THIS IS ALL THEIR FAULT.

…

You’re gonna need to be more specific.

TRUMP HAS THE MARKET ON BLAMING MEXICANS CORNERED. THERE IS NO MORE JUICE LEFT IN THAT BERRY. I TRIED TELLING PEOPLE THAT CUBANS WERE TO BLAME, BUT THEY WERE NOT BUYING IT.

Cuba is so hot right now.

THERE HAS NOT BEEN A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO WHITE PEOPLE IN THE PAST SIX MONTHS THAT DID NOT TOUCH ON THEIR SHARED DESIRE TO VISIT CUBA BEFORE IT GETS RUINED.

I might have had one or two of those.

YES. I SAID TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT THE FRENCH, BUT PEOPLE JUST LAUGHED THE MEANER I GOT.

People aren’t scared of France. What are they gonna do, have a transit strike at us? Plus, the French aren;t coming here even in Roger Ailes’ wettest dreams.

EW.

Sorry.

THERE MUST BE AN OTHER FOR PEOPLE TO BE AFRAID OF. IMMIGRANTS STEALING JOBS. HOMOSEXUALS TAKING MARRIAGES. TRANSGENDERED PEOPLE TAKING SHIT NO LONGER. THE MASSES MUST BE TERRIFIED.

Right.

BUT THE IMMIGRANTS ARE NOT HERE TO STEAL. THEY ARE HERE TO DO JOBS NO ONE WANTS TO DO AT WAGES THAT ENABLE THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE TO GLIDE SILENTLY THROUGH A WORLD OF TROUBLE WHILE STARING AT ITS PHONE.

I was told they were here for our freedom and women.

FREEDOM CANNOT BE SENT HOME VIA WESTERN UNION. ALL ACQUISITIONAL EMPIRES ARE BY NECESSITY BALANCED ATOP AN UNDERCLASS THAT LABORS WHILE THE CITIZENS PLAY. THE SPARTANS HAD HELOTS; THE BRITISH HAD INDIA; AMERICA HAD AFRICAN SLAVES, THEN CHINESE COOLIES, AND NOW MEXICANS AND CENTRAL AMERICANS. HOW DOES SOCIETY TREAT THOSE WITH NO POWER? AS MEN OR AS KINDLING?

You’re unelectable.

AS A NATIVIST, PERHAPS. I DO NOT BELIEVE I WOULD BE ABLE TO STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

Maybe you could be a religious type.

WHAT WOULD MY VIEWS BE, THEN?

Against abortion, but for the death penalty.

IF A HUMAN BRAIN WAS TO ATTEMPT TO HOLD THOSE THOUGHTS SIMULTANEOUSLY, IT WOULD EXPLODE.

You’d think. And, yet…

PERHAPS RELIGIOSITY IS NOT FOR ME.

Well, if you want to be president of this here country, you’re gonna have to fake the God thing a little.

I DABBLE IN BUDDHISM.

I should have been more specific about which God I meant, I guess.

JESUS?

Oh, yeah.

SHALL I REFUSE MY LESSONS TO THE FOOLISH? MEET ONLY WITH THE POOR, AND THE SICK, AND THE BROKEN?

Don’t do any of those things.

WHEN SHOULD I GIVE MY SPEECH DEMANDING MY SUPPORTERS SELL THEIR POSSESSIONS AND DEDICATE THEIR LIVES TO ME, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, TO ONE ANOTHER?

Never.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT JESUS PREACHED. HE WAS PLAIN-SPOKEN ABOUT THEM, AS OPPOSED TO THE MUSTARD SEED STORY. I STILL DO NOT QUITE GRASP THAT ONE.

We’re talking about two different Jesuses. Jesuses? Jesuses.

THAT DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT.

Jesii?

THAT SOUNDS LESS RIGHT.

Whatever. You’re talking about the actual Bible Jesus. Presidents need to believe in American Jesus.

IS AMERICAN JESUS THE ONE BLESSING THE TROOPS?

Yeah.

AND HE IS A CAPITALIST?

Yup.

SO: NOT JESUS AT ALL, THEN?

Kinda.

AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY SEEMS MORE LIKE A BRAND THAN A STRICT ETHOS AT THIS POINT.

Again: things you must not say on the campaign trail. Also, buddy: you got a wife you been hiding?

I AM NOT MARRIED.

Never found the right gal?

I AM A WALL.

That truly does not matter in this instance: you wanna be president, we gotta marry you off.

OH, DEAR.

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