12-Step Drop

The Alcoholics Anonymous book has stats most authors only dream of: more than 30 million copies sold. Translated into 67 languages. In 2012, the Library of Congress ranked it No. 10 in its top 25 “Books That Shaped America.”

But when it was published in 1939, its primary writer, William “Bill W.” Wilson, received neither payment (save writing costs) nor credit. The official author is still listed as “Anonymous.”

Now the original manuscript — lost for decades and containing handwritten notes by Wilson and his friends — has been sold at auction for $2.4 million to billionaire Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay, who attended his first AA meeting 25 years ago, the Associated Press reported.

Mr. Irsay?

…

Mr Irsay?

“HOSS!”

Jesus.

“An’ quit it with that ‘Mr. Irsay’ shit. My dick is named Mr. Irsay. You call me Jimbo.”

You bought the original Big Book, Jimbo?

“Shit, yeah. Gonna put it next ta my Jerry Garcia guitars. Let ’em fight it out.”

You’re a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous?

“Love them 12 steps, Hoss. That’s ’bout as far away from a drink as I wanna be: 12 steps.”

I see what you did there.

“You can’t go raisin’ the amount o’ hell I do without spendin’ some time in church basements huggin’ up on bikers and whatnot. There some sad-ass stories in them rooms, Hoss. I look at some o’ those folks an’ think ‘Why didn’t your daddy leave you a football team?’ I mean, that one fact has solved so damn many o’ my problems.”

And caused them.

“Shit, no. Woulda been a fuck-up if I was poor, too. But it woulda been a lot harder. From what I c’n tell from all the cocktail waitresses I bang, bein’ poor sucks.”

It does.

“I feel for you, Hoss.”

Can I have some money?

“Do you have anythin’ collectible?”

No.

“Big ol’ bag o’ vicodin?”

Also no.

“Well, we answered that question, didn’t we?”

Sure. You’re going to put the manuscript on display for part of the year?

“Yup. Durin’ my benders. Can’t have that sucker in th’ house when I’m gettin’ my nose open. I’d feel it starin’ at me. Judgin’ me. Can’t have it.”

So when the book’s on display, you’re drunk?

“Uh-huh. It’s like the flag flyin’ over th’ Queen o’ England’s house, ‘cept in reverse.”

Makes sense. How you think the Colts are gonna do this year?

“I think we gonna rally together after Andrew Luck dies on the field and finish up 6-10.”

You’re honestly trying to kill him, aren’t you?

“Yup.”

Why?

“It’s funny.”

You’re the perfect argument for the Estate Tax.

“I know, right? But there ain’t one, so fuck you. You want a toot?”

Sure.

“That’s my Hoss!”