Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Take a guy.
Put him on a stage in front of ten, twenty, fifty thousand people. Have them cheer and clap and stare and take pictures. Reward the guy, through applause and approbation and adoration and appreciation and aspiration, for doing the thing he’s good at.
Let him hear it, folks.
After all that, he’s still just a guy.
I’m going to let you two try one more time to tell the nice people about the headphones. You need to give your opinion in a straightforward and understandable way, discuss the pros and cons of the item, and end with a recommendation on whether folks should buy it.
If they’re going to buy it, they should do it from this link.
Please don’t do that.
Don’t stifle capitalism, pinko.
I hate you, too. Just do this like normal humans.
Fine.
Sure. Tell us about the headphones.
They’re Sony headphones and they’re nifty.
What are the specs?
Do you not read this site? I just told everyone the specs.
Did you? I like to save your posts for the next day and read them in a big bunch.
…
You post a lot.
I can’t work like this. I’m going to my imaginary trailer.
CLOMP
CLOMP
CLOMP
TRAILERDOORSLAM!
…
A professional shows up prepared, Gordon.
I tried. There’s like a dozen posts a day, every day.
It’s called being prolific.
It’s called being graphomaniacal and lonely.
Six of one.
You going to get him?
Ugh.
CLOMP
CLOMP
CLOMP
TRAILERDOORKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK
I’m not coming out. How dare he not read my precious words? So precious.
Yes, you’re Stravinsky.
Stravinsky? Stravinsky was a composer.
He wrote music.
But you wouldn’t call him a “writer,” you would call him a “composer.”
The notes need to be written down. He thought them up and put them on paper: that’s writing.
Composing.
Writing.
Composing!
Writing!
Duck season!
Rabbit sea–
…
I’m not playing this game with you.
You almost did.
Do you want to participate in the FAQ?
They sound really good, but my left ear hurts a little. The cord is curly like Brian May’s guitar lead, and I like that. There is also a pouch.
…
Then I guess we’re done.
Yup.
Hey! Am I still getting paid?
You were never getting paid.
Aw.
In the spirit of my recent diatribes about cassettes and their various players, and in honor of my brand-new Sony MDR-7506‘s, I was going to do a similar post about the history of headphones; I got maybe halfway through Googling it when I stopped caring and decided I couldn’t inflict that on you. There are certainly some who care an inordinate deal about headphones, but I have not even a surface curiosity. There’s the ones you put in your ear, and the big ones that sound good, and the shitty little ones you get on the plane.
But: someone mentioned that they were in the market for a new pair of headphones, so in the spirit of public interest, I will present my initial thoughts in the semi-popular FAQ format.
Am I back in the band?
No. This is a guest spot.
Aw.
Get on with it.
You suck. Fine: How is the Sony MDR-7506?
“Are.” How are the–
Please don’t correct my grammar. I was referring to the pair of headphones.
Not with that wording you weren’t, mister.
It is one object.
You have a pair of ears.
Is.
Are.
Is!
Are!
Duck season!
Rabbit season!
CHRIST ON THE HIGHWAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO FUCKWITS?
He started it.
I probably did, yeah.
Just try to help people.
I was trying.
Cuz you’re a try-hard.
…
What features does the Sony–
“DO!” FUCKING “DO!”
FUCK YOU, IT’S “DOES!”
We’re done.
But–
No.
Can I–
Shut the fuck up. You’ve failed. This is a failure. Add it to the list.
Hey, Garcia. Whatcha thinking about?
“Absolutely nothing.”
That’s the best.
“Yeah.”
MODEL Sony MDR-7506.
SUPERMODEL Claudia Schiffer-7506.
HEADPHONE TYPE Dynamic, closed.
MAGNET TYPE Neodymium.
PLUG TYPE Redhead with a fat ass, same type as everybody else, am I right?
DRIVER SIZE 40.0 mm.
ADAM DRIVER SIZE 6’2″? 6’3″? He’s tall.
FREQUENCY RESPONSE 10-20 Khz.
INFREQUENCY RESPONSE I’ll get to it, man.
POWER HANDLING 1,000 mW.
POWER STEERING Standard.
POWER BOTTOM Available as an option.
IMPEDANCE 63 Ohms.
IMPUDENCE Getting on my last tit, Jenkins.
CORD LENGTH 9.8′.
CHORD LENGTH Depends on the song, really.
CORD GIRTH Meaty?
CORD DEPTH Not a thing.
WEIGHT 8.1 oz.
PRICE You worry about your wallet, and I’ll worry about mine, okay?
Postman came. Ahhhh, yeah.
Excuse me.
Jelly?
Jam it up your ass. You did not get those.
Yes. These headphones combine all of my loves: bass at the exclusion of the other registers, overpaying for things, status games. Plus, they’re Bluetooth so they’ll work almost most of the time, and when they don’t work there’s nothing you can do about it.
You’re a UFC fan?
The best. Actual violence with lifelong consequences is so much more entertaining than stylized, choreographed violence. And the fanbase is great.
Please stop this.
Nothing to stop. These headphones represent who I am. This is what I want the world to know about me. With these, I shall signal. Maybe I’ll go to the mall and wear ’em.
Ew.
Listen to the new Pusha T.
What?
Jay-Z’s got a verse. You think Pusha T’s Becky with the good hair?
I have no idea what’s going on.
Go over my boy’s house, watch Ewen MacGregor fight Floyd Merriweather.
Nope.
Build the wall! Build the wall!
Goddammit.
MAGA, bro.
…
Are you done?
Sure.
Your headphones came?
Yes.
Are you happy?
Yes.
Can we leave it at that?
Yes.
Are you lying?
Yes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocS2GFICJoY
Weird how you never see Shock G and Humpty Hump in the same room.
Got a half-hour today? Spend it with a Hungarian lunatic, a thousand-pound bomb, and a casino. Read this article, and if you’ve got the cash, option the story for me to write the feature script for. (We could get Amir Bar-Lev to produce.)
Later christened “the stagefright show,” the evening saw Phil hide from the audience for most of the first set; he played the second from his hotel room under the covers. By the next day, everything was back to normal, and no one spoke of it ever again.
Also: Heineken.
Also also:
“Hey, Precarious: which way should these amps be facing?”
“All the ways.”
“Gotcha.”
Come swimming.
Fuck you, Bear. Get away from me.
We’ll swim forever.
Go away!
We’ll sink to the bottom and float to the top.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
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