Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Month: October 2016 (Page 14 of 25)

The Final Word On Bob Dylan

October 15, 2016 / / 11 Comments

It’s astounding to me that we’re on this for a second day when the republic is collapsing around us, live on Twitter, but we still don’t know whether or not Bob Dylan deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature. I will answer this with finality here, and then we will move on to our bright new futures under Allfather Trump: yes, no, it depends, and (this last one is the important one) who gives eight shits?

Yes, Bob Dylan deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature because Bob Dylan deserves. I’m aware that deserve is a transitive verb that requires an object, but I stand by my statement: Bob Dylan deserves. A Nobel, a Grammy, a swift kick in the ass, the Stanley Cup: Bob Dylan deserves all of these things. “What about an Olympic medal?” you might say, and I would tell you to shut the fuck up and listen to Blood on the Tracks again. Bob Dylan deserves.

No, Bob Dylan does not deserve the Nobel Prize for Literature because he doesn’t produce literature. Literature is books, or at least book-shaped objects. Poetry gets in there, and so do short stories, but the connecting thread is that it’s written down; furthermore, that the intended medium was the written word. Dylan’s lyrics have been published (and re-published and re-published), and of course they originated as words on a page, but their intended medium was an oral one.

It depends: this argument comes down to definitions, and may be seen as picayune, but it also may be a fatal one: words should mean things, especially to people giving out writing awards. Literature means the written word, delivered typographically. Are Martin Luther King’s speeches eligible for the Nobel in Literature? How about George Carlin’s stand-up routines? Bob Dylan’s lyrics (and he is being given the Prize for his lyrics, not his novels, which border on readable) were meant to be listened to, and not read. If you think literature means whatever the hell you want it to mean, then he deserves it; if you don’t, then he doesn’t.

And finally: who gives eight shits? If an organization wants to give Bob something, then I’m fine with it. The Hyde Amendment ended  taxpayer support of the Nobel Prize, so I have no skin in the game. Been fun watching all the serious authors fuss, though: they all worked so hard on the perfectly vicious tweet. Maybe one day there will be a Nobel Prize for Twitter, and one of those serious authors will win that.

A Terrible Poem About A Terrible Idea

October 15, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I heard they’re bringing knives and guns,
So we should bring much larger ones,
We’ll have more ammo, round for round,
And by dawn claim the higher ground.

We’ll keep the bad guy in our sights,
Our weapons will defend our rights.
They’ll bring a squad, us a battalion:
We’re an Armada; they’re a galleon.

Oh, I don’t see why we should wait:
They’re full of fear and full of hate.
“We’ll cause a problem” they have said;
I vote we snatch them from their bed.

They aren’t the types we need no more,
And they think thoughts that we deplore;
It surely must be self-defense
To round up fans of Trump and Pence.

The Godfather And The Punk

October 15, 2016 / / 3 Comments

jerry-coppla

“Did they give you a Nobel, Francis?”

“No, Jerry, they didn’t; that’s an enormous oversight on the part of the Swedes, who have always been furiously anti-Italian. They think they own the Alps. Not true: Italian mountains. But, yes, I do deserve a Nobel, or perhaps many. Several categories would be acceptable.”

“You’re a confident man.”

“Not confident, no: just no false humility. I am the greatest American film director in the world.”

…

“What, man?”

“You got any more coke?”

“Always.”

A Terrible Poem About A Beast

October 15, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I saw a beast with seven heads,
And fourteen pillows for his beds.
One head was slothful, one loved wealth;
You can guess the rest yourself.

His hat rack was a mile high,
Dessert: a bakery full of pie.
Tons of socks for all his feet,
A church pew was his only seat.

And when one head made up its mind,
The others never fell in line.
An argued life that never ceased.
Now aren’t you glad you’re not a beast?

A Ranking Of Percussion Instruments By Their Utility As Improvised Weapons In A Kung Fu Fight (Or Karate)

October 15, 2016 / / 4 Comments
  1. Clash cymbals Specifically clash cymbals, also called concert cymbals, and here’s why: the straps. Regular cymbals get affixed to stands with a nut and bolt, so there’s just a little hole in the middle; no handhold. Clash cymbals are the ones marching bands use, one big cymbal in each hand, and they have straps so they don’t go flying off. There are so many possibilities for violence with a clash cymbal: winging it at someone like Captain America’s shield, slicing faces up, hitting them against each other with your enemy’s head in the middle like in the cartoons, the list goes on. Perfect weapon.
  2. Daxophone Yeah, I didn’t know what it was, either, but look at the thing: daxophone That’s what a Klingon moil uses to circumcise babies. Wikipedia says it’s an instrument, though, so I’m counting it.
  3. Drumstick The humble drumstick, bought by the dozen and just as quickly discarded, is a surprisingly effective and multifaceted melee weapon: you can keep an attacker at greater-than-arm’s-length, you can poke an eye out, you can stick it right up a butt. Plus, there are those leverage-holds that cops use their batons to do, and you can harness the deadly power of splinters. Solid weapon.
  4. Tambourine Upside: those little cymbals are sharp as fuck. Downside: they would hear you coming.
  5. Conga, Djembe, etc. Getting dicey by now: a conga or its equivalent–a big empty cylindrical piece of wood with the skin of an animal covering one of the holes–has some heft to it; you could use it as a bludgeon, I suppose, but you might as well pick up the drum stool. Also, there’s nowhere to grasp it properly so you can swing it around. Only in emergencies.
  6. Xylophone, marimba, vibraphone, etc. I suppose you could push one of these desk-size instruments towards your opponent and pin him against a wall or something. Might as well go get your car and run over him.
  7. Doug E. Fresh, the Human Beat-Box Please do not use Doug E-Fresh, the Human Beat-Box, as an improvised weapon in a kung fu fight (or karate).
  8. Triangle Virtually useless as a weapon. Perhaps you could hold it by a side, and then you’d be punching people with a 60-degree angle, but it’s inadvisable. If you winged it real hard at someone’s head, it would hurt; you could maybe break a nose or knock out a tooth.
  9. Whistle Completely useless as a weapon. Too light to throw, too small to hit someone with, no sharp edges. If you tried to grasp it in your fist to hit someone, with the mouthpiece sticking out between your fingers like you would a key, then you’d certainly fuck your hand up more than your intended victim’s face. Bad weapon.

Campus Rumpus

October 15, 2016 / / 3 Comments

bobby-jerry-parish-drumz-campus-stadium

Parish had been a drummer for the Grateful Dead for five minutes when he threw a tantrum, punched the rest of the band, and flew home.

OR

“It feels nice on your back, Jer.”

“Don’t rub my back, Weir.”

…

“Your front?”

“Parish! Oh, you’re right there.”

OR

Either Mrs. Donna Jean is shaking her maracas, or Phil has the daintiest hands I’ve seen on a man since politics politics politics.

OR

In a karate fight with improvised weapons that took place in a drum store, cabasa vs. maracasa is an even match up: cabasa is good for a hammer-type blow, while you can wield the maracas like sai. Obviously, a guiro is of no use whatsoever in karate fighting. Optimally, you would stand at a distance and frisbee ride cymbals at your opponent’s neck as hard as you could.

OR

This shot’s from 6/4/78 at the University of California at Santa Barbara. (Go Banana Slugs!)

Викиликс

October 14, 2016 / / 1 Comment

Just going to pass this along. Here’s the tweet that Wikileaks posted:

screen-shot-2016-10-14-at-10-40-34-pm

Disinformation? Sabotage? My God, Enthusiasts, this goes all the way to the top.

Here’s the whole e-mail:

dnc-trump-letter

I’m sure it’s an honest misreading.

Julian Assange, who is Wikileaks, is an Australian national hiding in the Bolivian Ecuadorian embassy in the United Kingdom who is owned by Russia. Remember “outside agitators?” Whenever the cops beat the shit out of a crowd in the old days, they would use that phrase: it had been started by outside agitators. These are actual outside agitators.

I advocate holding Bolivia Ecuador responsible. We should find out what the capital of Bolivia Ecuador is and bomb it immediately.

Conspirators Against Donald Trump

October 14, 2016 / / 0 Comments
  • The media, which is unfair
  • The carnival, which is also unfair, but in a different way.
  • NBC, CBS, and ABC.
  • The cable news networks.
  • The Washington Post and the New York Times.
  • All the other newspapers.
  • The cyber.
  • Radio talk show hosts.
  • Let’s just say that every possible medium of technology is conspiring against Donald Trump.
  • The Democratic party.
  • The Republican party.
  • The Clinton campaign.
  • His own campaign.
  • Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim.
  • Canadian billionaire Gordon Fatass.
  • China.
  • ISIS, which Hillary founded.
  • The company that makes Swiffers.
  • The polls.
  • The Poles.
  • Women who are horrible and unattractive.
  • Men who are disloyal and weak.
  • Illuminati.
  • Philluminati. (You’ll all remember the Philluminati, Phil’s secret organization that runs the world.)
  • Billuminati. (You’ll also remember the Billuminati, the group Billy started to annoy Phil.)
  • Chronoburglars stealing time whenever we blink.
  • Globalists.
  • International bankers.
  • The New York elite, led by Michael Bloomberg.
  • Shadowy financiers whose allegiance lies only with their tribe.
  • Hollywood producers.
  • Diamond merchants.
  • Zionists.
  • Listen, do I have to come right out and say it?
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