Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Month: September 2017 (Page 8 of 10)

The Cold War In Little Aleppo

“Stalin used to make Khrushchev dance.

“That Russian dance.  Got your arms folded in front of you. Squat down and kick out your legs. Called the Hopak, and here’s the funny thing, cats and kittens: it ain’t Russian at all. Ukrainian. Russkies stole it like they stole the rest of Eastern Europe.

“HOO-pa

“HOO-pa.

“You know the dance your pal Frankie Nickels is talking about. Looks real good in polished boots. Maybe a red tunic and a hat. Get down low as you can go and kick kick kick and jump up high as you can and back down and kick kick kick. Makes my knees hurt just thinking ’bout it, but Russians are known for their suffering, ha ha ha.

“Khrushchev was a little fat man and Stalin used to laugh and laugh when he danced. Stalin liked his vodka and used to get drunk and make all his apparatchiks stay up all night with him laughing at his jokes.

“Idi Amin.

“Mao.

“Stalin.

“Elvis.

“Dictators always like staying up all night scaring people.

“Not that our pal Nikita was a good guy. No! No, cats and kittens, we are not dealing with a babe in the woods here. An innocent. A naïf. Nikita Khrushchev had professors killed, and kulaks, too. Those were the wealthy peasants. Russians called ’em kulaks. I guess they’d be burghers in Germany, or clarks in England, or shopkeepers here in the good old Yoo Ess of Ay. Not the salt of the earth, but the folks who sold the salt of the earth their trousers. Slightly-upper-middle class. He had thousands of ’em executed. Tens of thousands.

“Wonder if he signed every kill order? Maybe he had his secretary do it for him. Paperwork’s important in an execution. That’s what makes it legal, the paperwork. Otherwise, it’s just murder, but if you got the right paperwork then it’s okay.

“Called the Great Purge. The Moscow Trials. You should look it up. History’s so interesting to them that ain’t living it. Gotta get a little distance on history, right? Otherwise it’s current events and ain’t no fun at all.

“In general, one does not want to be present for history.

“But we’re past history, ain’t we? We’re post-modern, or so the swells tell us. Verging on post-scarcity. Caught between the factories and the future, that’s us. Ain’t it fun?

“Anyway, Communism’s easy. Collectivize the farms, nationalize the industries, weaponize the newspapers. Easy-peasy. ‘Cept for the people. People are always getting in the way of Communism.

“People are the problem, cats and kittens. Twas always thus.

“But Stalin had a saying. No person, no problem.

“He liked Westerns. Did you know that? Joseph Stalin–Uncle damn Joe–that man liked Western movies. He had his spies steal ’em out of movie theaters on Long Island and Delaware and Mexico City. Saloons and injuns and horses and whatnot. Westerns. Roy Rogers. Gene Autry. Tom Mix. Dinner started at around one in the morning, and then the projectionist would reel up one of them stolen flicks about stolen land.

“And Stalin?

“Aw, man, he was in his glory. Loved those cowboys, Stalin did. He’d get excited by the doings and happenings, and he’d be blind off his vodka, and he’d order Khrushchev to do the Hopak. And our pal Nikita knew that not doing the dance would be a problem.

“No person, no problem.

“So Khrushchev would dance and Stalin would laugh.

“So anyway, it’s 1959. Stalin’s dead. Khrushchev’s in charge of the Soviet Union, we like Ike, everyone’s got nukes pointed at each other, and Elvis is in the Army. Eisenhower can’t figure the little sucker out, right? What does he want? The State Department’s full of Kremlinologists, but none of the pointy-headed  mopes can give him an answer.

“So Ike sends Nixon.

“Called the Kitchen Debate. Now why are these two movers and shakers hanging out in a kitchen? Well, cuz there was an exhibition type of deal going on in Moscow. Like the World’s Fair, but with an edge to it, ha ha ha. We built a whole house over there. Buy it right now for fourteen grand. Housing for Joe Sixpack and his wife, Lucy.

“But the important stuff happened behind closed doors. Khrushchev had a dacha by the Black Sea. This is story about the Russians, cats and kittens. There’s always a dacha by the Black Sea.

“And while they were chatting, Nixon invites our pal Nikita to tour America.

“And wouldn’t you know it, the little pig-farmer with the nukes says yes.

“Flies over here on a Tupolev-114. Biggest plane the Soviets got. Doesn’t need to stop to refuel between Moscow and D.C. Khrushchev brought his family. Wife, son. Bunch of fancypants Party members, too. Guy named Andrei Gromyko. Now get this: the engineers found cracks in the Tupolev’s engines. Little bitty ones, but still. Khrushchev didn’t care. Needed his big plane.

“Ike and Mamie go to Andrews to meet him. All the networks cover it live.

“This is after Sputnik. You wanna go to sleep under the light of a Communist moon? Me, neither, ha ha ha. And Luna II, too. You don’t remember Luna II. Russkies slammed an 800-pound metal basketball into the moon in September of ’59. Soviets beat us to the moon, cats and kittens, for a certain definition of ‘beat.’ And, oh man, were they testing their nukes.

“Things was tense, is what I’m saying.

“And here he comes down the stairs. This round little man. Gap-toothed with a hat nine sizes too big. Got his medals on his light-grey suit.

“He’s smiling. He’s waving. Couldn’t be happier.

“Then he gives Ike a model of the Luna II just to mess with him.

“And off he goes, man. Into America. Ten days. Ten days! Making his own schedule and seeing his own sights and riding the rails like a hobo drinking vodka ‘stead of whiskey. Now, our muckety-mucks ain’t gonna let him just flitter about without an escort, so Ike sends Henry Cabot Lodge to babysit our guest.

“Can you imagine such a thing? Henry motherloving Cabot Lodge and Nikita Khrushchev gallivanting around America getting into adventures and solving mysteries together? Surprised we haven’t seen a movie ’bout it yet. Our pal Nikita’s got three years of school under his belt, maybe. He was a metalworker. Farmed sometimes. Henry went to Harvard. Was in the same final club as T.S. Eliot. Now he’s our man at the UN.

“The scorpion and the WASP, ha ha ha.

“First stop: New York. How you gonna keep ’em on the collective once they seen the city? Khrushchev gives some speeches, meets some people, waves his big hat around.

“Guess where he stays?

“C’mon, guess.

“You’re right, you know it, of course you are! The Supreme-est Soviet, Captain Commie, that menshevik of the people…he laid his head down at the Waldorf-Astoria. Contemporary reports all note that the Chairman was enthusiastic in his love for room service. Capitalism will kill you with kindness, cats and kittens! System’s got a ton of faults, but room service ain’t one of ’em!

“Reporter asks Khrushchev about New York City. He says, ‘You’ve seen one skyscraper, you’ve seen ’em all.’ He said it in Russian, but you get the idea.

“So he gets back on his big, broken plane and does what so many before him have: Khrushchev heads west. Los Angeles, to be specific.

“Swimming pools.

“Limousines.”

“And Frank Sinatra and Marilyn Monroe. Liz Taylor, too. They had a lunch for him. All the Hollywood swells. Ginger Rogers and Gary Cooper and Jack Benny and Debbie Reynolds. Bob Hope, man! Bob ‘Proxy War’ Hope coming at ya live and in color. Dean Martin, cats and kittens. Dean Martin and Nikita Khrushchev sitting in a sound studio on Pico Boulevard eating squab.

“Don’t ask me, man. I’m a chicken girl, myself. Rich folks eat squab, I guess. Fancy birds for fancy people, ha ha ha.

“But now Khrushchev gets some bad news during lunch. Turns out he can’t go to Disneyland. I swear, I swear! Khrushchev wanted to go to Disneyland. To buy a hat with ears, I guess. Ride the Matterhorn, maybe. And, hey: who can blame him? Whole point of Disneyland is that people wanna go there. Can’t fault a man for his humanity, I figure.

“So he starts yelling about it. President of 20th Century Fox gave his little speech about the greatness of America, and then that little pig-farmer with the nukes gets up and starts screaming his head off about not being allowed to go to Disneyland.

“It put Dean Martin off his squab, I tell you.

“Then the mayor got up. Guy named Norris Paulson. Hell of a name, huh? Mayor lets our pal Nikita have it. ‘You’ll bury us? Sucker, we’ll bury you!’ That kinda thing. Not the best way to treat a guest. It’s bad, man! Khrushchev’s pissed! Henry Cabot Lodge has to sit him down and explain to him that mayors don’t do what the President tells ’em. Gotta explain the concept of ‘freelancing’ to the Supreme Soviet. Harvard didn’t prepare him for that!

“Luckily, room service is available to soothe the savage beast.

“And that’s his act, man. All around this big ol’ nation of ours. He smiles and he waves, and then he starts yelling.

“Visits IBM up in Silicon Valley before it was called that. Smiles, waves; yells.

“Supermarket. Smiles, waves; yells.

“Goes to Iowa.

“Swear to God! Iowa! Just like he was running for president! Knew a guy there. Corn farmer that sold the Soviet Union seeds. Now, cats and kittens, you know that Frankie Nickels would not lie to you and so you must believe me when I tell you that his friend’s name was Roswell Garst and he lived in Coon Rapids.

“Not a word a lie, not one word.

“And, see, here’s the thing: the folks flocked out. Iowans. Salt of the earth and those who sold trousers to them. Solid citizens and their wives, Republicans most. John Birchers, some of ’em. They all come out and trampled Roswell Garst’s corn to see this man who kept threatening to sling nuclear weapons at ’em. Wasn’t for this jug-eared sonofagun, the kiddies wouldn’t have to neither duck nor cover. Said he’d bury us, and here’s America gathering in a field to get a glimpse.

“Looky-loos, the lot of us. Can’t fault people for their humanity, I guess.

“Anyway, that was the high point. Khrushchev was more interested in farms than in Hollywood or New York. He and Ike hung out at Camp David for a bit. Planned a big summit in Paris in the spring. You ever been to Paris in the spring? Knock your socks off, cats and kittens.

“But then a missile knocked a guy named Francis Gary Powers’ socks off and that was it for Paris.

“Next time our pal Nikita came to America, State Department confined him to Manhattan. No more waving and smiling. No more Iowa. No more Frank Sinatra and Marilyn Monroe. No more hot dogs.

“The kind of treatment make a man pound on a table with his shoe.

“Cold War got colder after that, cats and kittens, or hotter. Whichever is worse. You wanna keep me on an island, Khrushchev said, then I’ll continue the theme. Cuba became involved. Things was tense, is what I’m saying.

“But for a second, just for a little bit, it looked like maybe we could work it out.

“Hot dog diplomacy, right?

“But here’s what Frankie Nickels didn’t tell you. Here’s what she left out of the story. That last night at Camp David? Well, our pal Nikita and his crew got all schnockered on vodka in one of those rustic-style cabins they got out there. And, see, Ike had asked if they wanted any movies to watch. Khrushchev asks for a Western. Ike gives him Shane.

“So the Russians got Shane playing and they’re deep into their cups by now. Middle of the night in the middle of the Maryland woods. Cowboy movie’s on the screen.

“And Khrushchev says, ‘Hey, Gromyko.’

“That’s Andrei Gromyko. Minister of Foreign Affairs. Valued advisor. Smart guy.

“Khrushchev says, ‘Hey, Gromyko. Do the Hopak.’

“You think the room got quiet for a second? I bet it did. Maybe you could hear the little kid. Come back, Shane! Ha ha ha

“And Gromyko did the Hopak and Khrushchev laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

“There’s a point to that story, but it’s up to you to figure it out, cats and kittens.

“You’re listening to the Frankie Nickels show on KHAY–hey!–and how ’bout something from ’59? Little something from MacHeath and all his teeth. Could be our pal’s done something rash. Might have to duck and cover.

“Never do know in America.”

Having Fun With Mickey And Bobby Backstage

What are you guys laughing about?

“Bliss.”

“Drums.”

Sure.

OR

You know that TotD does not look kindly upon gatekeeping, but if you didn’t recognize Mickey’s jacket, then you’re not a Deadhead.

OR

Shortly after this picture was taken, a Jewish chick and a black dude set all the film on fire, killing a bunch of Nazis and ending World War II early.

Irma God

“Oh, hi there!”

Ah, fuck.

“Language, young man. My gosh, look at you! Such a skinny minny. Let me fix you something.”

That’s okay.

“It’s no bother. How’s your brother? His leg work yet?”

Irma, please stop acting like a Midwestern mom.

“They named me Irma, I’m gonna act like an Irma. You want Jello?”

What color?

“Red.”

Okay, fine.

“Cool beans. We’re gonna have so much fun on my little visit.”

You don’t have to come.

“Oh, I want to. Can’t wait. Been on the Facebook all week about the trip. I think I might do a little redecorating while I’m there.”

Isn’t there anywhere else you’d rather go?

“Than Florida? Where could be better? That’s America’s Vacationland!”

Dammit. Well, if you must come to this swampdick of a state, could you visit Disney? Or the Keys? Anything 200 miles to the left or right of me, please?

“Oh, nooo. There’s only one thing in Florida I want to see.”

Don’t say–

“Mar-A-Lago, the Winter White House.”

–Mar-A…fuck.

“Is that close to you?”

Nah. Not that close. There’s almost two whole towns in between me and it.

“Oh, that’s super! I could stop by.”

Call first.

“You’ll hear me coming.”

Yup.

“You have a good day now!”

Yup.

Persiflage In Camouflage

“Hello?”

Who’s talking?

“Are you doing one of your little routines?”

All I see are two chairs. Listen, chairs: I already talk to a stool, and that’s kind of enough.

“You doing the camouflage bit?”

I am, yeah.

“Delightful. So. Hear you’re gonna die.”

Probably.

“Irma’s blowing pretty hard.”

And not even cupping my balls.

“Rude.”

I think so.

“I’m gonna miss you.”

I’m gonna miss you a lot, John. I know we’ve had our differences–

“You blew up my house and let Trump freejack my body.”

–but I feel that we’ve truly become friends. Our relationship will be one of the things that goes through my mind as the palm tree goes through my chest.”

“Really?”

Yeah, sure, why not?

“You’re such a dick.”

I’m the only one who tells you the truth, John. Has anyone else told you that you have weak ankles?

“No.”

Surprised they haven’t snapped in half yet while you soloed.

“There’s nothing wrong with my ankles.”

They just look like they should have a charm anklet around one of them. Maybe both. Dude. Dude? Double anklet.

“I don’t know why you’re like this.”

I calls ’em likes I sees ’em. And those are the ankles of a six-year-old girl.

“I’m gonna go.”

Not even an athletic six-year-old girl.

“Leave me out of this until winter tour.”

Are you confirming that there’s a winter tour?

“Yeah, sure why not?”

You turned it back around.

“I did.”

Nice.

“You want me to sing at your funeral?”

Solo stuff or Dead?

“Solo stuff.”

Pass.

“Asshole.”

Have some respect for the doomed.

The Story So Far

The Second Little Aleppo Novel (So Far)

  1. Hey, Baby, It’s The Fourth Of July
  2. Home Is Where They Have To Take You In
  3. The Bravest Of Little Aleppo
  4. Frankie Nickels Is Live And On The Air
  5. Circular Motion
  6. For Telling Fortunes Better Than They Do
  7. Sometimes, Decisions Are Made For You
  8. Breakfast In A Neighborhood In America
  9. A First Time For Everything
  10. Waking Dreams
  11. Who Was Last Shall Be First
  12. Reading Back To Front
  13. Fever And Flirtations In Little Aleppo
  14. Untold Fortune
  15. Exile On The Main Drag
  16. A Conference No One Wanted To See
  17. Class
  18. Fully Involved
  19. Check-In Time
  20. Setting Out And Settling Down
  21. Freedom And Speech
  22. On The Road Out Of Little Aleppo
  23. No Substitutions
  24. Shelter From The Storm
  25. Bringing Out The Living
  26. You’ll Never Make Us Run
  27. A Raising Of Stakes

Put Me In, Life Coach

Enthusiasts, you know that I do this for you. Everything, all for you: each meandering, over-punctuated sentence, belabored metaphor, recycled joke masquerading as a running gag, the endless neologizing. All for you.

And why?

Because I love you.

You know this, Enthusiasts. My love for you is resplendent and vociferous and several other words that don’t quite mean what I want them to. My love for you grooves; it shakes; it shits on the bar during Happy Hour. My love for you has no boundaries, no matter how politely you ask that I stop licking your muffins. My love for you stole twenty bucks from your wallet when you weren’t looking. Which came first: the chicken, the egg, or my love for you?

I know not.

All I know is that I love you.

And I want to do more, Enthusiasts. Which is why I am proud and, of course, blessed to announce the arrival of TotD’s Life Coacharium. My unique skills and experience as a Life Coachologist™can be yours, and all that I ask in exchange from you is nothing. And money. Also, you’ll need to sign a contract saying that you won’t sue me no matter what I do. Who can benefit from some time in the Life Coacharium? I’ll tell you:

  • The stymied.
  • The stuck.
  • Previous victims of multi-marketing schemes and/or cults.
  • The sexually confused.
  • The confusingly sexual.
  • Benjy Eisen.

Perhaps you feel like you were meant for something greater. Maybe you’ve been waiting for your day in the sun and just don’t know how to get out from under your umbrella. Or if you have too much money. Whatever it is: I alone can fix you.

TotD’s Life Coacharium has several levels of engagement and also custom-designed programs focused on YOU, the loser who needs help.

Plebeian Level

I (or one of our well-trained and vetted Life Coachologists™who definitely isn’t someone from the Comment Section I sub-contracted you out to) will text you several times a day with inspirational quotes and dick pics. For an additional fee, the dick pics will not be sent.

Legionnaire’s Level

Clients choosing this option will be allowed one (1) phone call with me a day during the window of time lasting from 5 pm EST to 5:30 pm EST unless I’m napping or yanking off or whatever. I WILL NOT YANK OFF WITH YOU ON THE PHONE unless you want to.

Praetor’s Suite Level

You fly me to the nearest Four Seasons Hotel, I come over* every day and slap you silly until you make something of your worthless life.

Enthusiasts, can you afford to waste the rest of your life just like you’ve wasted the part up until now? More importantly: can you afford me? I think that you can.

And why is that?

It is because I love you.

 

 

*You will provide lunch, and I have incredibly specific demands.

Would You Break A Butterfly On A Beam?

Hey, Mickey. Rando?

“No. Poet.”

Much worse.

“What’s wrong with poetry?’

Nothing. It’s poets I can’t abide. I don’t like writing in complete paragraphs, but I do.

“Sometimes.”

Sure. What do you like about her poetry?

“The rhythm of it.”

I’m shocked.

“And she’s a life coach too!”

What does that mean?

“I don’t know!”

Sure.

“The Dead never really did the life coach thing. We preferred fake Indians and rogue chemists.”

The important thing is that you got good advice.

“That is the important thing. We never got it, but still: important.”

There gonna be a D&C winter tour?

“Christ, I hope so.”

Spent all the money from summer tour already?

“Oh, yeah.”

What on?

“Life coaching.”

There it is.

A Raising Of Stakes In Little Aleppo

Cannot Swim saw the flood raging. Swallowed up the earth, spat it out, gulped again, and the innocent drowned next to the wicked. Bodies bobbing in between brick buildings, water sloshing through second-floor windows. It was the tonnage; it was the motion; it was the pressure: that was the water’s weapon. Individual drops corralled together, lashed as one and brigading all the decent folks’ investments and photo albums and flinging babies into jagged rocks; he saw it all with eyes that would not close and then Cannot Swim walked into a tree.

“Son of a BITCH!”

“Heh heh heh,” Talks To Whites laughed.

“It’s not funny!”

The horse named Easy Life made a noise like PLUFFplffplff.

“It is. Even the horse is laughing, dude.”

Cannot Swim had clonked his forehead on the redwood’s bark, and he rubbed at it. Needles and dirt had fallen on him when he and the tree collided, so he brushed himself clean. Checked his nose.

“Am I bleeding?”

“I dunno. Pull up your tunic and lemme see.”

“Your mouth is going to get you in trouble one of these days.”

“That’s what I got you for, Cuz.”

“With me. Your mouth is going to get you in trouble with me.”

“Well, then I’m fucked.”

The three had topped the pass through the Segovian Hills a ways back and could see the nascent White town of C—–a City below them through the pines and crests, but just flashes; Talks To Whites had steered them off the trail–what there was of it–once they started descending. To the south, hidden by the brambles and sage and willowberry and brush. This was the way that Talks To White’s father had taught him to take, a long and looping tack all the way around the town. Leave a few miles in between you and the Whites so they could not see you, his father told him. Enter their village from the east. Leave the same way. Watch to make sure you’re not followed. Most of the Whites did not know that the Pulaski lived on the other side of the hills. All of the Pulaski thought that was a fine idea.

Easy Life led the way. He ambled carefully and placed his feet, big as dinner plates, where he intended. He could not be hurried, and if would bite you if you tried. Not hard, at least not the first time. The horse had been treated like a member of the tribe for so long that he thought himself equal to the Pulaski and expected the same respect from them as he showed. Easy Life never whipped any of the humans in the ass with a switch to get them to move faster, so he didn’t see why he should have to tolerate it.

Of the three of them, the horse knew the way the best, so the humans followed him.

“You were out there.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your eyes glazed over,” Talks To White said. “And you were moaning again like the night you talked to Here And There.”

The sun was on their right, and their shadows were long and broken by trees.

“More visions?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been having a lot of those.”

“Yes.”

“Here And There tell you what they mean?”

“Cousin, I left her kotcha understanding less than when I entered.”

“Her way of knowing is not like ours. She speaks to the Great Bear Who Is Pregnant With The Universe. She is friends with the Fox With Teeth For Eyes. She can see what we cannot.”

“What can we not see?”

“Underlying themes.”

“You make as little sense as her,” Cannot Swim said, and spat out his leaf.

Cannot Swim and Talks To Whites were, according to the Pulaski, still children and therefore not allowed to chew the leaf of the Peregrine maria tree. But they were both sixteen and therefore believed the rules applied to everyone but them. Talks To Whites got the leaf from Stranger Who Hunts Well, who had wandered into the village a while ago and stayed. Stranger Who Hunts Well spoke the White language, so he and Talks To Whites got along, and he gave Talks To Whites as many leaves as he wanted.

The leaf was life. A speedy morning and an easy afternoon. You shit better when you chewed the leaf, and thought grander, too. Work was easier and so was fucking. The size of a child’s hand and waxy green, the leaf had thirteen points with a waxy green overcoat and a spidery white vein underneath the exact shape of the Mississippi’s route. The peregrine maria trees grew in only one place, the Pulaski thought: a crescent-shaped stand of trees about an hour to the west of the village. The women would walk out once a month to collect the leaves in flat-bottomed baskets made of redwood bark. It was not like coca, which needed to be processed, or tobacco that needed drying: pluck a leaf from the tree, pop it in your mouth, and chew. All there was to it.

“You’re still here?”

“And here is where we will stay, sinner,” Brannie Dade said.

“Then here is where we shall sin,” Manfred Pierce replied, and walked past her into the Wayside Inn.

Bad for business, he thought, and then admonished himself. It’s not all about business. These idiots were riling people up, first of all, and they were scaring away first-timers. The ones walking around the block five times catching a glimpse of the bar’s entrance in their peripheral vision. Never looking at it straight. What might strangers think? The kids who had no place to go and no one to understand them. Adults, too. The Wayside was for them, and these fuckers–these FUCKERS–were standing in the way with their stupid fucking signs and their stupid fucking faces. Manfred was not accepting arguments in the “both sides have a point” vein at the moment.

Lower Montana was by his side, her shoulders straight and ready to fight. She was sixteen and always ready to fight. Or run away at top speed. Sixteen-year-olds have two settings: FUCK YOOOOOOOU and fuuuuuuuck me; they are compromise-less animals, creatures of fight or flight, pure and beautiful and dumb as shit and generally right.

“What about violence?”

“What about it?”

“We should consider it,” Lower Montana said.

“Go downstairs and bring me up some bottles of vodka,” Manfred Pierce said.

Take was off, go figure. Turns out a picket line of churchy fiends calling you sinners in black magic marker scared away customers. Regulars called up, apologized for not coming in, asked if that cute one with the blond curls was there. Thank God they didn’t stay too late. The kind of person who would protest homosexuality also tended to be the early-to-bed type, Manfred noted. They did not like the nightlife; they did not like to boogie.

Manfred had a sheet of paper in his hand as he walked to the deejay booth. Flipped through the records, found what he was looking for. At The End Of The Bar. Tommy Amici’s masterwork. Lyrics by Sniffy Brice and Music by Carlos Charles. Tommy sang songs, but this was an album: it worked as a whole, an epic tone poem. A beginning and an end that echoed each other, and a middle part where everything was up for grabs.

The crackle of the needle.

And then the strings:

BWAAAAAAAHdeee-duh-dee-duh-dee.

And the horns’ counter-melody:

Bah-bah-buh-BAAAAAH-wah-ah.

And then Tommy:

It’s three in the morn
And I’m newly BOOOOOOORN
Into tears
Into being aloooooooone.

They say I’m a star
But I’ll weep in the CAAAAAA-aaar
Just to keep
Me from going back HOOOOO-ooome.

Manfred descended from the booth in his usual pre-open trance. It was choreographed. Life needed a choreographer, he thought. You, take two steps that way; you, leap over there; jazz hands for everyone. The paper in his hand had a diagram on it. The Wayside Inn in simplified black lines on a mimeographed sheet. Instead of states or towns, his map had supplies: so many bottles of this here, and so much of that there. Some people liked checklists, but Manfred Pierce was cartophiliac and needed his space in front of him, represented to scale and perfect. Match reality to the description, he thought. Easy peasy. He danced around his bar. The map said there were ashtrays on every table, so he made sure there were ashtrays on every table. The map said that the floor of the backroom was spotless, so he mopped up the slimy streaks and swept up the empty popper bottles and cigarette packs and teeny baggies. (There were no condoms, as it was 1975.) Sometimes, there was cash or not-so-empty baggies; Manfred put them in the lost-and-found, which was located in his pocket and nose.

A place for everything, and everyone in his place.

Lower Montana was back from the basement. Four bottles of Lubyanka vodka in frosted bottles with thin necks, two cradled in each arm like puppies and two in the capacious inside pockets of her army jacket that had all the rock and roll pins on it. The Snug–they were from Little Aleppo just like her–and a pair of dick-sucking lips, and a skull with an oversized cranium. Upside-down cross with the arms broken off. Her bruised eye had faded to pale yellow like pissed-on snow, barely noticeable in the barroom light, and she was singing along with Tommy Amici without knowing it. Her father had played her this record when she was a child. When she was older, he blacked her eye and disowned her.

O, the gifts our parents give us.

Manfred felt her eyes on him and said,

“What should we do?”

“You’re asking me?”

“I am.”

Lower Montana was a smart kid, but a smart kid is still a kid and so she answered,

“Kill them.”

Manfred took the vodka from her and put the bottles where the map said they went. Then he said,

“Besides that.”

“Cripple them.”

“Physically?”

“Yeah. Slice their spinal cords.”

“Slice their spinal cords?”

“Or something.”

Manfred leaned on the bar and motioned for Lower to do the same. He was wearing a fanciful shirt–ultra-Hawaiian, maybe–and he pulled a stout joint from his pocket. Lit a match from a pack with a plain white cover FffftPOP and then he sucked up PWOFFPWOFF and inhaled and blew out PHWOO and then he handed the doobie to the teenager.

“We’re right, right?”

“Yeah,” Lower Montana said.

“We’re on the side of compassion and love and a little bit of sweaty humping?”

“Right,” she said, and sucked deep on the joint and PHWOO handed it back to him.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Okay.”

“It doesn’t matter. Being right doesn’t matter. Not to grown-ups.”

“What does matter?”

“Winning.”

The smoke from the joint curled and flittered in the shadowy light. Tommy Amici sang about heartache and heartbreak, for love’s sake, and for the sorrow that anything but perfectly-requited love brings. Weird thing about love. Gotta calibrate your requiting. Over-requited, under-requited: no good. Love is equal or love ain’t, Tommy sang. Otherwise, someone ends up hurt.

The way you’d receive me
You’d never deceive me
That’s the lie that I told
.

The smell of your perfume
Still hunts our dark bedroom
Since your heart has grown COOOOO-ooold.

And tonight I will sleep
With only the pillow to hold.

The strings swelled against the constraints of the vinyl’s groove, and then the brass and woodwinds, too. Air came through the Wayside’s giant speakers, air that had been in a recording studio in Los Angeles in 1956 and picked up by microphones and etched into acetate; it was whooshy and thick and not silence. There was no sound, but it was not silence.

“Go flip the record, sweetie.”

Lower Montana handed the joint to Manfred Pierce and said,

“Can we listen to Roxy Music? I just bought their new album.”

Manfred held the joint away from her.

“Flip the record or you’re not getting the joint back.”

“You suck.”

“And well, I’ve been told.”

Lower stuck her tongue out at Manfred. He smiled. She clomped off to the deejay booth; the needle was clicking clicking clicking against the end of the record. Same thing after same thing, infraction upon infraction, sharpness coming up against the same damn wall time and time again. Beaten back over and over, but carving marks and chops into the vinyl. SHHHHT-pop, SHHHHHT-pop

And nothing now. Lower Montana has lifted the stylus, set it in its cradle, the record orbits between her fingertips. Down. Side Two. This is the part where the album gains steam and momentum; this is where the promises are kept or not: art can make so many promises, but it’s a bitch keeping them. At The End Of The Bar kept up its end of the deal; Tommy Amici was a straight-shooter when he sang, if never else.

Side Two starts with a BRAMP! BRAMP BRAMP WHAAAAAaaaaaOHHH! from the horns Then the drums TAT-A-BLAM! and the strings padded along behind like a safety net.

You think you got me
Iiiiinnnnnn your pocket
You never understood me
Girl, I’m a rocket of LOOOOOOOOOOooooove.

“My dad used to play this for me,” Lower said quietly.

Manfred thought about telling her about his childhood. Daddy screaming drunk and waving his pistol around. The ladies from church bringing by food so they could feel better about their own families. Least they weren’t the Pierces.

But he didn’t. Just took her hand and said,

“We also need some rum from downstairs, sweetie.”

“Do I technically work here?”

“You’re technically not even supposed to be in here.”

Lower climbed down from her stool–her feet did not reach the ground–and moseyed towards the stairs to the basement muttering under her breath about slave labor.

“What?” Manfred called out behind her.

“Nothing!”

“Thought so.”

Manfred was alone with Tommy Amici, in a bar that Tommy Amici would never have set custom-shod foot in, and he spritzed down the bar and wiped it with a clean towel. He would have preferred Lower stay at his house and study for the English test she had tomorrow. But she had met someone. College girl, an older woman. They were goopy and sweet around each other. Lower had spent the night with her a few times, and she had snuck through the window back into the house on Fantic Street in the morning until Manfred told her to just use the front door. Good for her to have someone, and he liked the girl, too. Thought she was too tall for Lower, but he supposed lesbians went for tall girls just like he went for tall guys.

The front door of the Wayside Inn opened at the same time Lower Montana emerged from the basement with four bottles of Sangre Nelson Rum. Tall woman walked in and saw Lower first.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

The tall woman turned to Manfred Pierce behind the bar and said,

“These cocksuckers are starting to piss me the fuck off, Manny.”

“Join the club, Flower.”

Lower delivered the bottles to Manfred; he turned around conspicuously so they could kiss. They did: Flower Childs brushed the long hair away from Lower Montana’s face, and Lower stretched up on the tippity-top of her toes. First, they leaned their heads to the left, and then the right, and then they laughed and Flower Childs took Lower Montana’s whole head in her hands and planted one on her. They were both wearing tee-shirts and jeans and boots and Flower stuck her tongue deep in Lower Montana’s mouth; Lower’s hand reached for Flower’s tit and grabbed it, squeezed it, felt its warmth, and squeezed again, and Manfred went,

“Harrumph.”

Flower Childs put her arm around Lower’s back and pulled her close to her; Lower offered no resistance.

“Offending your delicate sensibilities?”

“Girls are icky,” Manfred said.

“Well, good thing there’s no girls here. Just women,” Flower said.

“Yeah! Women!” Lower Montana added. She pumped her fist in the air.

Manfred rolled his eyes and made a mental note: one day, understand lesbians.

“Y’can’t fight back. If they fuck with us. We just gotta walk away.”

“I won’t be fucked with.”

“You will,” Talks To Whites said. “And you’ll walk away with me. Cuz otherwise they’ll kill both of us.”

“I will not take shit from them,” Cannot Swim said.

The two Pulaski boys and the horse had emerged from the hills into America. They had made camp for the night in the vanishing daylight. It was warm, so they did not need a fire. Fire produces smoke, anyway, and they were trying to lay low on the way into town. Easy Life wandered off, ate grass, nibbled shrubs, tasted leaves, pooped. The cousins ate smoked trout with their hands. Talks To Whites had wrapped two large-ish fish in the leaves of an umbrella plant and put them in his satchel before they left. He had not told Cannot Swim about the fish, knowing how much his cousin loved trout. When he pulled them out, Cannot Swim clapped in happiness. The route that Talks To White’s father had taught him followed a stream, so there was water to drink. It was warmer in America than in the valley the Pulaski called home, so the boys had removed their tunics and sat in their breechcloths on the ground.

“You gonna eat your eyeballs?”

“You’re so fucking gross, dude,” Talks To White said.

“Gimme gimme.”

Talks To Whites handed his cousin his half-eaten fish. Cannot Swim sllllllUUUURPPPPPed the eyeballs out of the trout’s head. Chewed loudly, and with his mouth open. Handed the fish back.

“I’m just flabbergasted.”

“Best part, dude,” Cannot Swim said.

“Really? Not the meat? Cuz I think the meat is the best part.”

“That’s because you don’t have my refined palate.”

“Why don’t you just suck the horse’s dick?”

“If it tasted like trout eyeballs? I’d consider it.”

The sun was no longer in the sky, but its light lingered. And there was the moon, early as always like a rude guest: first to arrive and last to leave. The boys had removed Easy Life’s pack-saddle, and they sat on the canvas blanket that went in between the horse’s back and the wooden frame. Magpies were in the trees. Their song sounded digital and glitched, and in between phrases they made a sound like a rattlesnake CHIH CHIH CHIH. Both boys had a rifle close to hand.

“Cousin, you must not fight the Whites if they start shit.”

“You keep saying this. Why?’

“Because they’re gonna start shit. They’re a shit-starting pack of motherfuckers. They drink poison all day and start shit.”

“Posion?”

“They call it whiskey. It makes them loud and stupid and mean. Louder and stupider and meaner, I guess.”

“What is whiskey?” Cannot Swim said.

“I’ll show you. You’ll hate it. Tastes like shit and makes you puke,” Talks To Whites answered.

“Like the mushroom tea we drink at Midsummer’s?”

“Kinda, but not really.”

“How bad could it taste?”

“Like someone punched you in the tongue.”

“And this whiskey, it makes the Whites start shit?”

“Not makes them. Allows them to without conscience.”

Cannot Swim thought about this for a moment while chewing on his peregrine leaf. He had never met a White before, except for Stranger Who Hunts Well’s Useless Friend, and that little idiot was nothing to worry about. Were they all tiny and jittery? Did they all wear hats? Stranger Who Hunts Well’s Useless Friend always wore a hat, which none of the Pulaski did. Stranger Who Hunts Well wore a hat, as well. He was not a Native–not a Pulaski, but not a White–and he wore the Whites’ clothes: hat and trousers and hard shoes.

“Do they all wear hats?”

“Cousin, you’ve never seen so many fucking hats.”

“All of them?”

“Yes.”

“All the time?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do the Whites have different skulls than we do? Maybe they cannot take the sun on their heads,” Cannot Swim said.

“That’s a theory. Honestly, though? I’ve never asked.”

“Does their god require headwear?”

“Maybe. Could be.”

“We should ask.”

“We shouldn’t. Dude, we’re gonna buy two rifles and as much ammo as Easy Life can carry and get the fuck out of Dodge. Maybe we’ll let their whores bathe us, but other than that? In and out.”

And then the cousins were quiet. The horse had returned from his wandering, and stood sleeping above the two. Both boys rolled up their tunics and placed them beneath their heads. The stars were close enough to fuck.

“Have I told you how much I hate sleeping outside?”

“Eleven times. You have told me that fact eleven times since we left the village this morning.”

“Make it twelve.”

“I will.”

They were quiet again.

“You’d look good in a hat,” Talks To Whites said.

“I will not wear the White man’s clothes.”

“Maybe a Stetson. Actually, for your head shape I would go with a bowler.”

“I do not understand these words you’re saying. Shut up and go to sleep,” Cannot Swim said.

“Hate sleeping outside.”

“Thirteen.”

Manfred Pierce’s hair was gray now. His teeth were still neat and white, but his hair was gray and so was his mustache and no one had marched on the sidewalk in front of the Wayside Inn for many years. Funny story about how he got rid of her and her band of assholes…

How did I get rid of them? he wondered as the room got hotter. He threw his shoulder against the backroom door. Men used to fuck in the dark in here, back in the Seventies, but now it was storage and he could not remember getting how his own story ended. All the whiskey was back there, and the vodka and rum, too, and the fat shiny pony kegs of Arrow beer stacked three high in the corner where they belonged but he did not belong in here, not now, not with this kind of heat, and he felt his humerus wrench from the socket but did not feel pain as he hurled himself against the door and cried out for someone anyone everyone anyone to please help; Manfred did not know the knobs had been chained shut from the outside and coins wedged in the jamb to seal it tight the man who had walked in right before closing asked for a martini and when he turned around to grab the gin was the last thing he remembered before coming to in the backroom which was now locked and getting hotter and he could not remember how he got rid of Brannie Dade and her protestors but he could see his mother’s tears and smell his father’s cigarette breath and he could feel the USS Dextrous shudder and snap around him as the Communists launched bombs at it as his hair which was now gray singed and sizzled and then flamed he dropped to his knees and beat at his head but did not feel the pain a fire doubles in size every sixty seconds fire is logarithmic and he thought of Orphic Mystery and the picture of her that hung above his bar that was the only picture of her as she’d want to be remembered there was one other that was printed in the paper of her with her brains splattered on the sidewalk of the Main Drag but in the one hanging above the bar she was beautiful and she was smiling and she was with people who loved her and that was the only picture there was and Manfred Pierce was digging at the concrete floor of the backroom his fingernails ripped off and his knuckles sheered and splintered and he could not feel the pain wasn’t fair wasn’t fair wasn’t fair to erase a person like that she was a kid and now there would be nothing left but a photo that was used as evidence in a trial that never happened and not one that her friends placed their fingertips to gently and then to their lips and then back and when the temperature hits 1,800 degrees everything catches fire even flesh and Manfred Pierce kissed his ruined fingertips and placed them to a photo that was not there and then the back room flashed over and there was no pain at all just a roar just a roar.

Just a roar.

The firetrucks didn’t pull back into the station until well after noon. When a cleanup becomes a crime scene, things become complicated and take longer. Dwayne McGlory had torn the metal door to the backroom off with his Halligan tool as easy as a popping open a beer bottle. Protocol dictated that you checked the vital signs, so he did even though he knew what he would learn. The sun was streaming in through the vents cut in the roof and Dwayne called out,

“Chief. Come here.”

The firetrucks didn’t pull back into the station until well after noon. Flower Childs did not shower or pack up her gear, just walked outside onto the sidewalk of Alfalfa Street and turned left away from the Main Drag and walked down two blocks to a rowhouse numbered 138. There was an envelope on the Welcome mat. White, plain. She opened it.

“I TOLD YOU THIS ONE WOULD HURT.”

Flower Childs stopped herself from tearing up the note and did not cry. She popped the envelope back open, folded the typing paper back up, slid it in and took two deep breaths and opened the front door that was not locked.

On the piano was a picture taken at the Wayside many years ago. Two girls, one tall and one short, and a man whose smile showed off a row of neat, white teeth. The short girl from the picture was a short woman now, and she was standing in the living room with a cup of coffee that she set down on the messy table when she saw the look on the Flower Childs’ face and went to her and wrapped her up as much as her arms would allow and the tall girl from the picture, who was a tall woman now, set her head on Lower Montana’s and shook with tears and began to scream and because she had not closed the door, everyone could hear her all the way to the fire station and to the Main Drag and to the harbor and all the way up the Segovian Hills that were supposed to form a natural barrier between the world and Little Aleppo, which is a neighborhood in America.

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