CELL PHONE NOISE
“No. No. No, no, no. I’m just not gonna answer it. I’m not gonna pick it up. But they won’t give up. They’ll keep calling me, and they’ll keep calling me until I listen to their drunken bullshit. No. No, no. I’m not gonna pick it up. I’m not.”
…
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Fuck! Hello?”
“Maggie, this is Donald Trump.”
“Oh, hello, Mister–”
“Junior.”
“Shit.”
“I did a thing today.”
“You sure did, buddy. Testified in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. How’d it go?”
“Fucking killed it.”
“Uh-huh. I heard you got lost coming back from the bathroom.”
“That building is complicated!”
“Right.”
“They should let my dad build them a new Senatorium.”
“Capitol. The building is called the Capitol.”
“They should call it the Ugly Zone. There’s no amenities at all. I kept asking people, ‘Are you the concierge?’ And everyone was like, ‘Junior, you’re talking to a statue.’ I was confused a little, but then I yelled ‘Fake News!’ and I made myself laugh and everything was okay. Well, not okay. I was still pretty lost. Hey, what are you wearing?”
“A Sarah Lawrence tee-shirt and sweatpants with a pizza stain on them.”
“Hot.”
“What are you wearing, Junior?”
“A business suit, because I’m a businessman.”
“Right. Even at three in the morning?”
“Ten a.m. in Moscow.”
“What?”
“Dude, you would not believe how hard I bullshitted these dummies. They just sat there eating it up. They bought everything.”
“Riiiiight. Junior, do you know what a ‘perjury trap’ is?”
“Pssh. Of course I do. I went to Pennsylvania University.”
“You mean the University of Pennsylvania?”
“Same thing.”
“It’s not. What’s a perjury trap, Junior?”
“It’s…the…thing…where…you…”
“Are you googling it?”
“No! I KNOW WHAT IT IS! I’m smart.”
“Okay.”
“Perjury trap doctrine refers to a principle that a perjury indictment against a person must be dismissed if the prosecution secures it by calling that person as a grand-jury witness in an effort to obtain evidence for a perjury charge especially when the person’s testimony does not relate to issues material to the ongoing grand-jury investigation. The perjury trap is a form of entrapment defense, and so must be affirmatively proven by the defendant.”
…
“Yeah, that’s the first hit on google.”
“No, it’s not! What’s google? I’ve never even heard of that. Is it like antifa? You are such fake news.”
“Okay, fine.”
“Why aren’t you supporting my dad? He’s the greatest president ever. Ever!”
“Well, that’s debatable, and the job of a journalist isn’t to support the president. It’s to report the news.”
“Okay, well, here’s the news: President Trump is awesome. What other president has reached across the aisle before to make a deal with the enemy party?”
“All of them. Every single one. Until Obama, for some reason.”
“Because he was divisive.”
“Right. That’s it.”
“I still think he was born in Kanye.”
“Kenya. He was born in Kenya. And he wasn’t.”
“My dad says different. My lawyer took me for hot dogs after the hearing today. I had almost three.”
“Who’s a big boy?”
“I am.”
“Yes, you are. So, what exactly did you tell the Judicial Committee about that meeting?”
“Dude, I told them that the Russian lawyer lady didn’t have any good information.”
“Was that true?”
“OH MY GOD, NO. She gave us all sorts of shit on Hillary. And, you know, I vetted her fitness. Because if anyone’s more qualified than me to judge Hillary’s fitness, I don’t know who they are.”
“You, the man who’s never worked for anyone but his daddy, were going to ‘vet the fitness’ of a former Senator and Secretary of State?”
“Yeah, fuck her.”
“Sure.”
“Bitch.”
“There it is. Okay, Junior. I gotta get some sleep.”
“Fuck that. Come on over. I got gak.”
“No, thank you.”
“Pink and flaky, yo.”
“Pass.”
“More for Junior.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT.
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