Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

A Complete Transcript Of A Phone Call

CELL PHONE NOISE

Yello?

“Mr. on the Dead? This is Medicine calling!”

You again?

“We will be getting very well acquainted over the next few months!”

What?

“I am calling with some test results for you.”

I haven’t taken any medical tests recently.

“We performed them without your consent!”

Are you allowed to do that?

“This is Florida, Mr. on the Dead! All is permitted!”

What test are you talking about?

“Do you recall last month when the doctor traipsed about in your doody-garden?”

I remember having a colonsocopy.

“That is what I said! The doctor tip-toed through your poo-lips!”

Ew.

“Well, the doctor became bored by your colon. He called it ‘pedestrian,’ Mr. on the Dead.”

Uh-huh.

“So he took himself a trip into your Ileum. Just like Achilles!”

Gotcha.

“Oh, I do love classical references.”

We all do. Can you get to the point, please?

“Absolutely! I have some good news and some bad news. Let’s play a fun game! I will give you the good news, and you try to guess what the bad news is.”

I don’t think I wanna play this game.

“It is too late! I have suited up!”

Jesus, I gotta get better insurance.

“Are you ready for some wonderful information?”

Go ahead.

“You know all that quarantine weight you have gained? It is going to fly right off!”

Um.

“Oh! I have another boon tiding for you! You no longer need to be anxious about getting your hair cut!”

Why not?

“Can’t cut what fell out!”

I am starting not to like this good news at all.

“Yes, I may have misapplied the adjective ‘good’ to the news. It is not truly good. But the bad news is horrible! Have you guessed it?”

Please just tell me what the test results were.

“Oh, but guessing is so much more fun. I will give you a hint: What you have rhymes with ‘prancer.'”

Wha?

“And ‘dancer.'”

Jesus.

“And ‘cancer!’ No, wait. It does not rhyme with ‘cancer.’ It is cancer.”

THIS IS HOW YOU TELL ME?

“Do not yell at me for trying to inject a bit of levity into these trying times, Mr. on the Dead.”

I have cancer?

“Just a little bit!”

What does that mean?

“More than none, but less than all. You know how some poor folks are riddled with cancer? That is not you! But there are others who are free of cancer. That is also not you!”

Fuck, man.

“Hey! Stop that! You must be positive! You have cancer, not can’tcer.”

What the fuck did you just say?

“Do not blame me, Mr. on the Dead! You thought up that awful joke in the car this afternoon.”

Can’t argue with you on that one.

“No, you cannot! Why were you in the car? I hope it was not to buy green bananas! You might not see that fruit to fruition!”

What? You said it was just a little bit of cancer!

“And John Kennedy had just a little bit of lead in his skull! Some substances are very dangerous even in small quantities!”

Okay, okay, okay. What do I actually have?

“Swampscott limpopo!”

“I may be pronouncing that incorrectly. I have trouble with medical terms!”

Uh-huh. Did you mean ‘small intestine lymphoma?’

“Let’s go with that!”

Great.

PANICKED IDIOT GOOGLING IN A PANIC NOISE

This is not terrible. I mean: It’s fucking terrible, but it could be worse. 86% survival rate. If it’s early enough, they can just chop a chunk of my gut out. I might not even need chemo or radiation.

“You are not that lucky!”

I want to stop talking to you.

“That is impossible! We will be getting so familiar in the coming months!”

Yeah, probably.

“Before I go, Mr. on the Dead, I have one last question.”

Sure.

“Have you pooped out a watch? The doctor cannot find his Rolex.”

I’m gonna hang up the phone.

“Do it carefully! You are fragile now!”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

29 Comments

  1. BingosBrother

    Goddamnit.

  2. occidentalpoppy

    Fuck. Stay tough; you can beat this thing.

  3. dawn

    wow. that totally sucks.

  4. JAH

    Fuck. You can beat this.

  5. Chris

    I’m sorry to hear this and fuck you for making me laugh while I did. Hope your treatment is fast, painless and record-breakingly effective. Fuck cancer.

    • ste4ve

      ^^^^^ What Chris said. ^^^^^

      • Tor Haxson

        ste4ve is right Chris said this better than I can.

        ^^^^^^^What Ste4ve said about what Chris said ^^^^^^^

  6. orphic

    All of the above comments are true. Thoughts & prayers is usually the BS they say after a mass shooting, but you have them here. Many people you’ve never met really want you to make it through this, possibly selfishly because they like your work (like me), so I/we fervently hope you do well!

  7. ritchie vanian

    I am very sorry.

  8. Matt O

    Fuck, dude…good vibes and heady meds…u got this.

  9. tubro on the dead.

    you’ve built up some good karma by entertaining your flock all this time, mr on the dead. now go beat this fucking shit on down the uh, line.

  10. Edub

    Sending strong vibes Mr. TotD.

  11. Sneven

    Fuck cancer. Fuck 2020. Fuck cancer. You got this. Nothing but love and light heading your way from we enthusiasts.

  12. billyray

    Do what they tell you. Like I need a reason to smoke weed.

  13. JES

    On your team, man. Rootin’ for you hard. (Not rootin’ IN you hard. Don’t like to get too close to Medicine, y’know. Best to not make any sudden moves or make eye contact when Medicine is about). You give a lot of folks in a lot of places a lot of sweet brain candy and fun for the soul, and that helps so so SO much some days. Hope that we can push that good mojo back for you too in some way. And hope that your treatment and recovery are swift and comfortable and full.

  14. SmokingLeather

    I am SO not shocked that 2020 came for one of our national treasures. Fuck cancer.

  15. Greg pelly

    Heal well and quickly friend!

  16. wabisabied

    Thoughts and prayers, muchacho.

    https://i.pinimg.com/736x/a5/33/e2/a533e26d7323839fd4ec2350ac776084.jpg

  17. is it about my cube

    Well, this is awful. Sending out the best vibes I can manage for a swift and full recovery. Stay strong, and remember the Enthusiasts are here for anything you need.

  18. hcm

    Sending all the best vibes, Mr. ToTD. And I know I’m far from alone in doing that. You have many many folks pullin’ hard for you.

  19. Luther Von Baconson

    (((((((Good Health, Love)))))))

  20. Cube

    Yeah not a fan of colon cancer. Give it hell and enjoy the doobies.

  21. NoThoughtsOnDead

    I’m so sorry. Please let us know if you are low on edibles, unless those are somehow contraindicated for gut patients. I’ll pledge to stay shiny and bright here, and not get maudlin beyond Fuck Cancer.

  22. Morning Deuce

    Gawdammit. Be strong Mr. TotD. We are pullin for ya hard.

  23. steveb2973

    Best wishes … and a small contribution to the Donate button. May it serve you well.

  24. saladman8283

    You got this! Standing by to provide anti-nausea assistance.

    • Tom Banjo

      Long time lurker; so sorry to hear this news.
      Two years since receiving a (non-cancerous) shitty diagnosis of my own.
      Some days are better than others. The better ones are the days I push back and fight.
      Be strong, and fight this fucker.
      Good vibes and a donation headed your way.

  25. chef1lizard aka 600lbsof

    Positive healing vibes. (((((((((((((((TotD)))))))))))))))
    You will beat this.

  26. Paul Hébert

    I still read this daily as a way to laugh at my own diagnosis. Right here with you.

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