OFFICE PHONE NOISE

“Hello? This is a doctor’s office. Are you feeling logy or fluish? Then you need doctoring!”

Hi. Uh, no. I feel fine.

“What about your balloon-knot? Is it raw and inflamed?”

Are you talking about my anus?

“I know next to nothing about the cosmic ballet of planets, sir.”

Not Uranus. My anus.

“Wouldn’t you like to be an anus, too?”

Can I get to the reason for my call, please?

“I do not know, but if you’re just gonna be blathering about buttholes, then I certainly hope not.”

I’m a patient of Dr. H—–, and I have an endoscopy scheduled for the 14th. I would like to cancel.

“And I would like for my fingers to be made of grape popsicles, so that I could lick and suck them all day. We so rarely get what we want in this shabby world.”

Ma’am, I just need to cancel the procedure.

“Mm-hmm. You said you were having a footectomy?”

No.

“Is it an otherfootectomy?”

This has nothing to do with feet.

“Don’t let Quentin Tarantino hear you say that! He will head-butt you, and that man’s head is not shaped correctly, so the butting will hurt so much more than normal!”

Endoscopy.

“That sounds made up. Are you sure you would not like titty implants?”

No, thank you.

“Dr. H—– can make you boobariffic.”

He’s a gastroenterologist.

“Yes, sir, but this is Florida. All doctors are allowed to do all procedures here. Just the other day, I watched a podiatrist separate conjoined twins.”

No breast implants. I’m calling to reschedule.

“Mm-hmm. You were scheduled for the 14th?”

Yes, ma’am.

“How about the 15th?”

No.

“16th?”

Also no.

“13th?”

I was thinking more along the lines of September. After the pandemic is over.

“Oh, that will be a problem for us. We bought our calendars at a remainder sale, and they only go to July 10th.”

What?

“Let me sweeten the deal for you, Mr. on the Dead: you come in here on the 14th, and we will include a recreational vehicle.”

An RV?

“I do not know the vehicle well enough to be so colloquial, sir.”

You wanna give me an RV if I get en endoscopy?

“It has been lightly used–”

Pass.

“–by Joe Exotic.”

Hard pass. Hardest pass ever.

“It has been mostly fumigated!”

No.

“You are picky and persnickety, sir.”

Uh-huh.

“What about we do it at your house?”

Excuse me?

“You are concerned about the patronus virus?”

Corona.

“Oh, no thank you. It is too early in the morning for Hispanic beverages, but if you are making a Slurpee run, then I would like a cherry.”

Ignoring that.

“Rude. Like I said: if you are worried about our facility, we can roto-rooter you out in the privacy and comfort of your own house. Or, if you are a poor, your apartment.”

My home is no place for medical procedures.

“Why not? Do you have roommates?”

No. That’s not the point.

“It will go so beautifully, Mr. on the Dead. But you should be advised to stock up your fridge with snacks and various sundries. Dr. H—- gets peckish when he works.”

We’re not doing the endoscopy at my house.

“What about the mall? It is empty!”

No!

“Oh, I do not like your tone, Mr. Cranky.”

I apologize for snapping. But I just want to cancel my procedure. It’s a simple request.

“So was my wish for grape popsicle fingers! But life is uncooperative!”

I’m hanging up now.

“You go with God, sir.”

I will.

“Unless He is going to Golden Corral! That place is riddled with disease even on a good day.”

Gotcha.

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT