“Run again.”
“Bron, I can’t keep telling you this. I, uhhh, can’t be president again. Two terms, all you get.”
“No, no, no. Two terms in a row. You only get two terms in a row. Take one off, and then you can be president again.”
“You know I taught Constitutional Law at Harvard, right? Trust me on this one.”
“You trust me on this: my shot’s going in.”
SWISH
“What’s the score?”
“The score is irrelevant. We both know any points you make are ones I let you make.”
“I think I’m, uhhh, holding my own.”
“I could break your ankles at will, sir.”
SWISH
“Did you see my eyes were closed?”
“I did. Bron, you’re angry.”
“This motherfucker–”
“Yup, yup. Outdoor voices.”
“If I’m so dumb, how come I’m so rich?”
“What are you gonna do?”
“Kobe!”
SWISH
“Really?”
“What do you think I should do? There’s that special election this week in Ohio. I was thinking maybe I should pick a fight with him and get him to say some serious bullshit.”
“Don’t engage. Leave it alone. You ended up net positive on this one. Think about it: what else could have gotten your school this amount of free publicity?”
“It’s incredible. The phones in the front office exploded. Literally. There was a BANG and smoke. I saw it happen.”
“There you go: you won.”
“So I should do it again! Mr. President, I have an idea.”
“Don’t say–”
“I’m gonna go on Fox News.”
“–you’re going on…Jesus, man, he’ll launch the nukes. That’s his safe space.”
“And I’m gonna get up in there. All day. I’m gonna start with the two dummies and the lady, and then the one where it’s all hot women and one dude. I’m gonna be the dude.”
SWISH
“Shepard Smith is not bad. He does not lie.”
“No. Does not lie.”
“But is working for evil. And I’m staying in the studio all afternoon until Hannity gets there, and when that mother–”
“Language.”
“–sees me talking to his late-night phone buddy, he’s gonna lose it. I bet that’s when he’d snap. He’d be, like, sending little shitposts out all afternoon when he saw me with all the girls and just getting furious, and now I’m sitting at the same desk as his best friend. Got my glasses on. Gonna shave the head. Black suit. Bow tie.”
“Going full Nation of Islam?”
“Fruit of Islam.”
“You are, uhhh, going to get a nickname. Low-IQ LeBron.”
“That’s not bad, actually.”
“Thank you.”
SWISH
“Thank you, sir. What is the monster lady’s name? Looks like the Khaleesi, but old and mean?”
“Laura Ingraham. Sour apple of human being.”
“By the second segment, she’s gonna have her hand on my forearm. I’ll bet you a hundred-thousand dollars.”
“Who am I, Charles Barkley? No bet. LeBron, don’t do this. You’re poking a stupid bear.”
“Quarter-of-a-million says I get slobbered during the show.
“In public. We are in public.”
“I think he might tweet it out. And delete it real quick, maybe. Or misspell it.”
“He would never say it.”
“Say it? He says it all the time. When him and Junior are alone? That’s how they bond, by saying it. He loves saying it.”
“He wouldn’t tweet it. He’s not a 15-year-old pitching prospect. It pains me to say this, but he’s not that dumb.
“He is that racist, though.”
“Oh, shit, yeah.”
DRIBBLE
“Mr. President, take the shot.”
BOUNCE PASS NOISE
“Thank you, Bron.”
BALL BEING SWATTED AWAY BY GARGANTUAN HAND NOISE
“That was instinct, but I enjoyed it, sir.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m gonna be honest with you: I sort of resent you for not being the president now.”
“Me? You resent me?”
“Isn’t it weird how emotions work like that?”
“Don’t go on Fox.”
“Just Hannity. And I’m wearing a dashiki and sandals and shit.”
“Do I have to ask Michelle to talk to you?”
“No., sir.”
“Don’t poke the stupid bear.”
“Yes, sir.”
SWISH
SWISH
“Where did the second ball come from?”
“I’m LeBron James.”
“Yup. All right.”
Is that a prediction of who will be the 49th one?
He needs at least one term as governor or 2 in the Senate, otherwise he’s just an amateur celebrity candidate. If he can do that I’m in.
i am so sad for this country. it is a complete embarrassment to have that orange cumwad as president.