NINTH CIRCUIT COURT – DAY
“Marsha Berzon speaking for the Court. We are hearing a challenge from the Department of Justice regarding our decision on the suit involving the migrant children.”
“We object to the word ‘children,’ Your Honor.”
“What would you prefer, counselor?”
“Honestly, we’d prefer they didn’t exist.”
“State your name for the record.”
“Sarah Fabian arguing on behalf of the United States Justice Department. The Big J, baby.”
“Miss Fabian, you are here today regarding the government’s refusal to abide by the rulings of this court when it held that the migrant children were to be treated in a safe and sanitary fashion.”
“Your Honor, we believe that the children are being held in the best possible manner given the political circumstances. They’re better off than a lot of kids their age. Kids in China have to work, but not these kids. They don’t have anything at all to do. It’s idyllic.”
“Idyllic?”
“They can just dream, and lollygag the days away. Like Huck Finn.”
“Counselor, do the children have beds?”
“Define ‘bed.'”
“A mattress, sheets, blanket, and a pillow.”
“That sounds luxurious.”
“Do they?”
“No.”
“A blanket and a pillow?”
“Many of the children use each other as pillows. And, no, they do not have blankets. However, most of the Participation Zones are near the Border, and you really don’t need a blanket down there. It only gets cold at night.”
“I’m sorry, what is a ‘Participation Zone?'”
“It’s what we’re calling our brand-new Caliburn International child way-stations. We’ve privatized the whole process. Caliburn is John Kelly’s company. Isn’t that fun?”
“Everything you people do is a crime.”
“Pretty much.”
“Getting back to the children–”
“Units!”
“–can you tell me more about sleeping arrangements. Are they in control of the lights in their quarters?”
“They are not in control of anything.”
“Does the light go off?”
“It does, yes.”
“Ah. For how long?”
“Briefly. The lights in the facility go off at random, and for random intervals of time. Sometimes they strobe.”
“For God’s sake, why?”
“Malice, Your Honor. Sheer, unadulterated malice towards the weak. You should see those little criminals when the strobe light hits ’em. They fall right over. You would laugh.”
“I would not laugh at that, Miss Fabian. That is not funny.”
“I took a video of it. I have it on my phone, lemme show it to you.”
“Stop that. Counselor, are the children allowed outside?”
“At some of the Participation Zones, they’re outside all day.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, due to the overwhelming numbers we’re doing, we’ve been stashing kids in all sorts of places. We got a couple dozen in what used to be a drive-in movie theater outside Laredo. We show ’em patriotic films on the screen, and the kids just go nuts. But there’s no, you know, shelter.”
“Did you say that there was no shelter?”
“There was the shelter of Christ.”
“Besides that. Physical shelter.”
“Oh. No, no physical shelter. There was the snack stand, but the staff turned it into their break room and won’t let the kids in.”
“A field, Miss Fabian. You are describing a field. The American government is keeping children in a field.”
“Foreign children, Your Honor.”
“Are they at least being fed?”
“Yes, ma’am. They got the popcorn machine going again.”
“What about bathroom facilities?”
“Your Honor, it is the government’s position that illegal immigrants do not have the right to toilets.”
“What?”
“We’ve read the Constitution back and forth, and it is enumerated nowhere within that we have to give sneaker-inners a toilet. They had toilets in Mexico. Why’d they leave there?”
“They’re not from Mexico, counselor.”
“Not only are the Mexicans not sending their best, they’re not even sending Mexicans anymore. Besides, they’re from a Mexico. The Justice Department’s official position is that all the countries to our south are Mexicos.”
“Regardless of the government’s a-geographical opinion, these humans have been place in captivity by the American government and are thereby entitled to certain protections.”
“They are technically being held captive by Caliburn International.”
“Ma’am.”
“Your Honor, I quote Emma Lazarus: Send us your children, and we’ll house ’em in a field and try not to rape all of them.”
“Emma Lazarus said nothing of the sort!”
“I was paraphrasing.”
“I need a break.”
GAVEL NOISE!
Alec Baldwin as DJT does nothing for me, nor to any of the other SNL attempts to make the funny re: this administration. I know John Oliver skewers ’em from time to time, but I don’t have HBO, so I don’t see his show. I say this with all sincerity & greatest appreciation – 2+ years into this nightmare, the only satire about this band of incompetent grifters that does the least bit for me is what I find here. If we all make it through this with our lives & our sanity intact, you’ll get a bunch of the credit for that. ToTD: Come for the occasional choogle, stay for the audacity of hope.
Well said
I appreciate the kind words, sir. I also happen to agree that I am currently America’s finest satirist.
Thoughts on Wolf..
If Wolf could talk, he might say.
“Hey who is this playing me?”
And then try to sort it out.
* No opiate residue on fingers, must be 1974.
* No Nicotine residue.. Not Jerry!
* No left hand pinky use, DEFINITELY not Jerry
* Oh Hey, I smell Steve nearby, maybe he can explain.
Yes Wolf can talk and smell, but she is blind