“Good afternoon, and welcome to OutFront. I’m your host, Erin Burnett, and today we have as our David Schwartz, an attorney who is representing Michael Cohen, who is the lawyer for President Trump. Did I get that right?”
“You did. Thank you for having me, Ms. Burnett.”
“Just to clarify: you’re the President’s lawyer’s lawyer.”
“Yuh-huh.”
“Mr. Schwartz, you’re here today to discuss the contract between the President and Stormy Daniels. There seem to be–and virtually all legal scholars agree on this–massive problems with the contract. First of all, it wasn’t signed by then-candidate.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he didn’t know about it.”
“Excuse me?”
“You have to understand the relationship between Michael Cohen and Donald Trump. Michael ran around putting out fires all day. Quite frankly, if he bothered the President with every settlement he made with a porn star, then Mr. Trump wouldn’t have had any time to build all his grand skyscrapers. It was a weekly thing.”
“You’re saying that the contract signed by Ms. Daniels–”
“Who takes it up the tushee.”
“–was not only not signed by Donald Trump, but he didn’t even know it existed?”
“That’s precisely what I’m saying. You can’t be blackmailed if you don’t know you’re being blackmailed. And then the black guy puts his finger to his temple. Like in the meme.”
“Sir–
“Do you know that meme, Erin?”
“I do. Sir–”
“My kids are crazy for memes.”
“Mr. Schwartz, the problem with your statement is that what you’re describing is completely unethical and may get your client disbarred and the contract voided.”
“It’ll be fine. We’ll grease a judge, the whole thing’ll go away.”
“Did you just say that you’d bribe a judge?”
“Bribe? No. Such an ugly word. I’d never bribe a judge. I would befriend a judge. That’s not a crime.”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Ms. Burnett, let me clarify what my client just misspoke.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Barry Goldstein. I’m Mr. Schwartz’s lawyer.”
“Wait. You’re the President’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer?”
“You say that as if it’s something abnormal.”
“Because it is.”
“That’s a rather bigoted view, Ms. Burnett. Everyone is entitled to legal representation. Now: my client in no way advocated or expressed any actual interest in bribing any judges. He was speaking hypothetically and taken out of context.”
“Which one?”
“Whichever you like. The crux of the issue here is that, like my client said, Ms. Daniels takes it up the tushee and therefore cannot be trusted. She was given Mr. Kostaya’s $130,000 out of the kindness of Mr. Cohen’s heart.”
“Wait, what? Who is Mr. Kostaya?”
“He gave Mr. Cohen the money to give to Stormy. Great guy. Big tipper. Mr. Cohen met him in Prague or somewhere.”
“I’m assuming this Mr. Kostaya is Russian?”
“Russian as hell! Vodka, furry hats, the whole schmear.”
“And what does Mr. Kostaya do?”
“Something in the field of oligarchy.”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Ms. Burnett, my client misspoke.”
“Who are you!?”
“I’m Mr. Goldstein’s lawyer, Baruch Feldman.”
“The President’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer?”
“It’s lawyers all the way down, Erin. There is no Mr. Kostaya. My client Mr. Goldstein has a drinking problem and is also not precisely an attorney.”
“I’m shocked.”
“Mostly, he’s a bagman for Mr. Trump. But he also does goon duty. For example, he was the one who threatened Ms. Daniels in the parking lot.”
“What?”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Robble robble.”
“No! You are not an attorney, Hamburgler!”
“Robble robble!”
“How is that anti-Semitic?”
“Robble–”
“We’ll be right back.”
Solid gold!