“Everybody get the handout? Did we have enough? Raise your hand if you didn’t get a handout. No one? Great. Because it’s a great release. Took a lot of work. Three hour argument in my office about whether the word ‘combatting’ had one or two t’s. Good arguments on both sides of that debate.
“Before I discuss the new legislation, I’d like to take a moment to address the Coronavirus, or Covid, or the Democrat Flu, or whatever you wanna call it. Our hospitals are heroes, and keep social-masks at a distance. Florida’s doing great. High school football is back, baby. Beaches are full. The hurricanes keep hitting Texas and Louisiana instead of us. Like I said: everything’s fine.
“Now to the fun stuff: Republicans will be introducing the Combatting Violence, Disorder and Looting and Law Enforcement Protection Act. Not a great name, I know. I wanted to call it Operation: Ninja Dick, but everyone thought it wasn’t serious enough. I told ’em: Hey, nothing’s more serious than ninja dick. I related several personal experiences I had had over the years to my staff, and they were like, We don’t believe you. So I whistled an ancient and sacred tune, and three ninjas revealed themselves within my office. They had been hiding behind desks and plants and whatever. You know: ninjas. And then I had the ninjas show their dicks to my staff.
“But, uh, they still wouldn’t go with my name.”
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“No, I wasn’t joking about the ninjas. Every word of that story happened.”
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“Well, as I mentioned, I have had several personal experiences with ninjas. During one of those experiences, I saved the life of a ninja prince. His father repaid me with a cadre of shadow warriors that invisibly protect me on my journeys. They’re always there. Did I not mention this during the campaign?”
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“Yeah, their dicks.”
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“No, of course it’s not sexual harassment. They didn’t take their dicks out in a sexual manner. It’s different for ninjas.”
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“Hey, which one of us went to Harvard Law? You? No, me. So trust me when I say that it’s legal for a ninja to take his dick out in a government building. That’s not the point of this briefing, anyway. Forget the ninjas, forget I ever mentioned ninjas. Everyone quiet down. I’m not taking questions anymore. I’m reading from my remarks. Ahem.
“Okay, the Republicans will be blah blah blah looting blah blah act. These new laws are gonna let our prosecutors live up to their potential. There’s not gonna be any nonsense in Florida. I’d rather build new jails than tolerate nonsense. I see Democrat-run cities and states up North burning to the ground, and that’s not allowed here. The more lawless criminals become, the more laws we will pass!
“So, there’s all that’s in the handout, and we’ll also be including some more stuff. For example, we’re looking into something called a ‘restricted placard zone’ that lets us arrest anyone with a picket sign within a certain set of coordinates. We’re also looking into whether we can make it a worse crime to have something clever written on the sign. You know, no one likes a smartass.
“If you look cock-eyed at Disneyworld, you’ll rot. You will rot in one of our newly-built private prisons. Because you know whose lives really matter? Tourists. Tourists’ lives matter. Any of you Antifa or Communists or Black Panthers screw around in the Magic Kingdom, it’ll be the last day you ever see sunshine. Try me, Marxists. You’ll get Florida justice, and Florida justice is real good at getting pointed at people.”
“Referring back to the handout, you’ll see that a driver who feels his or her life is in danger from a vicious leftist mob is allowed to plow through them. Personally, I pushed for a Death Race-style system where patriots could rack up points threshing through protests an a Ford F150 or whatever, but everyone watered it down. Maybe they’re right. Maybe we’re not there yet, but it’s an arrow in my quiver that I’m not afraid to fire.”
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“I said I wasn’t taking any questions.”
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“Yes, they’re here in the room. They’re always with me.”
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“No, I won’t have them show themselves.”
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“Four? Maybe five.”
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“Because if a ninja reveals himself, he either kills you or shows you his dick. It’s a sign of respect! Hence, why it can’t be sexual harassment. Can we get back to the looters and animals?”
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“Y’know what? I’m sorry I ever mentioned the ninjas. I feel they’ve been a distraction. Lemme go back nd prepare a new handout and we’ll reschedule the briefing.”
POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR RUSHING FROM THE ROOM NOISE, FOLLOWED BY NINJAS MAKING NO NOISE
Can’t we just send Billy down there to dose him?