A Partial Transcript Of Governor DeSantis’ Remarks, 9/3/20

“Good morning, everyone. Didja grab a donut? We brought a whole assortment. Democrat states are all on fire, but under President Trump’s bold leadership, I’ve provided you with pastry. That’s yet another win for the GOP. Let’s keep it going ’til November, all right? Great.

“Anyways, we’re not here to talk politics. This is about how the people of Florida–all classes: the landed, burghers, villeins, serfs, lifeguards–came together to defeat the Coronavirus and get our state working again. We’ve got the death toll way down, and that’s due to citizens making the right decisions. I guess some credit would also go to the new way we’re calculating the death toll. Everyone suspected of dying from Covid is now listed as being murdered by Antifa. Kills two birds with one stone. Incredible things can be done with math.

“So since the ronus is on the run, I am happy to announce that Palm Beach County will be transitioning to Phase II of Operation: Pull Yourself Up By Your Flip-Flopstraps. Some businesses will reopen, others will be able to expand their services, and high school football practices can go to full-contact. That last part is particularly important to me. I’ve been speaking with coaches all over the state, and they all tell me that their boys are just itching to hit someone. That’s the tough part about being governor. Sometimes, you’re in a position where all the scientists and doctors say one thing, and all the high school football coaches say the opposite. Walk a mile in my shoes, huh?

“We will be opening movie theaters, so everybody can go see that new Christopher Nolan movie. Tenant? Tencent? I don’t really follow that stuff. Time goes back and forth or something, and I think the hero’s a black guy. There will be some restrictions for now. Only half the seats can be sold for any showing, and you’re not allowed to share popcorn anymore. Everyone’s gotta buy their own concessions.

“Also opening up are bowling alleys, and I want all Floridians to know that they will be safe down at the lanes. When you rent your shoes, the guy’s gonna double-spray ’em. Nothing could survive that. If you frequent one of those fancy, family-friendly bowling establishments, then your tapas will be sanitized. If you prefer to roll at a shabbier location, then that guy who hangs out at the bar drinking Bud Lights and looking traumatized named Stinkfinger Lou will be sanitized.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR BEING HANDED A NOTE NOISE

“Stinkfinger Lou has died. Cause of death was…ah, he was murdered by Antifa. All of Florida mourns.

“Tattoo parlors will be free to operate, so anyone that’s been waiting to stamp their tramp is in luck. What else is gonna open? Skating rinks of the roller and ice varieties. Anything even vaguely golf-related. Gator-processing facilities. Shops that deal in Mah Jongg paraphernalia. Gentlemen’s establishments. Diners that burn down every two years like clockwork. That place on 441 where you run around a maze licking strangers. What’s that place called? Laser Tongue? I went there for birthday parties when I was a kid.

“Ice cream shops may begin handing out samples once more.

“Also some new rules for restaurants. We just gotta get folks into the dining rooms. Outdoor seating just doesn’t work for Florida. It’s too hot, too humid, and the invariable wave after wave of iguana attacks. For eight months a year, outside is a lethal hellscape. And plus the view is just gonna be of a strip mall parking lot. Al fresco sucks.

“But obviously we must be careful with how we reopen the restaurants. We’re limiting table capacity to four, but we will leave it up to individuals whether they want to push tables together. That’s called freedom, liberals. We also will be continuing a halt to the sale of communal alcoholic beverages such as the Scorpion Bowl, the Swamp Cooler, and the world-famous Key Large-O, which I think is almost two gallons of booze. They won’t sell it to fewer than eight people, I know that. And you might have to sign a waiver.

“Buffets will open, but we’re really gonna stress that people use the tongs. Please don’t just grab the crab legs with your hands. Or at least wash your hands first.

“Despite rumors to the contrary, Mickey’s, the restaurant outside Tampa where you choose, catch, slaughter, and prepare your own chicken, will not be reopening. Ever. And that’s not Covid-related, it’s general principle. I’m pro-business, but you’ve gotta draw a line somewhere.

“Other than that: Open! Dim, overpriced steakhouses where the waiters are all on pills? Open! Burger joint that makes you fetch your own Coke and still has the balls to charge $15 for lunch? Open! Bistro where performative homosexuals throw yogurt at rich ladies? Open! Wedgies, where you might get iceberg lettuce and you might get your underwear yanked into your asshole? Open! The Chinese place you don’t like, but it’s close? Open! The Chinese place that’s good, but it’s so far away? Open!

“So, uh, there you go. Let’s eat, drink, and be merry, Florida, and don’t forget to tip your waitstaff.”

POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR LEAVING THE ROOM, THEN COMING BACK NOISE

“My office will have an official statement on Stinkfinger Lou within the hour. Okay, enjoy the donuts.”