A Partial Transcript Of Melania Trump’s Statement, 5/7/18

“Is to say ‘Hello,’ even to faker news. So bad, faker news.

“We say to be best. How be best? Yes. Always make with never pills. With never bully. Can no bully! Is bad. Mommy’s little Barronichka, he get bully. Come home to cry. Wah wah wah, he cry. So sad. I am mother! What can do? Maybe take pills, but no take pills. Is no be best with drugs. Nancy Reagan say this! She such good fashion. Dead now.

“Bully say bad thing? Boom boom boom. Punch. This is what happen in Slovenia. Not in Slovenia no more. Am Lady Number One. Yay for me, for you, is good. No wall between America and Slovenia. Is very far.

“Is dress leather? Is cotton? No one know. Is best. Everyone know this. Is best dress. Last Lady Number One no good dress. Was monkey lady. I say right? ‘Monkey lady?’ Is no best! How can be best when only rapping and welfare? Is no best.

“Is drugs no take. Opensesames? Is right I say? Make so sleepy, shoot in arm, rob nice people. Is this best? No. Is no best. Ivanka maybe shoot drugs. I hear things. No know if true, but hear. No take drug. Learn European Handball. Is better. Get gold medal. No gold medal for drugs!

“Barbara Bush so sad. Not pretty, but still sad she died. Okay. America is good, but could be best. Is to say ‘Goodbye.”