“Some officials were urging that Mr. Trump hold events intended to show black voters enraged over the latest videotaped act of brutality that he heard their views. A group of advisers discussed plans for a series of “listening” events.” – New York Times, 5/31/20

“Are we doing the blacks now? Are we bringing them in here, or am I going to them? I don’t think I should go to them. The President of the United States shouldn’t go to blacks. That’s not right. Lincoln didn’t go to blacks.”

“We’re doing it in here, sir.”

“General?”

“He hasn’t worked here in, like, a year, sir. It’s me, Mike Pence.”

“You can’t be in here when I talk to the blacks. They hate abinos.”

“I’m not an albino, sir. Just pale.”

“Blacks and albinos are like cobras and mongooses. Natural enemies. You’ve never seen fights like this. Very vicious!”

“Yes, sir. Should we bring in the participants?”

“I thought we were getting blacks.”

“That’s who I was talking about.”

“When you hear ‘participant,’ you don’t think blacks. ‘Defendant.’ When you hear that, you think blacks. Not ‘participant.'”

“Yes, sir.”

“Bring in the blacks!”

GROUP OF AFRICAN-AMERICAN VOTERS WITH VARYING AGENDAS ENTERING THE OVAL OFFICE NOISE

“Oh, these are great blacks. Just looking at ’em. Just looking at ’em, I can tell. I can spot greatness in blacks! Bill Belichick has told me that on several occasions. He would send me tape of college kids, running backs, blacks, and I could spot talent better than most of his scouts. Maybe all. I can pick winners, and Coach always says what an eye for blacks I have. You, you a running back?”

“Me, Mr. President?”

“Bingo.”

“I am not a running back.”

“Linebacker?”

“No, sir.”

“Middleweight?”

“I am not a professional athlete of any sort, Mr. President. My name is–”

“Don’t tell me, lemme guess. No one, probably in the history of the world, has ever been as good at guessing black names as me. It’s a skill. It’s also a talent. It’s a talent, but it’s also a skill. Let’s just say both. But, yeah, guessing black names. Always came easily to me. Could’ve worked in any carnival in America.”

“Sir, please don’t guess–”

“J.J.”

“–guess my name. Nope.”

“Rog.”

“Please don’t say–”

“Rerun.”

“–Rerun. God, this is going how my whole family warned me it would go.”

“Do you know Tito Jackson?”

“I have not met the man.”

“Jermaine?”

“I’ve met no Jacksons at all, sir.”

“The father was rough, but he got results. Those kids were winners. Singing, dancing, the whole thing. Michael got weird. I knew him, very good friends but not so good. You know what I mean. I could tell you some Michael stories. Kooky guy, kooky guy. What do you play?”

“Sir?”

“What instrument do you play?”

“I am neither a professional athlete, nor a musician.”

“So you rap?”

MAN COUNTING TO TEN INSIDE HIS HEAD NOISE

“No, sir. I own a roofing company in Wilmington, Delaware, and I’m a part-time deacon at my church.”

“But you fit the rapping in.”

MAN COUNTING TO TWENTY INSIDE HIS HEAD NOISE

“Mr. President, we were invited here in the promise of a good-faith dialogue about the turmoil now sweeping the nation, and your administration’s response to it.”

“Excellent ratings on that! Some of the best, if not the best, that I’ve gotten, or maybe any President has ever gotten. Right after 9/11, Bush was up there, but about 90% of the country thinks I’m doing everything perfectly. About 90%, and from some polls that are very unfair and mean to me. But now they’re nice. Now, they’re nice. Which is nice. It’s nice to be nice.”

“I agree.”

“Joe Biden hates the blacks.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Except when he’s raping them. And some of those rapes are hate-rapes. That’s a thing that people are talking about more and more, Hate-Rapin’ Joe Biden.”

“Is that your new nickname for him?”

“I’m workshopping it. Pooky–”

“Holy shit, that is not my name.”

“–you want Burger King? I’m assuming you do. No better investment than a Burger King in Harlem. I think it’s the fries. You taste the fries and you say ‘Blacks would love these.’ Maybe it has to do with the salt. We can look into that. That would be interesting to look into. Maybe we’ll have Jared do that, too. What do you think?”

“About what?”

“Burger King. They have a chicken sandwich over there, best in the world. Wendy’s is good, but not like this. It’s long! Like a sub sandwich! But it’s from Burger King. Sometimes, I get the burger, the Whopper, they call it the Whopper. Usually I’m a Big Mac man, but sometimes I’ll go for the Whopper. Change it up. What are you getting?”

“I don’t want Burger King.”

“Don’t be ashamed to eat it in front of me.”

“It’s not that in the slightest.”

“I can understand not wanting to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of me. I know you people are sensitive about that, even though it’s ridiculous. The Colonel is for everyone.”

“Okay, this is not worth the $100.”