HAIL TO THE CHIEF NOISE

“Thank you, great, everybody, such a crowd, beautiful, thanks, wonderful. I just had the most spectacular meeting with so many business leaders and winners. We did it in one of the great, great rooms here at the White House, which I took a while to warm up to. I’m not gonna lie, because I never lie–I’m probably the most honest president in American history–but at first I wasn’t so impressed with the White House. The floors were not great. Not great floors! But we did something about that, and now everyone’s very happy. Very happy.

“The rice-farming, karate-kicking Chinese virus is on the run, and that’s due to the work of so many really, really smart people. And me. I mean, when you talk about really smart people, you have to be talking about me. Took a lot of brains to beat Hillary Clinton, which I did, and a lot of the country thanks me so beautifully for that, but others don’t and it’s a shame. It’s a real shame. I have had many, many doctors tell me that the Chinese virus would be much more deadly if Hillary Clinton was president. Probably a million dead already with her, and good dead. The people dying now are old or sick or poor or whatever, but if Crooked Hillary was president, then the people dying would be cops and soldiers and great businessmen.

“I have been in contact with all of the country’s governors, even the disgusting ones who should probably get the Chinese virus and might be stealing ventilators to sell to Prince Harry and that woman he never should have married. I warned him! I sent out some beautiful tweets about the subject, but he ignored me and now he’s suffering. Is he even a prince anymore? No one knows! Now I hear she’s trying to buy black market ventilators from the lady in Michigan, who is not nice.

“I have also been in contact with Guy Fieri and all of the 1986 Mets except Mookie, and they’ve given me such high marks in how I’ve dealt with this crisis, which is not really a crisis except that Democrats and the media want to scream and cry and try to blame me for everything. Guy Fieri, in particular, was so helpful and smart. He told me about this thing he had in Ashtbula, Ohio, called a waffleburger. They replace the buns with waffles! That’s how we’re gonna solve the China virus problem, with thinking like that. Regular burger, cheese, bacon, whatever, but waffles for the bread. Have you ever heard of anything like that?

“I would also like to announce that taking 50 or 60 Doan’s back pills at once cures the virus. I will now take questions. Ugh, you. Whoopi.”

“My name is Yamiche, Mr. President.”

“Not a great name. Not classy.”

“Mr. President, I’d like to ask you about your comment on Doan’s back pills.”

“I never said anything about Doan’s back pills.”

“You literally just said it.”

“You come here to this wonderful, historic Rose Garden, the most roses anyone’s ever seen, and you’re so vicious in your attacks when I’m doing such a perfect job for you. You’re against me. It’s in your blood. You were probably an Obama voter.”

“Sir–”

“You look like a Obama voter.”

“–where did the information about the back pills come from?”

“Where does any information come from? My brain. I know it because I heard it from great, great people who love America, and I thought about it, and it was right, and I do that a lot. No one is right more than I am.”

“Yes, sir, but we were discussing your comments about Doan’s back pills.”

“She’s got a knife!”

PBS REPORTER BEING TACKLED BY THE SECRET SERVICE NOISE

“Next question, next question. Let’s get a sweetheart. Who’s gonna be a sweetheart? You have no idea how hard I’ve been working, and other people, too, but mostly me, and I’m not getting the great questions that I feel I’ve earned. Where’s Jim Acosta?”

“Right here, Mr. President.”

“Jim? Where are you?”

“In front of you with my hand raised.”

“Jim?”

“Why are you looking in Dr. Fauci’s ear? I couldn’t be in there.”

…

“Where’s Jim?”

“I’ll just ask my question. Have you updated your opinion about opening the country up by Easter?”

“Jim Acosta also has a knife.”

JIM ACOSTA BEING TACKLED BY THE SECRET SERVICE NOISE

“Okay, that’s it, see you tomorrow, go America.”