“Thank you, thank you. This is not a great room, so that makes it okay for the press, because the press isn’t great, either. I just got off the phone with so many Senators. I probably talked to more Senators than any President in history, and it was like nothing. Nothing. I just did it. Incredible. I talked to Chuck Schumer, who I’ve known for a very long time, and used to be much nicer, but we had the most wonderful conversation. The Democrats want to make a deal, and I was so happy about that, because everyone wants a deal. I talked to Senator McConnell, too, but it wasn’t as much fun.

“The Chinese virus which came from China has come here from China. The Communist Chinese leaders lied about their virus, and maybe made it by accident, or maybe not by accident, you never know but I have a feeling. Seems like something they’d do. Us, we’re John Wayne. You remember John Wayne, great cowboy. So tall, strong. He’d walk right up to you like a man, but the Chinese do that ninja thing. They sneak up on you like a dog. And then they eat the dog.

“And they say I’m not supposed to say that! Everybody tells me that, but I gotta tell the truth. Jim Brown is a friend of mine. You know Jim Brown, running back, actor, one of the all-time greats, Jim Brown. Mr. President, don’t say the Chinese eat dogs. I know it’s true, but the terrible, vicious, lying media will just twist your words around and accuse you being racist. And he’s right! Jim Brown is right! Tremendous running back. Just exploded through the line, very brutal. A great black. He agrees with me about the Chinese.

“We’ll also be closing down the Southern border, because sometimes the Chinese virus is also the Mexican virus. You have to admit, it’s a very Mexican virus. Once you get a good look at it, you can see a certain Mexican-ness about it. I have a good eye for that sort of thing. I take a look, bim bam bop, I know if a disease is Mexican. And this one? Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit Mexican.

“Mike’s gonna talk now, and then I’ll take some questions, which I’m sure will be nasty and dumb. Mike?”

“Right here, sir.”

“Mike?”

“Do we have to do this bit every time?”

…

“Mike?”

“Mr. President, I’ll just begin praising you in the hopes of attracting your attention at some point during my homage. Your bold and zesty leadership has energized the country and the world. Small children and weak men burst into tears at your presence, overcome with emotion. Throughout this great nation, our citizens sleep peacefully and soundly knowing that your steady hand was on the wheel. You cast out the serpents of doubt like a modern St. Patrick. We are all moons, sir, and you the sun: ours is reflection, but yours is radiance. May I dance for you?”

“Later. Maybe later we’ll get to the dancing. Where’s Chad? Chad Wolf is doing the most beautiful job over at Homeland Security. He’s really working so hard and so well and getting so much done. Chad?”

“Mr. President, I want to kill for you. Empower me to do so! I see your enemies and they are foul creatures that the world would be better off without. Grant me just a sliver of your nigh-omnipotence and I shall slay these vermin. Let me teach them to love you.”

“So great. What a spectacular statement. Great work Chad. Alex Azar from Health & Human Services is here, and everyone will tell you that America’s got some of the healthiest humans anyone’s ever seen, so Alex must be doing a great job.”

“Thank you, President Trump. I’ve written an acrostic about you. T is for toughness, and you’re the toughest dude in the room no matter what room it is. R is for Rambo, who you remind everyone of. U is for unparalleled leadership. M is for Melania, the gorgeous and accomplished First Lady. P is for President, and that’s you because you beat Hillary.”

“That was very impressive. America’s gonna make it through this because of men like you, Alex. Although it was me who appointed you, so I should get a little bit of the credit. Okay, I’m gonna take questions. Yeah, Kaitlin.”

“Sir, you mentioned your call with Senator Schumer. He says you’ve agreed to invoke the Defense Production Act. Is that what you’re doing?’

“We love that, the Defense Act. It’s a huge, huge act that gives the President an unbelievable set of powers. Mind-boggling. You look at it and it’s like, Whoa. And I’m not a guy who says ‘Whoa’ a lot. Very rarely, as a matter of fact. Maybe it’s because I don’t ride horses. You know: giddyup, whoa, all that horse crap.”

“How are you using the DPA, sir?”

“We’re using for the masks. The states are having such a hard time getting the masks, but I had such a perfect meeting with all the Governors the other day, maybe yesterday. Yesterday or the day before. We did it on the video. Usually, they would come to Washington, but we had to do a video because of the Hong Kong Fluey. I forgot to tell you: We’re calling it ‘Hong Kong Fluey’ now.”

“I’m not calling it that.”

“You’re a disgrace. Next question. Steve?”

“Mr. President, yesterday you mentioned hydroxychloroquine as a possible prophylaxis against Covid-19.”

“High.”

FINGER JAB NOISE

“Droxy.”

FINGER JAB NOISE

“Chloro.”

FINGER JAB NOISE

“Quine.”

FINGER JAB NOISE

FINGER JAB NOISE

“It’s some of the most powerful stuff out there. They used to use it for malaria, but it works for this, too. And it’s a miracle drug that’s just sitting there. It’s like mother’s milk. That’s what so many doctors, top ones, they all say to me. A lot depends of the prescription. Sometimes it’s not so much the drug as it is the prescription, and we have the FDA working on that. It’s a very strong drug.”

“Dr. Fauci, may I ask you if you agree with President Trump?”

“There is no evidence to suggest that hydroxychloroquine is an effective treatment for Covid-19.”

“But I’m a fan. I’m just really a big fan, and I have a feeling about this drug. It must be great: how many people do you know with malaria? My plan is that we’re gonna give it out, maybe not to everyone, but enough. Enough people will get it and, of course, the weather’s getting warmer, and that’s gonna wipe out maybe 80% of the virus. Some people are saying 90%, but let’s for now say 80%. Next question. Peter?”

“Mr. President, what do you say to Americans out there who are scared?”

“I would say to them that you’re a creep. Hey, you scared? Peter’s a giant creep. The guy really sucks. That’s what I’d tell them.”

“That’s unnecessary.”

“No one has ever managed a pandemic as well as me. I was using that term way before anyone else, too. No one said ‘pandemic’ until I said it. Maybe I invented the word? I don’t know, I don’t know. A lot of people are saying I invented the word ‘pandemic.'”

“You did not invent the word ‘pandemic,’ Mr. President.”

“I want Peter infected. Get the Secret Service, have them find a sicky, and rub him on Peter.”

“Really, sir?”

EXEUNT