A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Visit To Hurricane-Ravaged North Carolina, 9/19/18

“Where’s my General?”

“We’re starting with this shit already?”

“General Kelly? Where’s my General?”

“In front of you, Mr. President.”

“General?”

“I’m 18 inches to your 12 o’clock, sir. We are facing one another and making eye contact.”

…

“Where’s my General?”

“Jesus tapdancing Christ.”

“There you are. I was looking at all the devastation, which is so very devastated. This is probably–and you won’t hear this in the lying media–the most devastated an area has ever been, ever. And that’s exciting. Because now is building, and that’s where all the action is. These folks are gonna come out this ahead, maybe the best thing that could have happened to them. Much better than those Katrina people.”

“Sir, we should meet some residents.”

“George Bush knew about Katrina. He knew beforehand. Did nothing. One of the worst Presidents we’ve ever had. Wife killed somebody, too. Did you know that? True story, believe me. She said it was an accident, but many people have told me that it was a premeditated thing. Revenge. Whole family is no good. Daughters are pigs. Not a great family.”

“Sir, this is Burl Noggle. He owns the home behind me.”

“Hello, Mr. President. Thank you for coming down to visit with us. Your presence is a source of strength.”

“Everyone says that. Since I’m in kindergarten, and I did very, very well in kindergarten, probably the best kindergartener of all time. I knew my left from my right, I could take naps, snack time, everything. Great at it, and people always said, “Mr. Trump, you bring strength with you.” And that’s true, I do. I do. Is that your boat?”

“The one in my yard?”

“She’s a beauty. I once owned the largest yacht in the world. The Trump Princess. Smooth through the waves. Made such a profit when I sold it, huge profit, but I miss it. Girls really liked it. I mean, they liked me, but they also liked the yacht. Lots of fun onboard. Is that your boat?”

“No, sir. The 28-footer upside down and divotted into my front lawn is not my boat. I would expect that the storm set it here.”

“Well, it’s your boat now.”

“Is it?”

“Maritime law. That’s your boat now, congratulations. Mine was much, much bigger, but you have a boat now.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“That’s how people got boats in the old days. You waited for a storm and then you got a boat. Everyone was doing it.”

“What?”

“General, let’s see some more of devastation. I think there’s some over there.

A FUCKFACE AND A MAN PHONING IT IN WALKING ACROSS THE STREET NOISE

“This house doesn’t have a roof. Gotta have a roof. One of the most important parts of a building. Walls. Floor. Gotta have those, but you need a roof. Especially if you live somewhere there’s hurricanes. What kind of shithole is this where people don’t have roofs?”

“I think the storm pulled the roof off, sir.”

“Maybe. And the Democrats are gonna say I did that. No, I think this house hasn’t had a roof on it since Obama. He did so many things wrong, just the worst president, and maybe Obama-era roof-killing regulations did that.”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“I do. No roof. I’ve always had this opinion, all my life. Bring me a kid. Make sure the cameras are on and bring me a kid.”

KID-BRINGING NOISE

“Hello, Mr. President. My name is Tommy and when the storm came I was very scared.”

“Well, you know, don’t be such a little fag.”

“What?”

“No more kid. Take the kid away.”

KID-TAKING-AWAY NOISE

“General, that was a bad kid. Very weak kid.”

“Sorry, sir. We should have vetted the child more.”

“That guy gets a boat, and I get a weak kid. This is one of the greatest disasters that has ever happened, possibly ever.”

“Yes, sir. There’s an Arby’s three miles from here that’s open.”

“Let’s go view the devastation.”

“Yes, sir.”