“Good afternoon, and welcome to Katy Tur Live. On today’s show, I’ll talk to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, and complain about Phish’s summer tour schedule. First is the Secretary of State. Secretary Pompeo, thanks for coming on MSNBC.”

“Hi, Katy. I thought I was on NPR today.”

“You were, but the idiot who writes this has a crush on me.”

“Understandable. You’re hot enough to be on Fox.”

“Thank you.”

“God, I wanna wash your hair.”

“Inappropriate.”

“Not in the shower. A salon-type setting. With the sink and the chair that leans back. I got strong fingers, Katy. I’d get a good lather going.”

“I’m moving forward. Secretary Pompeo, what is the plan in regards to Iran? Is there any serious thought about reopening diplomatic channels?”

“Every thought President Trump has is serious, Katy. Even his jokes. He’ll tell one and then later on you’ll think, ‘Wow. There was a lot of truth and heart in there.’ For example, any time someone brings up Puerto Rico, he’ll say, ‘They steal hubcaps, those people.’ And we all laugh, but there’s some real food for thought in there.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I answered a question.”

“Diplomatic entreaties to Iran, sir. Have any been made?”

“We’re building a coalition to deal with the Iranians, Katy. We have Israel on board, and the Saudis. Imagine how evil a regime has to be to get those two countries to team up against you. And Britain. They’re with us all the way. Apparently, they’re gonna have a whole lot more unemployed young men soon, and a good war would be perfect for them right now. They’re champing at the bit.”

“Secretary–”

“Chomping? Chomping at the bit?”

“Secretary–”

“I can never remember which one is right. Anyway: the Brits are in favor of nuking Tehran.”

“Is that on the table?”

“It’s not not on the table. Maaaaaaybe Tehran gets nuked, and maaaaaaaybe it doesn’t. America operates from a position of strength. Lemme wash your hair, Katy.”

“No.”

“I’ll nuke you.”

“Stop it. Secretary Pompeo, since the President pulled the United States out of the nuclear deal, Iran is actually closer than ever to achieving their nuclear ambitions. They have more centrifuges. They have built more facilities. They have stockpiled more uranium.”

“Says who?”

“Independent verification.”

“Well, there you go. The Trump Doctrine does not include verification. Remember how Reagan said Trust, but verify? We just do the trust part. And we trust that Iran is full of demons and creepshows and ladies with blankets where their faces should be.”

“Right, but–”

“Katy, Iran has been warned by President Trump to behave themselves, and that’s what they’ll do. The Iran deal wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. I mean, it was signed by a black guy! If it was an NBA contract, then we’d be good, but not a nuclear pact.”

“–my God.”

“Iran won’t develop nukes.”

“Right. That’s your goal, but what is the strategy?”

“Not letting them.”

“How?”

“Strongly!”

“Let’s change the subject. Do you feel you owe Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch an apology?”

“FUCK YOU, CUNT!”

“Whoa.”

“I owe that split-tail nothing! NOTHING! No one treats their team better than Magic Mike!”

“Magic Mike?”

“I CALL MYSELF MAGIC MIKE!”

“Okay.”

“Why would I owe anyone an apology? I didn’t apologize when I ran my wife over with the Suburban, so I’ll be damned if I apologize to Weird Al Yankovic or whoever.”

“You ran your wife over?”

“She’s a darter. She’s here, then BAM she’s there. Quick woman. Plus, she was wearing black and we just had the driveway resurfaced.”

“Back to Marie Yovanovitch.”

“FUCK HER!”

“Secretary Pompeo–”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished in Ukraine. We’ve made huge strides in wiping out the corruption so endemic to that nation. Obama didn’t care about it. Obama sent Hunter Biden. We sent Rudy Giuliani. Case closed.”

“–a senior State official recently testified that he resigned over your unwillingness to defend Ambassador Yovanovitch against Mr. Giuliani and his associates, all of whom are now facing federal criminal charges.”

“That didn’t happen.”

“Yes, sir. Your advisor Michael McKinley testified to the fact before Congress.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“Why are you waving your hand at me? Are you trying to Jedi Mind Trick me, Secretary?”

“No one resigned from anywhere.”

“Knock that off.”

“Katy, the simple fact is that no one gives a damn about Ukraine. You’ve never been there–”

“I have.”

“–I’ve never been there–”

“You absolutely have.”

“–so maybe Ukraine isn’t really a place? Maybe the real Ukraine was the friends we made along the way?”

“Ukraine is a place. It is real. It is a country. 40 million people live there.”

“Oh, you’re an expert now? You’re, like, the Ken Jennings of knowing that Ukraine exists?”

“What?”

“If you’re so smart, then point out Ukraine. Here, here’s an unlabeled map. I want you to point it out.”

PAPER BEING PRODUCED NOISE

“Secretary Pompeo, that is a photograph of the Jonas Brothers.”

…

“So it is. Fine. Point to the Ukrainiest Jonas. In every group dynamic, someone’s the Ukraine. Which Jonas is Ukraine, Katy? Is it Nick? Is it Joe? Is it the other one? Choose correctly, or you have no credibility in international diplomacy.”

“Sir, this is beneath both of us.”

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO MY PENIS THAT WAY, WHORE?”

“We’re gonna take a break.”