“Good evening, Iowa, and welcome to the first major Presidential forum devoted to LGBTQ issues. Our sponsors tonight are the Cedar Rapids Gazette, GLAAD, and Season Nine of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars, available on DVD October 7th. I am your host, Lyz Lenz.”
WHITE PEOPLE APPLAUDING PROGRESSIVELY NOISE
“The first candidate we’ll be speaking to is the former Vice-President, Joe Biden.”
“Heya, Lez.”
“Lyz.”
“Good for you, honey.”
“Mr. Vice-President, some have–”
“Lemme interrupt you right there, sugar. No one has ever been a better friend to the homosexual, or lady homosexual, or whatever the other letters stand for, than Joe Biden. I considered it, actually. Back in college. Almost went sweet, but then my friend Corn Pop talked me out of it. He said I’d lose respect in the black community. The blacks are not big fans of the gays, at least they weren’t back then. Maybe things have changed.”
“May I continue?”
“Sure. You’re doing a great job.”
“Sir, your record on gay rights is a bit back-and-forth. As a Senator, you voted for the Defense of Marriage Act which defined marriage as being between a man and a woman.”
“Hey, that was 1996. In 1996, it was still illegal for men to wear capri pants.”
“Not true.”
“The times have changed, and so have I, even though I’ve always been supportive of the LMNOP community and don’t need to change.”
“What?”
“I got another story for you. 1954. Me and my dad were in downtown Wilmington. We used to head into town every week to press our faces up against the window of Hirsch’s Appliances and watch I Love Lucy. One night–I think it was the episode where Lucy and Ethel work at the chocolate factory–we see two fellas on the sidewalk going at it. They’re going at it hard, being incredibly homosexual, you know what I mean, and I ask my dad Pop, what’s going on? And he told me all about it. Topping, and bottoming, and all that. My dad really taught me about life.”
“Can we get back to the Defense of Marriage Act vote?”
“Why are we talking about that when we could be talking about when I beat President Obama to the punch on gay marriage? I’d like to bash the former President for a while.”
“For God’s sake why?”
“No idea! Every single one of my advisors tells me not to do it! But I keep on talking trash about the man. World’s a wild place, sweetheart.”
“Mr. Vice-President–”
“You should smile more.”
“–the current Vice-President, Mike Pence, signed a bill when he was Governor of Indiana outlawing gay marriage, and has consistently taken positions detrimental to the LGTBQ community, yet you recently referred to his as a ‘decent guy.'”
POLITE YET FIRM BOOING NOISE
“Well, what should I have called him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe not ‘a decent guy.'”
“Listen, little lady: Joe Biden was brought up right by Big Joe Biden. I don’t go sniping people behind their backs, unless it’s President Obama. Christ, he killed a lot of foreigners. In my office, we called him the Drone Ranger.”
“That’s great, Mr. Vice-President. We are out of time and I’m going to move on to our next participant.”
JOE BIDEN WINKING NOISE
“We now come to the senior Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren. Senator, thank you for coming.”
“Thank you, Lyz. I would like to open my remarks tonight with a reminder that 18 transgender women of color have been murdered this year alone, and in their honor I will now sing Bette Midler’s The Rose.’
LIZ WARREN SINGING THE ROSE NOISE
“Beat that, bitches. I’ll be out back taking selfies.”
MIC DROPPING NOISE
“Wow, that’s gonna be a tough act to follow. I simply don’t know how anyone, anyone at all, could be a stronger ally to the LGBTQ community than that woman. Our next candidate is Mayor Pete Buttigieg.”
“Hi.”
“Mayor Pete, you are the only homosexual in the race–
CORY BOOKER NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE NOISE
“–but some have accused you of not being gay enough. How do you answer that?”
“I have no idea how to answer that. I came out in college. I am married to another dude. I was in the Navy, for Christ’s sake. I literally couldn’t get any gayer.”
“And what do you say to the people who claim you’re too gay?”
“I also do not know how to answer that.”
“Finally, there is a contingent of voters that think your level of gayness is just right. Any words for them?”
“Thank you?”
“LYZ! LYZ! STOP OPPRESSING MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH!”
“Stop yelling, Andrew Yang! You’ll have your turn.”
“Lyz, I will give $500 to anyone in this audience who has an egg on them.”
“Stop that!”
“$700 if it’s a gay egg.”
“Stop it! My questions are now for the writer, spiritualist, and living meme Marianne Williamson. Hello, Ms. Williamson.”
“Namaste.”
“You have been quoted as saying that AIDS could be cured using the power of positive thinking.”
“Lyz, that’s just not true. It’s a vicious smear from the left, or the right, or whoever cares enough to oppose me. Quite frankly, my team doesn’t have that kind of information. Maybe it’s the Archons of Abbadon. But I never said any such thing.”
“No?”
“No, I said reiki could cure AIDS.”
“Is that any different?”
“Oh, sure. You need to take a class to do reiki. It’s a whole science. I also believe that doing hot yoga can keep you from getting HIV in the first place.”
“That is not backed up by any science.”
“Lyz, let’s settle this on the astral plane. Project your aura up there. We’ll wrestle.”
“I think we’re gonna take a short break.”
“Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!”
“Oh, knock it off.”
That Navy comment is comedy gold