“Good evening, America, and welcome back to the 197th in an infinite series of Democratic Debates. My name is Lester Holt, and your mom probably has a crush on me. Tonight, we are in Las Vegas, Nevada on the cusp of the nation’s third primary. Andrew Yang has dropped out, but we do have a new face behind the podium, former Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg.”
“Lester, I’ll give you half-a-million dollars to make everyone else’s questions harder.”
“Stop that. I do want to add that we apologize for the late start. The DNC gave all the candidates the wrong address. Tough to overstate how incompetent the national Democrats are, folks. Anyway, let’s start off with Senator Bernie Sanders.”
“I marched for your people, Lester.”
“You’ve mentioned it before. Senator, you are 80 years old and recently had a heart attack. Will you be providing the public with any more details about your health?”
“Health is good. Listen, listen, don’t worry about my heart. Very solid in there. No crust, no gunk, real strong. The people don’t need to see any of my medical records. What the people need is to join a worker’s collective.”
“Yes, but you can understand why there are concerns about your health?”
“I have to say that this line of questioning is racist.”
“What now?”
“Like when everyone noodged Obama about his birth certificate. This is just like that. Asking to see any sort of documentation is racist.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“Lester, I wanna talk about Medicare For All.”
“Fine. How are you going to pay for it?”
“Except that part. I wanna talk about all the aspects of Medicare For All except that part. Did you know that, with my plan, all illegal immigrants receive free root canals?”
“Really?”
“Yes. Trump wants to build a wall, I want to give out dental bridges.”
“Interesting. We now go to the Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren.”
“Lester, let me interrupt you to say that Mike Bloomberg is the fucking devil. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it. Me and my staff, we whipped up a dozen clever lines about what a sleazy, greedy, racist, autocratic putz he is, but I’m calling an audible and just saying it plainly. He’s the motherfucking devil.”
“Okay.”
“THE DEVIL!”
“You all right, Senator Warren?”
“I’ve lost whatever sense of humor I had coming into this. I don’t mind losing to a commie, but not to Wall Street Smurf.”
“Understood. Next question is for Pete Buttigieg, mayor of South Bend, Illinois.”
“Indiana, Lester.”
“Same shit, different highway. Mayor Pete, all the other candidates in the race support some variation of universal health care, whereas you keep using the phrase Medicare for those who want it. What is the difference?”
“Mine sounds much better. You have to admit that.”
“I don’t. Would your plan eliminate private health insurance?”
“Oh, God, no. Think of the jobs. People’s health is one thing, but it’s not as important as the economy’s health.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What Senator Sanders and Warren is proposing would basically set America on fire. Y’know what? Not ‘basically.’ Literally. Remember what happened to Australia last month? That. The whole country would literally be on fire if socialists are allowed to interfere with an insurance company’s right to insert itself in between you and your doctor.”
“I don’t know if that’s a right.”
“Which one of us was a Rhodes Scholar?”
“You.”
“There ya go. Also, I heard that Bernie Sanders is only staying alive via transfusions of intern blood.”
“This is not true! This is not a true statement! I do not require such procedures!”
“Pete! Bernie! Knock it off! I am now going to speak with the Senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar. Amy, you’re still here.”
“I resent your tone, Lester.”
“It’s just sweet how you’re not letting your lack of charisma hold you back.”
“Every time you say a mean thing, I beat another staff member tonight. So that’s all on your head, Les.”
“Senator, who is the President of Mexico?”
“No clue.”
“How about the Prime Minister of Canada?”
“The hunky dumb one.”
“What about Italy?”
“God only knows who’s in charge over there.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that one. Would you like to tell Mike Bloomberg to go fuck himself?”
“I would.”
“Go ahead.”
“Go fuck yourself, Mike.”
“Great. Mayor Bloomberg, hello.”
“Hello, Lester. Have you been frisked?”
“No.”
“I’d prefer if you were. Just for my own safety.”
“Absolutely not.”
“I’ll give you a million dollars to let Biden frisk you.”
“Oh, wow. I totally forgot Joe Biden was here.”
…
“Has he fallen asleep?”
“Apparently. Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve come into the race recently and been spending a lot of money.”
“I have so much.”
“Yes. Will you release your tax returns?”
“Oh, they’re boring. No one wants to see them.”
“I believe they do.”
“Nah. What people want is for Robert Downey, Jr. to play Iron Man again. Elect me president, and I’ll pay Robert Downey, Jr. to come back as Iron Man.”
“He’s aged out of the role..”
“Nah, they’ll shmear the computer stuff on his face like in the Scorsese movie. And I’ll have him fight Batman.”
“Those are two entirely different companies, Mayor.”
“I’ll buy them both. They’ll fight.”
“Lester! Lester!”
“Yes, Senator Warren?”
“He’s THE FUCKING DEVIL.”
“You’ve mentioned.”
“Lester, I want to conclude my statement.”
“Go ahead, Mayor Bloomberg.”
“I will give every American citizen $100 to vote for me. In cash. Straight cash, homie, as your people say. I could do it and still have $20 billion left over.”
…
“Oh, God, you actually could.”
“BECAUSE HE’S THE FUCKING DEVIL!”
“Settle down, Liz! We’re going to a commercial. Someone wake up Biden.”
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