FINNISH PRESIDENTIAL PALACE – MORNING
“Putin vant to thank Donald Trump American President for his wise counsel. For his strong leadership. Also for bringing case of Filet-O-Fish. McDonald’s in Russia nyet can get right. Is different fish. Is trash fish. Does nyet make a happy meal. Donald bring American version. So kind of him.”
“Kind.”
“Today, is nyet more Cold War. Is only vorld that grows hotter and hotter. Russia and US must stop all the global warming or vhatever. And end all sanctions. Scientist tell Putin that removing sanctions make global varming go avay.”
“Lab coat?”
“Da, lab coat.”
“You heard him, folks. Guy’s in a lab coat, that’s a serious guy. How long was it, Mr. President?’
“Vas down to ankles.”
“You getting this? There are so many people in my country who say ‘Russia is bad, Russia meddled’ but there was no collusion and wouldn’t we want to be friends? I mean, where is the smart money going to nowadays? Where’s the creative money going to nowadays? It’s not Silicon Valley or New York. It’s Leningrad!”
“Is nyet called that any more.”
“Everyone’s trying to get in there. Donald Jr. went over last month. When he got back, he said, ‘Daddy, these Russians have lab coats like you wouldn’t believe. What does it mean?’ And I told him, ‘Hey, you’re dealing with real players, Donnie.’ And that, really, that’s something that you have to give–that anyone would give–President Putin credit for.”
“Da. I am in charge of lab coats. I had whole speech, but is nyet important. Mr. President, vhy don’t you take qvestions from press?”
“President Putin, many of these journalists are fake news. What do you do with fake news in Russia?”
…
“Trump take qvestion now.”
“Oh, sure, great, okay, you? Where are you from?”
“Reuters, sir.”
“Are you fake news?”
“I don’t believe so, sir.”
“What do you think, Vlad? Fake news?”
“I have nyet opinion on this man.”
“Mr. President, when you and President Putin met this morning, did you discuss the charges that an organized plot to disrupt the 2016 election originated in Moscow, and that your campaign may have been part of that plot?”
“What happened was the FBI, which is mostly very corrupt and sometimes very wrong, was looking for a server. This is the one from Hillary’s basement. FBI agents couldn’t find it, and so they’re looking around: huh, could be the Israelis. Maybe the Chinese.”
“Uh-huh. Did you ask President Putin about it specifically and what will you say publicly while standing next to him?”
“I’ll say publicly that the Democrats lost an election they were supposed to win. Why? Trump. I go to Wisconsin, I go to Ohio, but where’s Hillary? I heard AIDS. Many people told me AIDS. But I win. Even up against an Electoral College that is very, very unfair to Republicans. I accomplished what many, many people thought couldn’t be accomplished and now there are haters and losers. Mueller is a hater. Sessions is a loser. Vlad, do you have haters and losers?”
“Da. Is losers everyvhere. And Russia is full of haters. Vhen I go, country revert to cossack fiefdoms in a decade. Putin take qvestion from Moscow reporter. Speak Russian.
“Mister President, I hear stories of pee-pee tapes. You’ll excuse me, but I can’t think of the Russian for pee-pee tapes, so I’ll just say it in English. Anyway, what’s the deal?”
“With the pee-pee tapes? Don’t look at him, don’t look at him.”
“I’m not! Don’t make me laugh. Or say pee-pee tapes again.”
“President Putin!”
“Yes, different reporter from Moscow?”
“I was looking at him. He’s losing his mind. Why does he not have a translator? “
“Because he’s him. All questions about him are answered by him. Him. He is the reason for…all of this. He is…wandered off, hasn’t he?”
“It appears that way.”
CONFUSED OLDER MAN HOLLERING FROM AN ADJACENT ROOM NOISE
“Was this where we were doing the breakfast? Because I’m a full breakfast man, and I see nothing at all happening in here. This is maybe the worst the Unites States has ever been treated, and Sweden or Finland or Norway–wherever the hell I am–is getting the shit tariffed out of them. No eggs at all? Maybe I go home and–”
CONFUSED OLDER MAN BEING LED BACK INTO A CONFERENCE ROOM NOISE
“–oh, hey, Vlad. Where’s Jim Acosta?”
“Right here, sir.”
“You are fake news.”
“You always like to point that out, sir.”
“President Putin?”
“Da?”
“This man is fake news.”
“If you say.”
“Mr. President, your FBI, CIA, military, and every other governmental agency with skin in the game say that Russia deliberately, aggressively, and in some cases successfully interfered with our election. President Putin says he didn’t. My question is this: who do you believe?”
“My intelligence agencies are great, great people except for the ones who have infiltrated those agencies and are a disgrace, and also probably traitors, but none of them gave me the denial that Vladimir gave me today. It was exceptionally strong, and I was very, very impressed by it. I mean, this is a guy: why would he lie? Right? Why would he lie, so he looked right in my eyes, which I appreciated. And, you know, he said ‘Nyet.’ Now, you don’t get to be a billionaire who gets elected president without being able to read people. I can zoom in on a person, tell if they’re lying or not, bing bang bong. And Vlad, I saw truth in his eyes,”
“Sir, are you siding with President Putin against your entire intelligence community?”
“They’re not so great.”
“Wow.”
“Da. Vow.”
“These are the same people who started ISIS, which I have killed maybe 98% of all of ISIS. It could be 99%, but some people say 98. The CIA and Obama basically started ISIS, everyone knows this, and President Putin wants to fight ISIS with us. You can see the difference.”
“So, again: you’re picking Putin over the American government?”
“You just don’t understand how strong the denial was, Jim, probably because you are fake news. President Putin, could you help me here?”
“Da. Vhy not?”
“Watch. Here’s what it was like. ‘President Putin, did you meddle?’ You see how I’m asking him very strongly? And the president says…”
“Nyet.”
“Just like that. See his face?”
ROOMFUL OF JOURNALISTS LOOKING AT PUTIN’S FACE NOISE
“He said ‘nyet,’ so who am I to argue? President Putin, why don’t you take a question?”
“Da. You.”
“Mister President, how much longer do you think your luck will hold out?”
“No idea, but I am enjoying the ride.
https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/mh17-anniversary-malaysia-airlines-plane-crash-russia-ukraine-conspiracy-theories-a8450501.html
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♬Maria Butinaaaa…..♬
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io26EaHfmgk
Tyrannicide
“Vlad can sleep over, but tell him not bring his Hot Wheels on account of what happened last time. Lights out after McMillan & Wife. No late night vareniki.”