A Secondhand Primer For Deadwood: The Movie

I’ll be suiciding on the evening of the 31st, Enthusiasts. Besides the fact that I’m moving Fillmore South the next morning, the last day of May will see the premiere of Deadwood: The Movie, and what is there to live for after that? Up until now, there has existed the possibility of more Deadwood, but when June rolls around, I will know that there is no more Deadwood to come for ever and ever, and that is a world that can go on without me.

You’re gonna miss me.

Until then, however, I shall be binging (for the ninth or tenth time) the greatest teevee series ever produced, and invite you to join me. To speed up the hoopleheaded cocksuckers amongst you who have not watched the program, I will now steal all the questions from Alan Sepinwall’s “Everything  You Need To Know About Deadwood: The Movie” article in Rolling Stone, and answer them in my own inimitable way.

So what’s Deadwood, anyway?

I told you already: it’s the greatest teevee series ever produced. Are you going to be slow? If you’re going to be slow, then I’ll push you off a cliff and steal your gold claim.

Stop that.

Fine. Deadwood is a western in which finely-costumed players bellow soliloquies at one another. There is also period-authentic racism, and Brian Cox doing his best Albert Finney imitation.

Why is everyone so excited about this reunion movie?

GODDAMMIT, I WARNED YOU.

Hey!

Well, these questions are absurd! Asking why people are excited about the return of Deadwood is like asking why people are excited for the return of Jesus. I can’t dignify this query with a response. Alan Sepinwall, you are fake news.

Can I watch the movie without having ever seen the show?

You can do whatever you want to until the cops open fire. But watching Deadwood: The Movie without having seen the show is like viewing Avengers: Endgame with virgin eyes: nothing’s gonna make sense, and you’re not gonna know who any of the white people on the screen are. An unresearched viewing of this film will leave you with far more questions than answers, among them:

• Why is everyone talking like that?
• That’s not how they actually talked back then, is it?
• If this is a western, then where are the cowboys and Indians?
• What the fuck is “unauthorized cinnamon?”

Do I need to rewatch the entire series before watching the movie?

Yes, and stop acting put-upon. See it as an opportunity to rewatch the series, not a “need.” What else were you gonna watch? The 45th season of Grey’s Anatomy? The show with the tits and the dragons? Reruns of Mel’s Diner? Fuck that noise, man: go back to the Black Hills and try your luck at the faro table.

If I had time for only a few episodes, which should they be?

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN REWATCHING DEADWOOD? Your family? They’re parasites, and you know it. Career? It’s a sham; you know you’re a fraud. Basic hygiene? Only nerds wash their assholes. Priorities, people. Go rewatch Deadwood.

If I have no time at all, can you remind me where things ended?

I won’t cosign your bullshit, jack. Cop a walk.

How excited should I be for the movie?

Less excited than you were for your first child, but more than for your second.

Do you have more to say about the movie?

I’m so psyched I’m gonna jizz my face off.

We’re done here. This ends now.

You’re probably right.