EGYPT – A LONG TIME AGO

“MOSES.”

…

“MOSES.”

…

“MOSES.”

“What!? What? God? Is that You?”

“I AM THAT I AM.”

Shit, what time is it?”

“MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.”

“Dude, I got kids.”

“IT’S IMPORTANT. GOTTA RAP WITH YA.”

“In the morning. I’m exhausted. Building pyramids is unbelievably hard work.”

“THAT’S WHY I CALLED. HOW’S THAT GOING?”

“Could be better. Y’know the stones that we build the pyramids out of?”

“YES.”

“Incredibly heavy. And it’s Egypt, so it’s really hot. And there’s no lunch trucks. I mean, you’d figure there would be lunch trucks. It’s a construction site! How do you have a construction site without lunch trucks?”

“YOUR WORK IS NOT FULFILLING.”

“No. First of all, the physical stuff I just mentioned. Second: all of this is idolatry and blasphemy. You don’t have a dog’s head, do you?”

“NOT USUALLY.”

“Right. Blasphemy. And third: the slave thing. A shitty job is bad, but a shitty job you can’t quit is so much worse. Morale is poor, at best. Quite a bit of complaining.”

“MORE THAN USUAL?”

“Much, much more than usual. If it was just the normal hocking and kvetching, then I wouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“THIS IS MY FAULT. I DID NOT REALIZE HOW DIFFICULT BUILDING PYRAMIDS WAS. IN MY DEFENSE, MAKING MOUNTAINS WAS A PIECE OF CAKE. I KNOCKED OFF THE HIMALAYAS IN TEN MINUTES.”

“Well, you’re The Lord and we’re just humans.”

“MY FAVORITE HUMANS!”

“Oh, not this again.”

“BIG FAN OF THE JEWS!”

“Yes, I’ve heard this. Haven’t seen any proof of Your love, but You say it all the time. You’re like one of those guys who tells the waiter what a great job he’s doing, and then doesn’t tip. Put Your money where Your mouth is.”

“SLOW YOUR ROLL, ACE.”

“Forgive me, My Lord.”

“NOT THE TONE YOU WANT TO BE TAKING WITH ME.”

“Again, My Lord, I beg Your grace.”

“I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE UPSET, BUT IF YOU GROWL AT ME AGAIN, I’M GONNA CHUCK YOU INTO THE HEART OF A STAR.”

“You can do that?”

“PROBABLY. NEVER TRIED BEFORE, BUT I DON’T SEE WHY NOT. THAT’S WHAT THE ‘OMNI’ IN OMNIPOTENT MEANS.”

“You are an awesome God.”

“I’M NOT SHABBY. LISTEN, MOMO–”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“–I’M GONNA MAKE THIS RIGHT. AND I WILL SEE THAT IT IS RIGHT, AND I WILL SAY THAT IT IS RIGHT, AND IT WILL BE RIGHT.”

“Okay. How?”

“THROUGH PRANKS.”

“What now?”

“I’M GONNA MESS WITH PHARAOH’S HEAD. I’LL TURN THE NILE INTO BLOOD OR SOMETHING. OOH, MAYBE I’LL DROP A LOAD OF FROGS ON HIM.”

“Why frogs?”

“I GOT TOO MANY. LONG STORY SHORT: SAINT MICHAEL IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO THE PURCHASING. AS THE ANGEL OF DEATH, HE’S TOPS, BUT THE MAN HAS NO HEAD FOR INVENTORY.”

“Each of us has his own talent. So…frogs and water illusions?”

“YUP. AND IF I THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE. HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.”

“Anything for You.”

“DAB A LITTLE PAINT ABOVE EVERY JEW’S FRONT DOOR.”

“Paint hasn’t been invented yet.”

“RIGHT. SORRY. I SEE ALL OF OF EXISTENCE AT ONCE. SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT GOES WHEN. GOT ANY LAMB’S BLOOD?”

“Do I got lamb’s blood? I got lamb’s blood like You got frogs.”

“PERFECT. USE THE BLOOD.”

“Little schmear above the door?”

“LITTLE SCHMEAR ABOVE THE DOOR.”

“Consider it done.”

…

TEN DAYS LATER

“MO! WHAT DID YOU THINK?”

“That was something. That was definitely something. I have a question. Or maybe two or three.”

“SHOOT.”

“Well, I liked the way You escalated. From the frogs to the lice to the locusts. Escalating misery. You really put a lot of thought into it. That was evident.”

“I HAD THE TOUGHEST TIME DECIDING WHETHER IT SHOULD BE LICE THEN LOCUSTS, OR LOCUSTS THEN LICE.”

“You made the right decision. Excellent series of catastrophes. And the skin ailments! Great call on the skin ailments.”

“THAT ONE MADE ME LAUGH. THAT ONE WAS JUST FOR ME.”

“It played. It totally played. And the three days of darkness! Wowee! That freaked the Egyptians right out.”

“IT’S A SUN-BASED THEOLOGY.”

“Right. You really got in Pharaoh’s heads with that one. Knocked it out of the park. My main concern was the tenth plague.”

“THE FIRSTBORNS?”

“Yeah. Lord?”

“YUH-HUH?”

“Permission to speak freely?”

“GIVE ME BOTH BARRELS.”

“What the FUCK, dude?”

“TOO MUCH?”

“Waaaaaaay too much!

“I WANTED TO END BIG.”

“Too big! Far too big! On a scale of one to ten, you should have been at an eight, and instead you were at ‘murder thousands of children.’ It was a bit over the top.”

“THE STORY JUST KINDA STARTED WRITING ITSELF.”

“Irregardless.”

“WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME.”

“I truly did not think ‘don’t murder thousands of children’ needed to be said. I thought it was a given. I believed it to be axiomatic.”

“HOW ARE THE EGYPTIANS TAKING IT?”

“Poorly. There was public support for letting us go when all the cattle died, but now the general sentiment is that the Jews need to be slaughtered en masse for this.”

“WHY IS THAT ALWAYS THE GO-TO? ECONOMY COLLAPSES? SLAUGHTER THE JEWS. LOSE A WAR? SLAUGHTER THE JEWS. I’M BEGINNING TO THINK I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN LONGER THAN A DAY ON YOU MORONS.”

“Well, that’s neither here nor there. We have a situation. What are You gonna do about it?”

“HMM. I SUPPOSE I COULD BRING THE DEAD KIDS BACK TO LIFE.”

“That would make it worse.”

“Y’THINK?”

‘When has the introduction of zombies ever made life easier? No. You think the Egyptians are freaked out now, wait until their recently-deceased toddlers start climbing out of their graves.”

“WHAT IF I SENT OUT CHECKS FOR TWELVE HUNDRED BUCKS?”

“Nah.”

“HUH. OKAY, I GUESS YOU’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT.”

“A run for it? Pharaoh has an army!”

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THEM. I GOT THEM.”

“You sure?”

“I’M GOD. I’M ALWAYS SURE. BUT YOU GOTTA GO NOW.”

“But we just put some bread in the oven.”

“NO TIME. TAKE IT WITH YOU AND GO. I’LL LEAVE SOME HORSERADISH ON YOUR ROUTE.”

“I have four questions.”

“OKAY.”

“The first one is a repeat: What the fuck?”

“LIFE’LL LEFT-FOOT YA. NEXT QUESTION.”

“What did the Jews do to deserve this?”

“WE ALL DESERVE IT. STOP WHINING. NEXT?”

“Couldn’t this be just a little bit easier?”

“PROBABLY. LAST QUESTION?”

“Do You have a manager I could speak to?”

“NOPE. I’M ALL THERE IS. NOW ROUND UP THE JEWS AND GET HUMPING INTO THAT DESERT.”

“I knew I should’ve worshipped that dog-faced god.”

“I HEARD THAT.”