I usually type at night; sunrise ends the day, but the big fat fucker’s perched outside my dirty window. This is due to the entire world conspiring against me–AND MY FREETHINKING–to keep me from seeing a movie about Grimace trying to eat the earth, only to be stopped by underwear models. Do the underwear models win? Will good prevail? And what of evil? Shall it be vanquished?
(Only evil is vanquished. You can’t vanquish hunger with a sandwich. If someone said to you that it looked like rain, you would not say to them, “Bring an umbrella, so that you may vanquish the drops.” They would not talk to you after that. In fact, let’s just make an overarching rule: do not use the word “vanquish” in casual conversation. People will think you’re a weirdo.)
And this time-displacement has me thinking different thoughts, chief amongst them being: you fuckers are so lucky to have me. Thoughts on the Dead is inarguably the best site on the innertubes. Satire, stories, reviews, and when the fuck was the last time anyone else reminded you of Chubb Rock’s existence? (And let’s not forget that I’m a one-man-band. There are so-called humor sites out there with teams of writers that couldn’t wipe my ass.)
Think of what I DON’T inflict upon you, Enthusiasts. Ever see those assholes pimping their Patreons? I’d rather peel off my armpits with a hand-lathe than do that to you.
For $20 a month, become a Brent-Level member, and receive CUSTOM CONTENT that may or may not include an ACTUAL PHONE CALL from TotD HIMSELF.
Christ, whatever happened to dignity? And Baby Jane? Someone tell me what happened to Baby Jane and dignity.
There is no aggregation; there is no curation; you will never find any mention of Chrissy Teigen’s social media beefs and clapbacks. I do not inundate you with clickbait listicles, nor do I comment on events of the day simply because everyone else is, and I’ve never made you sit through any sort of “reaction video” from me. Nothing at all autoplays when you visit, nor does malware secreted within a picture of Bobby highjack your CPU to mine Bitcoin when you’re here. None of your information has been sold to the Russians. The Comment Section is free of trolls and dunderheads; you could eat off the Comment Section. Nothing has ever been endorsed that I did not personally enjoy. I have never posted a screed about how my firing is emblematic of the Left’s tendency towards Nazism, and then low-key sided with the Nazis in the same screed. I’m not Andy Borowitz.
Hell, you don’t even know what I look like.
I now amend my previous statement: Thoughts on the Dead is the best and least annoying site on the innertubes.
To sum up: the Donate Button is fully-operational. Please don’t make me start a Patreon.
What would it cost me to become a TC-Level Member?
$213 a month, but for that you get a handwritten newsletter (warning: my handwriting is illegible) and a random item selected from my home. This month’s item is…uh…let’s see…how about a half-full bottle of windex that, ironically, is filthy.
You know when we donate to you we expect you to do what we ask.
I once asked you to go the a show in your neighborhood.
….
…
If I donate again can you make hyperion the redwood tree a character?
….
Just sayin
I mean look at him?
Certainly the stature of Roy Head, with personal issues at least as complex as the briefcase, but less complex than Wally.
fairly sure he sounds like Joe Silver, (“get off my lucky number”). seem to remember this from the rare videos.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDJ5_uxzuZQ
i don’t go anywhere else on the innertubes, ’cause……
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiIZLDeMOg0
Si.
kind of chubby checker thing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIkwjXY7Nvw
dr. clove
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8Zou6ehKNw
THE Best.
Gracias
Am I in a sketch yet?
I’ll just go ahead and assume that a twenty every time you can scrape one together is Pig Pen level membership.