An Expert Opinion

“My God.”

The Trump speech?

“The entire situation. The, uh, appropriate term for it is unsayable with Mrs. Nixon in the room.”

Hello, ma’am.

“Pat received your warm wishes, and she, uh, returns them. By my side, Mrs. Nixon is. Not just in a physical sense, but morally and religiously, so forth. Man needs a good wife in this game. It’s why Booker has no shot. Americans will stand for many things, but not a bachelor. If he’s queer, well, that’s apparently fine now. I don’t care about that. But you can’t be single.”

Astute observation, sir. And we don’t say ‘queer’ any more.

“I only used that description because, again, of Mrs. Nixon’s presence. Among the company of my aides, Haldeman, Kissinger, those sorts, I use much earthier language. Erlichmann does an impression of the homosexual mannerisms that, uh, is a source of much laughter in the Oval Office. He waves his arms around, the whole deal.”

Sure.

“Nixon was never any good at impressions. They never came naturally. I had to work all my life just to do a passable Jimmy Cagney. Not like those Kennedy boys. Each one of them, a Rich Little with a hundred-dollar haircut.”

Mr. President, have you been drinking?

“Of course I’ve been drinking! The chaos this fool is causing! Bad for business, bad for the country, bad for everyone. Confusion? Now, confusion is a tool. Many political strategies rely on keeping various parties to a plan in the dark, but there’s no plan here. The baboon is pissing on the radiator and laughing at the smell.”

Do you think he could salvage a political win here, sir?

“Win? No. The best he can now hope for is to not lose too badly. He promised the morons a wall, and they believed him. They’ll hold him to it. The judges mean nothing. The tax cut is forgotten. No one chanted for those things, anyway. The wall. If he cannot deliver it, then his base will turn on him.”

“JUS’ LIKE YEW TURNED ON ME, NIX!”

“Elvis?”

“AH HAVE MADE MAH RETURN, AN’ AH COME BEARIN’ A BUNCH O’ GOOBERS IN HATS.”

“Hello, King. Goobers.”

“Y’ALL DONE F’RGOT MAH BIRTHDAY, NIX! AH’M MADDER TH’N A MAN WITH RATTLESNAKE TOILET PAPER!”

“Well, uh, King: during our last visit together, you led me to believe that this universe was, I believe the term you used, semi-fictional and therefore outside time.”

“A MAN STILL WANTS A CAKE!”

“Ah. Perhaps Mrs. Nixon has some leftovers in the fridge.”

“YOU AIN’T GOTTA FEED TH’ GOOBERS!”

“Good to know, King. Excellent information. And, uh, happy birthday.”

“THASS ALL AH WANTED T’ HEAR, NIX. GOVERNMENT’S SHUT DOWN, BUT YOUR HEART AIN’T.”

“Yes, that’s right.”