An Old Friend Returns

John, are you okay? I can’t see your watch.

“This shot’s about the shoes.”

Your pose highlights them so gracefully.

“If you knew anything about ballet, you would recognize third position.”

Why are you being awkward near a tree?

“I’m actually being ‘awkward.’ It’s irony.”

Oh, are we doing irony again? Are you up for the Ethan Hawke part in Reality Bites 2: Steve Zahn’s Character Commits Suicide?

“Is that really a movie?”

It’s in pre-production at Sony.

“They have no fucking clue what they’re doing over there.”

The entire C-suite’s a mess.

“HELP! JEW DOWN! JEW DOWN!”

“That voice sounds familiar.”

“Help me, Little Potato!”

“Don’t call me that. Benjy, what the fuck?”

“You know the Time Sheath?”

“The device of almost-infinite power and danger that, for some reason, was entrusted to the Grateful Dead and then lent out to all their friends and associates? Yeah, I know the Time Sheath.”

“I went to ’75 and got some quaaludes.”

“You used a time machine to score ludes?”

“I did other stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Made out with a Mexican chick in a tube top. It was one of those crochet deals girls used to wear. Bright yellow. It was a great afternoon. But now I need some help.”

“I’m not helping you.”

“C’mon, Johnny. Be my Geldof.”

“Everyone needs to stop saying that to me.”

“The bike was a terrible decision. Quaaludes and bicycles have an an either/or relationship. There’s no and. Can’t be combined. Lesson learned. Call me an Uber, buddy.”

“No. Call your own Uber.”

“I left my phone in 1975. John, I’m gonna put something on the table: these ludes are stroking my fires.”

“I’m not making out with you, Benjy.”

“Cuddle puddle?”

“No.”

“Come practice CPR on my crotch.”

“Weird.

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Benjy, I’m gonna take this.”

“Take me.”

“Shush.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“Do you want the Jew killed?”

“NO.”

“I can make it look like an accident.”

“No, you fucking well cannot.”

“Nineteen shots to the back of the head. Everyone will think it’s a suicide.”

“You’re comically inept at this, man.”