Friends, are you feeling down? Low? All fagged out?* Well, let your ol’ pal TotD sell you some bullshit. You know of food delivery services, and companies that will bring you groceries, but have you tried Opiates Brought To You Regularly? Calm your nerves! Settle your disposition! Still your bowels! With OBTYR! And for just a small upgrade fee, we’ll throw in Person Bringing You The Opiates Pretends To Believe You’re In Pain. Can’t get that deal on the internet!
“TotD,” you ask, “what does ‘regularly’ mean?”
BAZOOKA NOISE
And I shoot you in the face with a bazooka. Don’t fucking interrupt me, muchacho. My attention span is tenuous at best right now and I want to get through this, okay? I don’t come down to where you work and short your Gamestop. But I guess “regularly” means “whatever you can talk your doctor into.”
For those who act RIGHT NOW, we are able to add a free gift, which is Saving ‘Em Up And Getting Real Loose With It. While there’s a certain pleasure to a constant, low-grade administration of opiates, some prefer to chonk three or four pills down their throats and get their nod on. WE DO NOT JUDGE, even though that is some objectively rat-assed, dirtbag, junkie bullshit.
(WARNING: Side effects include a $100,000 hospital bill, bedsores, semi-insanity, and foreigners entering your room without asking permission.)
*I apologize for this.
I DON’T.
Asshole.
I’M A BRAVE WARRIOR ON A JOURNEY OF HEALING.
Whatever helps you be brave.