Attention, Shoppers: The Mall Will Be Closing In Fifteen Minutes

“Jenkins!”

“Yes, sir?”

“How’s the day’s take from our fish, chip, and Royal Family merchandise shop located here in the world’s most lucrative mall?”

“Good, sir. And you really do set up a premise wonderfully.”

“I get that from my mother. I get different things from your mother, Jenkins.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mouth things. The woman’s got the salivary glands of six St. Bernards.”

“Was there anything else , sir?”

“Yes! We’re leaving the mall.”

“What? Why? And how?”

“Exiting the mall, Jenkins! Or as I call it–”

“Mexit.”

“–Mexit! Don’t get ahead of me.”

“This is a terrible idea, sir.”

“Pish-tosh! Pish-tosh and pete-tosh! Your jaw just jabbers, boy. Wonderful concept, Mexit. We strike out on our own. All of these ninnywhompers in here have just been holding us back. The haute couture place, the furniture place, the spaghetti-and-supercar place: all crab-like and envious of our glory.”

“They’re valuable business associates, sir.”

“Have you seen the food court lately? The tapas bar is a nightmare. I’m not even going to mention the gyro joint.”

“Gus and Taki at Holding Out For A Gyro are going through some tough times, yes, but they’ll bounce back. They’ve been there forever.”

“Cut them loose, Jenkins! They’re barnacles on our hull. And you know the Greeks. They’ll eat barnacles.”

“Please don’t be racist, sir.”

“They’ll eat anything that washes onto shore, the Greeks. And boy assholes. By the truckload, they’ll eat boy assholes, Jenkins.”

“I said ‘please,’ sir.”

“Mind is made up! I won’t abide by these rules made from God-knows-where.”

“The mall’s office, probably.”

“Do this, don’t do that, shan’t pull it out at Wetzel’s Pretzels. I shall, dammit. I shall pull it out at Wetzel’s Pretzels. And then I shall use the butter-flavored topping for purposes.”

“Purposes, sir?”

“Dark purposes, Jenkins. Dark and funky purposes.”

“Sir, a Mexit would be a terrible idea. A great deal of our business depends on the access to the walk-by traffic that only clustering a whole lot of shops together in one place can provide. Plus the parking and the security and the maintenance to the physical structure of the building are all cheaper when shared among a group.”

“Oh, we’re keeping all that.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m negotiating with the other owners now. I plan on maintaining access to the lot and security guards and everything else. While still leaving the mall and not paying them any more.”

“How are the negotiations going?”

“Terribly! My demands were met with universal laughter. Even the place that sells chocolate and watches, and they don’t have any discernible sense of humor.”

“I have to say I understand their position, sir. Why are we even doing this?”

“Because I am the captain of my fate. I am the something of my soul.”

“Master.”

“‘Sir’ is fine, Jenkins. Let’s not get all psychosexual about our relationship.”

“But what is the benefit to leaving the mall, sir?”

“We shall stand alone! And, then, through a series of cunning maneuvers–”

“Oh, God.”

“–we’ll get the franchises back.”

“We’re never getting the franchises back, sir. That’s over. It’s just us now.”

“Everyone loves a comeback, Jenkins. Like Rocky. Rocky made a million comebacks.”

“Sir–”

“He just came back again. And he’s black now.”

“Sir–”

“That’s a strong comeback. That’s a comeblack.”

“We will not make a comeback, sir. We’re not quite the business we used to be, and it’s to our advantage to remain in the very wealthy consortium we’ve been a part of for so many years now. Do you remember what it was like before we joined the mall?”

“That terrifying woman was manager and you had a mohawk. It was dreadful.”

“Right. And we don’t want to go back to that.”

“But the music was so vital.”

“Sir, I beg you not to do this. There’s still time to turn back.”

“Never!”

“Never?”

“Maybe. Whichever way the egg rolls, let’s go rampage through the haute couture place for old time’s sake.”

“I’ll get my longbow, sir.”