Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 108 of 1031)

Max Occupancy

This is Josh Meyers’ stage set-up (plus Bobby and Sammy Hagar) for his latest tour, and I think it’s obvious that he has entered the Giant Band Phase of his career. All solo artists do, eventually. Both Elton and Elvis started with two other guys, and ended up with several score of musicians onstage. Billy Joel and Bruce began their performing lives in GBP; Bowie wandered in and out.

Here’s a quick checklist to find out whether you suffer from GBP:

  • Are there black-up singers?
  • If you told your road manager Go get the drummer, would he say Which one?
  • Have you recently paid for a trombonist’s hotel room and per diem?

If you’ve answered “Yes” to any of these questions, and experience anal leakage, you may be a victim of GBP and should consult your private physician. (Anyone vulnerable to GBP has a private physician.)

 

EDIT: Who sent me this picture? One of you did, but–as usual–I am bound by the strictures of Without Research. Claim your plaudits in the Comment Section.

The Daily Recounting, 9/24/19

Shit has hit the fan, huh?

Not a fan. Fan’s blades don’t have enough power to spray the shit as far and wide as the shit’s been sprayed. Shit’s hit the weedwacker, or the jet engine, or the industrial turbine. There’s doody evvvvvvvverywhere.

I’m gonna ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me.

Is it about my level of inebriation?

Yup.

High. With gusts up to blotto.

Goddammit.

Retsina is strong! The Greeks make some powerful wine, man.

Please don’t link their beverages to–

Probably all the buttfucking.

–buttfucking. 

And who can blame ’em? I can think of no other activity that more requires a couple of pops before you get started.

Can we discuss politics, please?

Politics, buttfucking: what’s the difference?

Please.

You’re boring.

What happened today?

Nancy Pelosi emerged from her Georgetown penthouse and didn’t see her shadow. She raked her nails across her breasts, drawing thin and watery blood. They could smell it, the Congresspersons could, metallic and sharp. First the Black Caucus, and then the Jews and Other Ethnics from urban districts, and then the Mohammedan women, and by noon even the white men whom suburban voters had sent to DC. They ululated together-LALALALALALALA!–and Steve King from Iowa joined in, was told to leave, hid behind a flag, masturbated to AOC.

Don’t be crazy.

Impeachment!

It’s here!? It’s finally here!?

The Wells Fargo wagon, she’s a-come around the bend.

I was beginning to think it was a myth, like dry land or the female orgasm.

What?

Dry land. 

Uh-huh.

What’s changed? Basketball Head has committed, on average, three impeachable acts a week since assuming the Presidency. Why is this day different than every other day?

Ukraine.

The Russian bear needs a warm-water port.

Da, tovarische. And so Ukraine needs military aid from the United States to defend themselves from Russia’s tankalicious entreaties.

Ohhhhh, right. Russia’s not our friend. I forgot.

Easy to lose track of who is on whose side nowadays. Can’t tell the players without a scorecard. Anyway, Ukraine needs Uncle Sam’s juicy missiles and sexy sniper rifles and all sorts of lethal doohickery.

“Needs?”

Dude, I’m as pacifistic as the next guy who’s currently listening to the Grateful Dead, but: when your neighbor is Vladimir Putin, you need some fucking guns. The man thinks all maps are negotiable.

Okay. What did Fuckface fuck up?

Well, it turns out that Joe Biden and Donald Trump have a little more in common than either would admit: they’re both dubiously-coiffed blabbermouths with idiot sons. Joe’s kid Hunter was on the board of some Ukrainian energy company.

Why?

Because the whole world is rigged and corrupt.

Sure.

Anyway, the whackadoodle sites have been horking out bullshit about the Biden kid for a year now. The Chinese bought him off, or he had a Ukrainian politician fired, or he invented a new AIDS that only infects straight white Christians.

Is any of that true?

The AIDS thing.

Stop it.

Well, he wouldn’t have been hired by the energy company if his name were Hunter Smith.

Isn’t that a punter?

Yes. Completely inadequate qualifications to sit on the board of a Ukrainian energy company. You want a fullback for that.

So: Joe Biden’s idiot son was up to the usual bullshit that idiot sons of powerful men get up when they go abroad. How does this get to the Offal Office?

The usual avenues: Fox News, 4chan, and Grima Wormtongue.

Giuliani?

Bingo. Guy’s got a hard-on for this Ukrainian thing. Which is nice for him: at least he’s getting some sort of hard-on.

That’s defamatory.

Let him sue me. Rudy Giuliani is a drunken syphilitic with firefighters’ blood on his gnarled, weak hands.

Just continue. 

Rudy gets Donny all riled up about Ukraine. Rudy pours poison in Donny’s ear. Rudy is–

Don’t say it!

–the Dago Iago.

Racist.

Wheels start turning in Fishmouth’s head. More dirt on Joe! And he needs it, too, because nothing Trump’s thrown at him yet has stuck. No one cared for “Sleepy Joe” and it was dangerous bringing up the “Joe is handsy” thing since the President’s an actual fucking rapist, but an idiot son? Trump’s got a ton of “idiot son” material for Twitter: he can just repurpose the stuff he tells Don Junior all the time. DISGRACE TO THE NAME, that sort of thing. And he’s got leverage, too.

The military aid?

You’re so smart. Somewhere in the middle of July–it’s unclear the exact date–the White House orders a hold placed on the $250 million. Then, on the 25th of the same month, Trump speaks with newly-elected Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelensky.

Is there any chance the dumb fuck pronounced that correctly?

None whatsoever. Anyway: during the call, Dumbo tells Zelensky that he can have his guns if Hunter Biden gets investigated.

The President of the United States offered a foreign leader $250 million in arms in exchange for dirt on a political rival’s family?

Sounds fucked up when you say it all plain and simple like that, dunnit?

Then what happened?

Someone in the Intelligence Community submitted a report on the fuckery to the Inspector General, simultaneously asking for Whistle-Blower status. The IG investigated the report, and found that the fuckery was fuckier than could be tolerated. It was deemed “of urgent concern.”

Why is that phrase in quotes?

Because when a whistle-blower’s report is found to be “of urgent concern,” it must by law be submitted to Congress.

Lemme guess what happened.

It wasn’t.

That’s what I was gonna guess!

So, of course, everyone starts leaking. The Post starts publishing articles, and so do the Times, and then Congress issues a subpoena for the report. You’re not gonna believe what comes next.

White House ignores the subpoena?

In their defense, ignoring subpoenas has been a working strategy up until now. BUT there are more leaks, and specifics start coming out. First, that it was Ukraine. Second, that Reverse Einstein asked Zelensky EIGHT FUCKING TIMES during the call to frame Biden’s kid for something, anything. The White House war room roars into gear, and pushes back with a set of cogent and precise talking points that all staff members adhere to.

That doesn’t sound right.

It’s not. Fuck L’Orange immediately copped to all charges in the White House driveway, and then Rudy went on teevee and basically admitted to treason, and none of the Usual Suspects from the Senate knew what to say at all, so they fell back on yelling SOCIALISM! as loud as they could for no reason. It wasn’t even a clusterfuck: both clustering and fucking were beyond the intellectual grasp of this crowd. They tried to put out a fire by throwing lit matches on it.

And now we impeach.

Apparently.

Can’t we just eat him?

Trump?

Yeah.

Mal carne.

Es verdad.

A Symphony For Robert Hunter

Sonata Moon; That’s a Terrapin Station

Invoke the muse.

Dare ya.

Putting your balls on the chopping block when you invoke the muse. Who are you, Virgil? You think just cuz you got a pen and paper, wine enough to last the night, a broken heart and too much education, you have the right to invoke the muse? You are calling out the gods! They might not answer. Or they might. Who knows which is worse?

Put aside the sash, throw open the window. Old glass, lead-lined and greenish. Wrap your sleeve ’round the heel of your palm and wipe the dust off. Dust will accumulate in this life. Birds outside. There are always birds outside, grackles and wrens and probing ibises. Ignore ’em. You seen one bird, you seen ’em all. There are joggers, too, and junkies and fancy fuckers and failures and postal carriers and lustful teenagers and men growing out their beards and women dreaming of sandwiches, and priests, rabbis, imams, bartenders. These souls, you should pay attention to. One of them is surely Elijah.

O-seh Shalom
B’im romav
Hu ya’ase Shalom,
Aleinu.

You’re gonna die one day, so you might as well invoke the muse. What’s the worst that can happen when the gods pay attention to you?

Adagio for Greenhorns

Robert Hunter was born in California during the Second World War II, but he wasn’t Robert Hunter. He was Robert Burns. This was the name of his father, who was a drunkard. Nice and fucked up childhood. Not like the other kids. Foster homes. Ward of the state. Mother came around for him, eventually, and he took on a new Christian name. Burns to Hunter; a verb replaced by a noun; editing is so important in poetry.

Bookish, one would assume.

Short fling with college. Who can bear a classroom when God gave us California? Met a lop-fingered beatnik at a coffeehouse named St. Michael’s Alley. (Garcia met Bobby in an alley, too. Garcia was an alley kind of cat.) If this were a story, the ‘house would be named after a different saint, a beneficent one, a goodly-hearted cherubim, but it is real life and not a story: St. Michael is the patron of all the world’s greatest assholes. There was a girl involved. There is always a girl involved.

He is not particularly gifted, instrumentally, and cannot sing that well. But he had a car, and that made his voice much sweeter. The boys fall in love. Neither of them would put it like that, but they are both dead and cannot defend themselves from errant eulogizing.

To the West. Saint Horace made it clear what young American men must do. Go to the West. Lay under the stars and feel small. Highways and byways and freeways, cars, and trucks. Shoot some speed. Wrestle with midnight, pin her to the ground. Let midnight bloody your lip, bust your nose. It is good for a man to know what it feels like to be punched, hard, in the nose.

Write a letter. People used to do that. Get one back. That used to happen.

And now California. And now the 60’s. For some, the 60’s began earlier than for others. The Mexicans and negros have reefer, but now there are white men with a new drug. These white men have vague last names, or none at all, and each has a haircut that could get a mortgage with no hassle. Paranoid fellow might even think they were spies. But, shit, ten bucks is ten bucks.

I think I took too much…

Put on a Ravi Shankar record, man.

Ah, Christ, not Ravi Shankar. Don’t we have any Floyd?

No. It’s only 1965.

Skip the early bits. Inchoate, misremembered, and overtold. Beginnings are never as important as we’re led to believe. Very few things are important as we’re led to believe.

London.

It is 1970, and so England is still in black and white and the Luftwaffe make nightly raids. We are near The City, which is ancient and inviolable, and Paddington Station, where gaps are to be minded. All the Jacks are here: Spring-Heel and Ripper and Hawksmoor. It is 1970, and so England is far more foreign than it is now. Mutant outlets cling like ticks to thin walls. There are too many newspapers. Palaces, too. No palaces in California, except for Hearst’s place, and everyone called him an asshole for building it. Marlyebone and Mayfair and secret rivers and cricket grounds. Grosvesnor Square. Mama, mama, many worlds I’ve come since I left the Tenderloin.

The poet has been deterritorialized. Whether or not he had a mustache at this point is unknown, possibly irrelevant.

The windows are open because the windows must be open. It is a sunny day, and there is no air conditioning for thousands of miles. Perhaps one would not stay up. Prop it with a book. Does it matter which book? Only if you’re a poet.

We have fine linen paper and a pen that will never be used to sign a death warrant or an autograph. A desk which sits under the light and does not wobble. Art on the walls. A rug, no carpet. There is a non-zero possibility of a cat. Generally, you find cats where you find poets.

Booze, too.

Cases of wine were wooden back then. Solid, needed a tool to crack ’em open. Another tool for the bottle. Only reason man invented tools was so he could make wine.

The magic of more-than-is-necessary! Enough for days, weeks; enough to stand a round; enough to waste on wastrels. Backed up! Larder stocked! The end will come, the dregs will pour, but not tonight. I got $700, don’t you mess with me.

And it’s just sitting there, the case of wine, sitting there on the threadbare rug next to the lumpy couch–this is 1970 in England and there is not one stick of comfortable furniture on the island–and the poet could swear he saw it glow with the gold of sunshine.

And his cup was empty, so he filled it.

And he filled it again.

The Ballet Section? I Thought I Outlawed the Ballet Section?

If I knew the way. If.

…………………

How hoary that “Rock and Roll Heaven” bullshit is. They’re back together now. That type of thinking is pernicious.

………………….

Robert Hunter never tried to sell me a goddamned thing.

………………….

Without Hunter, the Grateful Dead are an asterisk, an aside. Without Hunter, they would have remained peers to Jefferson Airplane or Quicksilver Messenger Service. Without Hunter, they would have failed.

………………….

Nine out of ten rockyroll songs are about the singer’s dick, and what he wants to do with it. Very few of those tunes from Hunter.

…………………..

Fennario is in America, somewhere. It is next to Yoknapatawpha, and south of  Castle Rock and Winesburg, and west of Metropolis, and east of Little Aleppo. Fennario is in America, everywhere.

Black Peter Minuet

Being on a big-time, six-shootin’, titty-twistin’ rockyroll tour is dangerous for all souls involved, but most of all for those with nothing to do. (It’s never good for you to have nothing to do, but at least when you’re home you can get a routine established. Easy enough to get all cyclical about life.) There is no place for a poet on the bus. Everyone is doing cocaine, yelling.

Back to England. The dog, having once found half a hot dog in a bush, will return to that bush forever more. So the poet goes back to England. He plans to live off of royalties. Flaw in the plan: the band does not sell any damn records. He returns to America. Writes more poems, songs, writes more everything. He’s a scribbly little bastard. Loses his hair, gains a mustache.

The guitarist needs words, so he sends them. The guitarist sets some to music, and some he loses.

Albums of his own. His voice, mannered and folkish and so very white, and more of his words–he has so many, and some so surprising–and tours occasionally. The poet marries. The poet translates Riilke. Children arrive.

Slowly, the guitarist is dying. The poet pretends not to write about it, and the guitarist pretends to believe him; they love each other. The songs are no longer about mythical forests and golden fountains, but hotels and Los Angeles. It’s never a good sign when you start writing songs about Los Angeles. The guitarist dies in a strange bed. Perhaps this is the threshold of the story, or perhaps the door. The poet is on stage in front of so very many people, and his hands are shaking, and his pardner is dead. He reads a poem. That is all he can do, so he does it.

Life goes on, even when you don’t trust it any more.

More records, more books, more tours. More children, and then grandchildren. Long afternoons spent collaborating with bodies of water. Bob Dylan swung by, like he does. Illness, too, like it does.

Robert Hunter died in California.

Allegro My Ego

Worry his words like prayer beads; they’ll come to you when your parents die, and in your greatest successes. They are etched in there, and the bark will not heal itself even if it wanted to. Some songs are permanent; some scents can’t be lost; sometimes, the words are in just the right order.

Sometimes, the sun hits the window of a strange apartment just right.

If It Wasn’t For Misfortune, I’d Be A Heavenly Man Today

It wasn’t the cover that was the problem, it was the inner sleeve. Blue Monday was released as a 12″ single, not a dinky 45 that came in a thin envelope, and so it needed a cardboard cover and and sleeve made of slick, thick paper. Factory Records went all out on the sleeve, and used silvery cloth that had to be die-cut. Much more expensive. After they did the math, it turned out the the company would lose a nickel on every sale.

This was not a catastrophe, though. The previous top-selling single from Factory had been Love Will Tear Us Apart from Joy Division. Sold 20,000 copies, which means that the loss would be a grand. They could eat a grand.

Blue Monday sold 1.2 million in Great Britain alone.

A Thought On Cancel Culture

Enthusiasts, I love Cancel Culture. For the totality of human history, we–the common fucker–have been powerless to fight the onslaught of slights, aggressions, and crimes against the common good, but no longer. Now we have Cancel Culture. No longer must the crooked, wicked, or just plain wrong be tolerated. Comedians, writers, academics, the scythe of Cancel Culture separates the wheat from the chaff. (Leaving aside the issue of whether privileging wheat over chaff is inherently fascistic.)

But it’s not working, is it? Aziz Ansari’s cancellation bounced off him like vomit off the small of a hooker’s back; Junot Diaz has not been deported; Avitell Ronell is…well, I don’t have to tell you about Avitell Ronell. We need something stronger than Cancel Culture, and I have the solution.

Cancer Culture.

Call someone by the wrong pronoun? Tumor. Ill-advised accent during a comedic performance? Massive glioma.  Don’t agree fast enough when someone says All Cops Are Bastards? Your colon necrotizes and drops out of your asshole, but not before poisoning all your other organs. I truly believe this will solve the problem, Enthusiasts.

Or we could blow up all of Twitter’s servers like at the end of Fight Club. Either idea is good.

Hard, Men

Why are you being so stand-offish? Get in there, fucker. That’s your Bobby.

“I’m being appropriate.”

Fuck that. That man saved your career.

“DID NOT!”

You get in his sweaty nook. Nuzzle in, douchewad.

“This is fine.”

How’s Sammy?

“Good. The usual.”

What does that mean?

“He keeps yelling WOO! and asking if we could play Three Lock Box.”

3LB is a slapper, Josh.

“Don’t call me that. We’re not doing Three Lock Box.”

What about There’s Only One Way to Rock?

“I don’t know that one.”

You could figure it out. We’re not talking about The Black Page.

“Bob and Sam are coming out for one number. Fire on the Mountain. That’s it”

Did Sammy bring any rum?

“Like, five cases worth. Sammy Hagar is like a Boy Scout, but for partying.”

He’s prepared.

“That’s what I’m saying.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Dude, we were getting along so well.”

I know. But this is how the bit works.

“Such a hack.

I know.

“You’re on with John.”

“Son, this is the President.”

“Oh. Hey, Mr. President. I’m just glad you’re not Miles Davis.”

“Nasty business, that man. Fabulous horn player, no one would deny that, but as a man he’s trouble. As a man. And he is, from my experience, the type of man that riles up others, uh, of his kind. His fellows. They see his attitude, and they mimic him. I’ve told Hoover to look into him several times, but Hoover says that his agents are scared of him. Heavily-armed and unreasonable, they report.”

“That is an accurate report on Miles Davis, sure.”

“He’s not like Sam. Sam Davis, Jr. There’s a negro that should be looked up to by any young man, whatever the color.”

“I guess.”

“Friendly, hard-working, can take a joke. It’s not always about race with him. And his pronunciation! My God, you would think you were talking to a Princetonian, for all that’s worth. On the phone, you cannot tell. You simply cannot tell.”

“Mr. President, please stop discussing race relations. Why are you in a hard hat?”

“Meeting with the Teamsters. Many people have, uh, forgotten just how mobbed-up I was.”

“I just assumed.”

“You want to keep your hands clean, go into the priesthood. Politics is for men, son.”

“But we’re a nation of laws.”

“Written by men. The laws were written by men. Remember that, and you’re halfway home before you begin.”

California, Jogging On The Burning Shore

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Being fit. Physically. Later, I’ll do the Sudoku. That’s for the mental health. Right now, though, I’m keeping it tight.”

Good for you

“Most of the guys my age are like a car crash had sex with a train wreck. Not, uh, the Bobber.”

Don’t call yourself that.

“Sea air’s nice, too. Sinuses are already thanking me.”

Sure. I thought you quite jogging a while ago.

“Just on non-beaches. Bad for the knees. And the shoulder.”

I don’t think jogging on concrete is bad for your shoulder.

“I can make just about anything bad for my shoulder. You know, if I get bored enough.”

True.

“I think I’m turning around.”

Okay.

 


“Most folks don’t know that cutting the sleeves off your tee-shirt gives you an extra gear.”

I didn’t know that.

“Oh, yeah. It’s like painting a racing stripe on your car.”

Oh.

You’re just gonna run away?

“I’m having fun.”

Good for you, but you do see the rocks in front of you, right?

“I don’t have my glasses. There’s a big blue thing with a brown-and-green thing under that.”

YOU’RE GONNA RUN INTO THE ROCKS, BOBBY!

“I don’t think I am.”

BOBBY RUNNING INTO ROCKS NOISE

Bobby?

Bobby!?

“Could, uh, you fetch a member of my family and/or Matt Busch, please?’

Right away.

“And my Copenhagen. I’d like a dip while I wait for the ambulance.”

Sure.

A Partial Transcript Of The Democratic LGBTQ Forum

“Good evening, Iowa, and welcome to the first major Presidential forum devoted to LGBTQ issues. Our sponsors tonight are the Cedar Rapids Gazette, GLAAD, and Season Nine of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars, available on DVD October 7th. I am your host, Lyz Lenz.”

WHITE PEOPLE APPLAUDING PROGRESSIVELY NOISE

“The first candidate we’ll be speaking to is the former Vice-President, Joe Biden.”

“Heya, Lez.”

“Lyz.”

“Good for you, honey.”

“Mr. Vice-President, some have–”

“Lemme interrupt you right there, sugar. No one has ever been a better friend to the homosexual, or lady homosexual, or whatever the other letters stand for, than Joe Biden. I considered it, actually. Back in college. Almost went sweet, but then my friend Corn Pop talked me out of it. He said I’d lose respect in the black community. The blacks are not big fans of the gays, at least they weren’t back then. Maybe things have changed.”

“May I continue?”

“Sure. You’re doing a great job.”

“Sir, your record on gay rights is a bit back-and-forth. As a Senator, you voted for the Defense of Marriage Act which defined marriage as being between a man and a woman.”

“Hey, that was 1996. In 1996, it was still illegal for men to wear capri pants.”

“Not true.”

“The times have changed, and so have I, even though I’ve always been supportive of the LMNOP community and don’t need to change.”

“What?”

“I got another story for you. 1954. Me and my dad were in downtown Wilmington. We used to head into town every week to press our faces up against the window of Hirsch’s Appliances and watch I Love Lucy. One night–I think it was the episode where Lucy and Ethel work at the chocolate factory–we see two fellas on the sidewalk going at it. They’re going at it hard, being incredibly homosexual, you know what I mean, and I ask my dad Pop, what’s going on? And he told me all about it. Topping, and bottoming, and all that. My dad really taught me about life.”

“Can we get back to the Defense of Marriage Act vote?”

“Why are we talking about that when we could be talking about when I beat President Obama to the punch on gay marriage? I’d like to bash the former President for a while.”

“For God’s sake why?”

“No idea! Every single one of my advisors tells me not to do it! But I keep on talking trash about the man. World’s a wild place, sweetheart.”

“Mr. Vice-President–”

“You should smile more.”

“–the current Vice-President, Mike Pence, signed a bill when he was Governor of Indiana outlawing gay marriage, and has consistently taken positions detrimental to the LGTBQ community, yet you recently referred to his as a ‘decent guy.'”

POLITE YET FIRM BOOING NOISE

“Well, what should I have called him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not ‘a decent guy.'”

“Listen, little lady: Joe Biden was brought up right by Big Joe Biden. I don’t go sniping people behind their backs, unless it’s President Obama. Christ, he killed a lot of foreigners. In my office, we called him the Drone Ranger.”

“That’s great, Mr. Vice-President. We are out of time and I’m going to move on to our next participant.”

JOE BIDEN WINKING NOISE

“We now come to the senior Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren. Senator, thank you for coming.”

“Thank you, Lyz. I would like to open my remarks tonight with a reminder that 18 transgender women of color have been murdered this year alone, and in their honor I will now sing Bette Midler’s The Rose.’

LIZ WARREN SINGING THE ROSE NOISE

“Beat that, bitches. I’ll be out back taking selfies.”

MIC DROPPING NOISE

“Wow, that’s gonna be a tough act to follow. I simply don’t know how anyone, anyone at all, could be a stronger ally to the LGBTQ community than that woman. Our next candidate is Mayor Pete Buttigieg.”

“Hi.”

“Mayor Pete, you are the only homosexual in the race–

CORY BOOKER NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE NOISE

“–but some have accused you of not being gay enough. How do you answer that?”

“I have no idea how to answer that. I came out in college. I am married to another dude. I was in the Navy, for Christ’s sake. I literally couldn’t get any gayer.”

“And what do you say to the people who claim you’re too gay?”

“I also do not know how to answer that.”

“Finally, there is a contingent of voters that think your level of gayness is just right. Any words for them?”

“Thank you?”

“LYZ! LYZ! STOP OPPRESSING MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH!”

“Stop yelling, Andrew Yang! You’ll have your turn.”

“Lyz, I will give $500 to anyone in this audience who has an egg on them.”

“Stop that!”

“$700 if it’s a gay egg.”

“Stop it! My questions are now for the writer, spiritualist, and living meme Marianne Williamson. Hello, Ms. Williamson.”

“Namaste.”

“You have been quoted as saying that AIDS could be cured using the power of positive thinking.”

“Lyz, that’s just not true. It’s a vicious smear from the left, or the right, or whoever cares enough to oppose me. Quite frankly, my team doesn’t have that kind of information. Maybe it’s the Archons of Abbadon. But I never said any such thing.”

“No?”

“No, I said reiki could cure AIDS.”

“Is that any different?”

“Oh, sure. You need to take a class to do reiki. It’s a whole science. I also believe that doing hot yoga can keep you from getting HIV in the first place.”

“That is not backed up by any science.”

“Lyz, let’s settle this on the astral plane. Project your aura up there. We’ll wrestle.”

“I think we’re gonna take a short break.”

“Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!”

“Oh, knock it off.”

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