“Good afternoon, and welcome back to The Katy Tur Show. I’m Katy Tur, and I’m just as dumb as the rest of the people doing this job, but a lot easier to look at. Today on the program is embattled Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Thank you for coming on the show, Prime Minister.”
“I’m happy to do any American teevee. I’m doing much better in the polls down there.”
“Sir, this week–deep into your reelection campaign–photographs surfaced of you wearing blackface at a Halloween party.”
“No, Katy. Not true.”
“Excuse me?”
“It was brownface. Not as bad as blackface. I still strongly regret the incident, and apologize to all of Canada, but I want the facts about this to be straight: brownface.”
“Is there a difference?”
“Definitely, eh. Blackface is the worst. Brownface is right under that. Then you got red and yellow. As the saying goes The darker the paint, the worse the taint.”
“I don’t think that’s a saying.”
“It’s Canadian.”
“Prime Minister, can you explain the background of the photo?”
“Sure. this was at an Arabian Nights-themed party in British Columbia when I was working as a teacher.”
“You were a teacher?”
“It was shocking to me, too. Most of my life, people have just let me do whatever the hell I wanted to.”
“You were saying that you had been invited to an Arabian Nights party.”
“Oh, no. I wasn’t invited. I actually crashed the party. I apologize for that, too.”
“Wait. You crashed the party? But you were in an Ali Baba suit and blackface.”
“Brownface.”
“Whatever. Why were you in that costume if you weren’t invited?”
“I was wearing the outfit and makeup at the time. In the 90’s, I performed dialect comedy as Aga Baba, the Baby Ay-rab.”
“Please don’t pronounce that word that way.”
“See, I was an mighty sheikh, but I was also a baby. Gotta be honest with you, Katy: the concept never quite gelled.”
“Wow.”
“But I do want to stress that I always closed my sets with a prayer for peace. In a lot of ways, the Aga Baba character was just an extension of my teaching.”
“Really?”
“I sure would like you to accept that answer and move on. Have I shown you my socks?”
“No.”
SOCK-SHOWING NOISE
“Whose face is that on them?”
“It’s Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil. Great flick.”
…
“Prime Minister, I’m now being informed that a second picture of you in blackface has come to light. We’re going to put it up on the screen.”
PICTURE-SHOWING NOISE
“Sir, can you explain this?”
“Oh, gosh, I wanna say ‘Fake News.'”
“But you won’t.”
“It’s just not in our nature, Katy.”
“Prime Minister, the picture shows you once again in blackface, this time with the white around the mouth and the gloves and everything.”
“I can explain.”
“Okay.”
“Now?”
“Please.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather I politely upbraid Trump while displaying my dimples?”
“No, sir. The picture. Why are you in full-on Al Jolson drag?”
“Well, Katy, I’ll tell you. And I will tell your audience. They deserve the truth. The sponsors. Can’t forget the sponsors. This is daytime cable news, right, so all the ad time is devoted to commemorative gold coins and toilet devices. Sometimes you see that magic garden hose, the one that shrinks away to nothing. Always meant to buy one of those suckers. If it does even half of what the commercial promises, then it’d be the hose of my dreams.”
“Stop stalling, Prime Minister. The picture.”
“I was Goofus.”
“What?”
“The two boys who teach us wrong from right. Goofus and Gordy.”
“Gallant.”
“In Canada, it’s Gordy.”
“Whatever.”
“I was the Goofus in whatever scenario that picture was taken in. I was showing what not to do.”
“You were warning people away from blackface…by doing blackface.”
“Yes?”
“Is that a question or a statement?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Prime Minister, were there any other incidences of you darkening your face to portray other races?”
“No. Absolutely not. Never. Wait. Yes. Once in 2001.”
“What happened in 2001?”
“September 11th. Have you ever heard the story of Gander? It’s a heartwarming Canadian tale that I’d like nothing more than to repeat over and over while until the election. While being handsome, of course.”
“Of course. Sir, why were you in blackface in 2001?”
“I told you: September 11th.”
“No.”
“Everyone deals with grief differently, Katy.”
“No one deals with grief by corking up, Prime Minister.”
“I don’t know, eh. You see the last Avengers movie? When Hawkeye’s family got snapped away, he became a ninja. That’s cultural appropriation, too, but no one’s giving Jeremy Renner a hard time.”
“Jeremy Renner is going through his own nonsense right now. Leave Renner out of this. Hold on.”
…
“Prime Minister, I’ve just been informed that a video of you wearing blackface has been posted on the internet.”
“Katy, I’ve said this over and over: my privileged upbringing resulted in a massive blind spot that revealed itself via multiple forays into minstrelry. I wholeheartedly apologize for these mistakes of my youth.”
“The video is from this week.”
“Oh, shit. Fried Chicken Friday.”
“What with the who now?”
“You know Taco Tuesday? Well, in my office, we do Fried Chicken Friday. And I guess maybe I took it a little too far.”
“You are once again in full blackface and…wow. You are now removing your shirt to reveal that you have darkened your entire torso.”
“I took it too far.”
“And you are singing. I do not recognize the tune.”
“My Old Kentucky Home.”
“We’re going to go to commercial.”
COMMERCIAL-SHOWING NOISE
“Welcome back to the…Prime Minister, you have applied blackface during the commercial break.”
“I should absolutely know better than this, Katy.
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