Los Lobos! Trombone Shorty! A bunch of kids! And Jay Lane pulling faces at the camera the entire time! You could do worse with five minutes of your time. You could even donate to a good cause if you want.
No lie that title, Enthusiasts! The choices shall be made by Siri, as human beings are terrible at generating random numbers (and also I would probably cheat) and the tenets of Without Research shall be strictly adhered to (although I’m probably gonna cheat). Let’s jump right in and start having rockyroll fun!
#231 Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Damn The Torpedoes
In my head, Tom Petty and Prince died the same week. (It was 2017, I think, and we all asked “How could a year be any worse?” and God heard us and saw an opening for one of His little jokes.) It was that Chinese hyperdope, which one can only assume has ceased causing trouble, as it’s no longer ever in the news.
#412 Smokey Robinson & the Miracles Going to a Go-Go
Tracks Of My Tears is on this one, and the title track, but I gotta be honest with you, Enthusiasts: Smokey Robinson has frightened me since I was Nephew on the Dead’s age. Something off about that guy.
#448 Otis Redding Dictionary of Soul
It should be noted in these times of strife that the house bands of all those old soul labels–Sun and Stax and Motown–were integrated during an era when interracial jamming was still illegal in 11 states. (FUN FACT: the ban on musical miscegenation is still on the books in Mississippi, so Dead & Company might wanna think twice about booking one of the Biloxi casinos.)
#200 Sade Diamond Life
I support the concept of Sade, but I haven’t followed the woman’s career with any attention. This is the one with Smooth Operator on it. Sade was born in Nigeria, but moved to the Cotswalds as a kid. She was at Live Aid. Seems lovely. I have now exhausted my Sade knowledge.
#32 BeyoncéLemonade
I am not proud of the fact that of the five picks so far, I’ve only listened to the one by the white guy. Not proud of that at all, but I’ll admit it to you. And I know the hits from the Smokey, Otis, and Sade records; I’m not unfamiliar. Formation is on this one, which is the number she did at the Super Bowl when she wore that military leotard. Beyoncé is also known as Sasha Fierce.
#314 Aaliyah One In A Million
Siri, you’re killing me.
#446 Alice Coltrane, Journey in Satchidanada
OH, COME ON! Jesus, I’m gonna get canceled.
#285 Big Star Third/Sister Lovers
Nonsense. Horse-hockey. Pish-tosh. This is definitely one of the top 500 records that Alex Chilton ever made, but it’s poor compared to the first two. And, yeah, I recognize that Big Star is the whitest band that ever was so OF COURSE I’m intimately familiar with the work and can place it in proper context and y’know what: I came here to have fun, not be attacked. Back up and away from me, muchacho.
#365 Madvillain Madvillainy
MF Doom? He does a mask thing and releases a million records a year, right? He’s like Black Buckethead?
#162 Pulp Different Class
Americans who were into Britpop were just doing it for the attention. How are you gonna put this on your list of Top 500 Grooviest Sex Heroes if the best song on it is blown out of the water by William Shatner’s version?
Now listen to Pasty Poshington & the Anemia Boys do it:
NOT AS GOOD. You’re off the List, Pulp. Hand over your gun and badge.
#299 B.B. King Live At The Regal
I got a two-song threshold for the Blues. “I get it, the Blues,” I always want to say. “You’ve been mistreated, and the next chord is gonna be a D. I get it.”
#132 Hank Williams 40 Greatest Hits
Greatest Hits records on a best-of list that is not “Best best-of list?” BULLSHIT. Those hippies over at Rolling Stone are shit-pipers, and they never get tired. Listen to ’em for even a second, and you’re over the shoulder and into the ditch. Place hasn’t been the same since Fong-Torres left. He wouldn’t have approved this shit.
#292 Van Halen Van Halen
The percentage of pictures taken of Eddie Van Halen in the 70’s that prominently feature his potato salad is around 70%.
That’s not potato salad, that’s just the dude’s cock. Potato salad has mystery and a vague, lumpy shape. Nothing vague about Prince Edward there.
(SIDE NOTE: Recall that Eddie wasn’t a trendsetter in displaying his dong. That was how the cool kids were wearing their pants that year. Robert Plant and his cock have a lot to answer for.)
#311 Neil Young On The Beach
Dunno this one. I like Neil Young like I like LSD: very occasionally, and in miniscule amounts.
#428 Hüsker Dü New Day Rising
I think I screwed this whole thing up. I keep asking Siri to pick a number between 1 and 500, but it’s a discrete choice each time; the previous picks aren’t being discarded, so the math is all off. Should I have written a proprietary app for this? Do I need to learn Python? My random walk seems to have been more deterministic than I wanted.
#287 The Byrds Mr. Tambourine Man
No, I fucked this all up. I’m sorry. Disregard everything and go back to your lives. Never speak of this; my failure is all-emcompassing.
“Everybody get the handout? Did we have enough? Raise your hand if you didn’t get a handout. No one? Great. Because it’s a great release. Took a lot of work. Three hour argument in my office about whether the word ‘combatting’ had one or two t’s. Good arguments on both sides of that debate.
“Before I discuss the new legislation, I’d like to take a moment to address the Coronavirus, or Covid, or the Democrat Flu, or whatever you wanna call it. Our hospitals are heroes, and keep social-masks at a distance. Florida’s doing great. High school football is back, baby. Beaches are full. The hurricanes keep hitting Texas and Louisiana instead of us. Like I said: everything’s fine.
“Now to the fun stuff: Republicans will be introducing the Combatting Violence, Disorder and Looting and Law Enforcement Protection Act. Not a great name, I know. I wanted to call it Operation: Ninja Dick, but everyone thought it wasn’t serious enough. I told ’em: Hey, nothing’s more serious than ninja dick. I related several personal experiences I had had over the years to my staff, and they were like, We don’t believe you. So I whistled an ancient and sacred tune, and three ninjas revealed themselves within my office. They had been hiding behind desks and plants and whatever. You know: ninjas. And then I had the ninjas show their dicks to my staff.
“But, uh, they still wouldn’t go with my name.”
…
“No, I wasn’t joking about the ninjas. Every word of that story happened.”
…
“Well, as I mentioned, I have had several personal experiences with ninjas. During one of those experiences, I saved the life of a ninja prince. His father repaid me with a cadre of shadow warriors that invisibly protect me on my journeys. They’re always there. Did I not mention this during the campaign?”
…
“Yeah, their dicks.”
…
“No, of course it’s not sexual harassment. They didn’t take their dicks out in a sexual manner. It’s different for ninjas.”
…
“Hey, which one of us went to Harvard Law? You? No, me. So trust me when I say that it’s legal for a ninja to take his dick out in a government building. That’s not the point of this briefing, anyway. Forget the ninjas, forget I ever mentioned ninjas. Everyone quiet down. I’m not taking questions anymore. I’m reading from my remarks. Ahem.
“Okay, the Republicans will be blah blah blah looting blah blah act. These new laws are gonna let our prosecutors live up to their potential. There’s not gonna be any nonsense in Florida. I’d rather build new jails than tolerate nonsense. I see Democrat-run cities and states up North burning to the ground, and that’s not allowed here. The more lawless criminals become, the more laws we will pass!
“So, there’s all that’s in the handout, and we’ll also be including some more stuff. For example, we’re looking into something called a ‘restricted placard zone’ that lets us arrest anyone with a picket sign within a certain set of coordinates. We’re also looking into whether we can make it a worse crime to have something clever written on the sign. You know, no one likes a smartass.
“If you look cock-eyed at Disneyworld, you’ll rot. You will rot in one of our newly-built private prisons. Because you know whose lives really matter? Tourists. Tourists’ lives matter. Any of you Antifa or Communists or Black Panthers screw around in the Magic Kingdom, it’ll be the last day you ever see sunshine. Try me, Marxists. You’ll get Florida justice, and Florida justice is real good at getting pointed at people.”
“Referring back to the handout, you’ll see that a driver who feels his or her life is in danger from a vicious leftist mob is allowed to plow through them. Personally, I pushed for a Death Race-style system where patriots could rack up points threshing through protests an a Ford F150 or whatever, but everyone watered it down. Maybe they’re right. Maybe we’re not there yet, but it’s an arrow in my quiver that I’m not afraid to fire.”
…
“I said I wasn’t taking any questions.”
…
“Yes, they’re here in the room. They’re always with me.”
…
“No, I won’t have them show themselves.”
…
“Four? Maybe five.”
…
“Because if a ninja reveals himself, he either kills you or shows you his dick. It’s a sign of respect! Hence, why it can’t be sexual harassment. Can we get back to the looters and animals?”
…
“Y’know what? I’m sorry I ever mentioned the ninjas. I feel they’ve been a distraction. Lemme go back nd prepare a new handout and we’ll reschedule the briefing.”
POTATO-HEADED GOVERNOR RUSHING FROM THE ROOM NOISE, FOLLOWED BY NINJAS MAKING NO NOISE
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