And he knows who he is.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 32 of 1031)
You can jump?
“Sure. I’m not an elephant, man.”
I know that. Your tiny little ears give you away.
“And my memory ain’t that great.”
“Wasn’t much of a soldier, was I?”
It’s almost impressive how terrible you were at it.
“It was the hours that got to me. And all the yelling. ‘Garcia! Go here! Go there!’ I had no stomach for it, man.”
You weren’t born for it.
“Oh, and I didn’t like the costumes.”
Uniforms.
“Those boots were heavy, man. Gimme a pair of tennis shoes any day.”
Can’t argue with you.
I can hear you. Chattering, gossiping, whispering amongst yourselves. I can even hear your thoughts. (FUN FACT: Dune got it right. Thoughts sound very echo-y.) And I know you want me, your humble interlocutor, to weigh in on the vital issue of which lighter is the best. Pandemic, economic collapse, federal government morphing into the third act of The Hills Have Eyes? Forsake these topics, you cry! Lighters, man. That’s what we wanna read about.
I can also hear those of you thinking, “Huh. His complete mental collapse perfectly coincided with his running out of material.” I can hear that shit, and it hurts my feelings.
Thusly, we dive into whatever the fuck we’re doing here:
ZIPPO, BUT NOT SOME OF ‘EM Not the ones with flags or Elvis or Bugs Bunny stamped on. Zippos can be engraved, but not painted on. And they have to be silver. Up to you whether you like brushed or shiny, but silver’s the only option. Under no circumstances can you perform Zippo tricks, and you most certainly cannot light them by snapping your fingers. If these rules are followed, then the Zippo is the best lighter.
BIC CLASSIC Pleasing shape. Surprisingly long-lived. Reliable. A variety of colors, and some have the logos of sports concerns printed on them. Plus, the Walgreens by me leaves a big bucket of them in front of the cash register, which makes them free. Not as cool as the Zippo, but if you try to light a doobie with a Zippo in front of some people, you get a lecture.
MATCHES Not a lighter. Should not be on this list.
DJEEP The guy you bought pot from in college had a Djeep lighter.
BUTANE TORCH If you are smoking something that needs a butane torch to light, then you need to go to rehab. Right now. Fine, you can have one more hit, but right after that we’re checking you in.
RUBBING TWO STICKS TOGETHER Also not a lighter, just like the matches. C’mon, man. Lemme get through this.
OLD-FASHIONED TABLE LIGHTER The only people who own old-fashioned table lighters are diplomats and sexual predators. You walk into someone’s house and they have an OFTL? Run! Or negotiate a treaty.
FANCY-SCHMANCY, LIKE A DUNHILL OR WHATEVER You know what I mean. This bullshit:
Can everyone else see the Easter island head eating the vertical corn-on-the-cob?
Besides being ugly, as all things gold surely are, they are as expensive as you would assume, and anyone who spends more than $20 on a lighter is an asshole. Got one as a present? Fine by me. Dad gave it to you? Cherish it. Found one at a garage sale for a tenner? Nice pick, muchacho! But if you pay full-boat retail for one of these things, I don’t wanna know you. Christ, look at that bastard. That lighter is a Marxism-inducing object.
THESE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS Right here, these fuckers:
MOTHERFUCK THESE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS. These are the cheapies, usually 99 cents, and there’s a good reason for that: these gimcrackity junksticks break before they run out of fuel, and they do it every time. Perhaps this is because they’re manufactured in–and I looked this fact up–Yuckistan, in a factory staffed by workers who had, until the previous week, lived a nomadic lifestyle; I cannot prove this hypothesis. Regardless of the cause, the symptom of the shoddy build is that the flint yeets itself out of its home, or the casing cracks, or the sparkwheel locks up and any attempt to fix the fucker just makes it more broken.
Making it worse, obviously, is that these motherfuckers are so regularly made of clear plastic like the one shown. The remaining fluid taunts you. It mocks your impotence. What’s worst: It disobeys you. If you purchase a liquid–at fair market value, mind you–then you should be able to turn it into a gas. That’s a basic human right.
Although when they do prematurely kick off, you can hurl them against the sidewalk, where they explode quite attractively.
LIGHTING A DOOBIE OFF A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, THEN HURLING THE BOTTLE AT THE COPS Cool. Very cool. Probably only get to do it once, though.
BARBECUE LIGHTERS I don’t know why lighting a cigarette with a barbecue lighter is trashier than lighting one with a Bic, but it is.
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS DON’T WORK, EITHER These motherfuckers:
Fuck these clicky motherfuckers.
USING A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO FOCUS THE RAYS OF THE SUN ONTO KINDLING I told you to cut that shit out. You’re incredibly unprofessional.
EAT MY ASS WITH A KNIFE AND A FORK This is what I’m talking about! This is the behavior I was referencing.
TUCK IN, HUNGRY BOY FUCK YOU, FUCKY!
Guys. This is gonna stop right now. We can’t have this in here.
HE STARTED IT I clearly did not.
I don’t care. Shut the fuck up.
Italians have always responded to men on balconies.
A day late, but always welcome.
“Great, okay, yeah, so nice, Rushmore, all right, great. They tried to keep us from coming, but here we are. They block the roads with their tomahawks, buffalo, whatever. It doesn’t matter. I got a helicopter. Flew right over them. The pilot–and I have some of the best pilots you’ve ever seen, and they look so good, straight from central casting, tall, mustache–says to me Mr. President, please let me drop bombs on them. They hate America. And I said You’re right. They do hate America, but hold off on the bombs. So the pilot says They should call you Trump the Merciful, sir. And I said, Yeah, they should. That’s all true, true story. Where’s Kimberly Guilfoyle?
…
“Where’s Kimmy? She’s dating Junior for some reason. Did a lot to her face, but the body is still incredible. Women can keep their body or their face, not both. Kimmy, where are you?
…
“Kimmy?”
THUNDERING DUNDERWIT GETTING DISTRACTED BY A LASER POINTER WIELDED BY STEPHEN MILLER NOISE
“Ooh, green. So, anyway: Rushmore. Probably the greatest mountain we have. Anywhere, not just America. Everest has its problems! There’s a lot of people very down on Everest right now. Europe has some nice mountains, skiing, some beautiful resorts, but you can’t tell one mountain from another. Not Rushmore. You see Mount Rushmore, you’re like Hey, that’s Mount Rushmore. Great branding.
“But they want to take this away from us. First they take our statues, and then they take our beautiful mountains. This is antifa, this is the bad blacks, this is MS-13, this is the social–”
HAND GESTURE NOISE
“–justice–”
HAND GESTURE NOISE
“–warriors. They’re ‘woke.’ They wake up one day and want to destroy America. I’m woke and I hate George Washington. That’s what they say. So they desecrate our beautiful statues, tear them down, draw terrible things on them with spray paint. That’s mostly the bad blacks. Those people are incredible with the spray paint.
“All they wanna do is cancel. Cancel this, cancel that. I never got canceled. Did The Apprentice for nine seasons, and then I retired on top. Best ratings that NBC ever saw. Better than Cosby, Cheers, or that awful Jerry Seinfeld, who was never funny. Arnold tries to replace me. Huge flop! No one wants to see him! He sits there like a dummy. I made sure to put some energy into it, to sell the show, but Arnold is boring and so he failed like a dog. I didn’t get canceled, ever, but they wanna cancel all of your mountains.
“Y’got Washington, Jefferson. There’s Lincoln, who was good and not so good. People disagree on Lincoln. Roosevelt with the mustache. Not the one in the wheelchair. There was another Roosevelt, great President, very strong even though he couldn’t walk. Franklin. But he didn’t have a mustache. The one on the mountain isn’t that Roosevelt. That’s important to know.
“And these men were such beautiful men, and did so much for America, and now the Indians and whoever start screaming to cancel them. Canceling George Washington is like canceling the sky. Y’gonna cancel the sky? Maybe they’re thinking about it! I wouldn’t put it past antifa to try to cancel the sky. The Indians come in here and they cry. They say How, Big Chief. Mountain is-um sacred.Well, if it’s so sacred, then why are there faces of Presidents? I won that argument.
“Some of these statues are so wonderful, and the totalitarian left wants them all down. The horses are like you’ve never seen before. Really great horses on some of these statues. Powerful animals. And the men are riding the horses so gorgeously. You put that in a park, and everyone’s happy. That’s a draw! Who cares about a park? Benches, some stupid kids running around, maybe a pond or whatever. Who cares, right? But you install a beautiful statue that honors a brave hero on a horse, and now you really have something.
“They’re coming after Christopher Columbus. They’re coming after the MGM Grand because they say it’s racist against lions. They’re coming after hockey because they say it’s racist that the puck is black. The Black Hills. Maybe they’ll come for the Black Hills. I saw a lot of pickup trucks on the way in. They wanna replace them with taco trucks. It starts with statues and it ends with taco trucks.
“So, on Monday, I will sign an executive order implementing the death penalty for taking down any more statues, and I will set aside $100 million to study how to build the wall out of statues. I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone. Wall, statues. Americans deserve a wall made from statues, and I’m going to deliver it, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know what day it is and likes little girls.
“Okay, yeah, wonderful, God bless America, good, good.”
Dry your eyes, it’s the Fourth of July.
I mean it, Sandy girl.
Wave it wide and high.
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