Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 33 of 1031)

Rep. Andy Biggs, chair of the conservative House Freedom Caucus, on Thursday called on the White House to shutter its coronavirus task force, claiming the nation’s top public health experts were undermining President Donald Trump. – Politico, 7/2/20

“Good afternoon, America. I’m Katy Tur, and if I don’t get to candyflip at MSG while some scruffy uggos from Vermont butcher Talking Heads covers real soon, I’m gonna murder my family. Love my family, but Momma needs a little release right now. Anyway, my guest today is one of Arizona’s seemingly innumerable amount of second-string Republican whackadoodles, U.S. Congressman Andy Biggs.”

“Everything’s Biggs-er in Arizona, Katy.”

“Is that your campaign slogan?”

“Yeah. It’s not great. Voters find it displeasing. That was the exact word they used, which I always found odd. But, you know: it’s suburban Arizona and I’m a Republican, so my slogan could’ve been Lather up your buttholes, pissants.”

“You represent a deeply red district.”

“Deeeeeeeep red. Like a monkey’s butthole. I mean, shit: I’m on national teevee right now, and all I’m doing is talking about buttholes, and I’m gonna win my race by 40 points. You know that old saying about how a politician never wants to be caught with a live boy or a dead girl? Well, I could fuck both of ’em right in the parking lot of Olive Garden and still get reelected.”

“Please stop cursing, Congressman.”

“Fuck that, fat-tits. I’m a man. I’m a man! I curse, and I shave four times a day, and I haven’t bought new underwear since 2003, and I don’t wear a mask.”

“Ah. Yes. The mask. You have recently made some statements decrying mask use.”

“Not crying. I don’t cry, What did I tell you? I’m a man.”

“Not ‘crying.’ Decry…y’know what? Forget it. You have stated that you don’t believe that the coronavirus is as dangerous as experts say it is, and you have advocated for a complete reopening without any social distancing or mask use.”

“When you say ‘expert,’ I assume you’re talking about Dr. Fauci?”

“Among others.”

“And what makes him such an expert?”

“A world-class intellect, top-notch education, and decades of experience at the highest levels of his field.”

“You think he’s better than me?”

“It’s not about that.”

“I’m a man, Katy.”

“You have mentioned that several times already.”

“A MAN.”

“Congressman, please tell me why you have come to the conclusions that you have about the coronvirus.”

“I can’t explain why I believe the things I do, Katy, but I will defend those beliefs to the death. Preferably someone else’s death, but whatever. The ronus is a phonus maronus. Doctors come up to me all the time. They plead with me to listen to their lies. I shout PHONUS MARONUS at ’em. They don’t know what to do with that.”

“I would imagine.”

“The facts are simple. One: China started this pandemic. Two: there is no pandemic. Three: masks are for homos. Four: Constitution says I got the right to go to Outback Steakhouse, and call the waitress ‘Sweetcheeks’ when I get there. Five: Dr. Fauci is antifa. Those are the facts.”

“Nothing you just said was a fact. Some of the items might rightly be classified as anti-facts.”

“Have we even seen his diploma?”

“Who, Dr. Fauci?”

“Yeah.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I have no idea! But all of it should be taken seriously! I’m a Congressman, dammit.”

“Yes. You are.”

“Arizonans are a proud, independent people, Katy. We work hard, but y’know what else? We love hard. And we like a hard hang. I meet up with the chums, we hang hard. Mostly guys from high school. Moochie, Big Skink, Little Skink, Chowhound. We call ourselves the Randy Rattlesnakes. Friday nights are for the boys!”

“Are you making a point, sir?”

“Well, me and the other Randy Rattlesnakes got a tradition where we enjoy Mexican food while being aggressively racist towards Mexican people. We call it Sweet & Sour.”

“That’s awful.”

“And wearing masks would destroy that.”

“Why?”

“Because we like to put on fake mustaches to mock the Mexicans. Y’see, Katy: Mexicans love their mustaches.”

“Can we change topics?”

“Only if we talk about President Trump.”

“Fine.”

“Looooooove him.”

“Gotcha.”

“And he wants to lead us to glory. The greatest economic recovery in the history of the world is right around the corner, and President Trump wants to bring us home. Let’s let him! He’s our quarterback, Katy. And that corona task force…well, I don’t know whose team they’re on. Or maybe they’re punters. Shit, there’s nothing worse than a punter. President Trump needs lions, but he’s got punters. Doctors Fauci and Birx are punters, and so maybe they should just disappear.”

“Disappear, sir?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day Fauci leaves his house to go to work and just doesn’t show up. That kind of thing happens a lot more than the government wants you to know. People disappear all the time.”

“Congressman, are you suggesting violence?”

“Not suggesting. Just introducing the notion to your viewers, including the mentally-imbalanced ones. Just alerting all within the sound of my voice to the idea. Disappearing Dr. Fauci is something that could be done. That’s all I’m saying.”

“That is shockingly irresponsible and malicious.”

“Yeah.”

“Congressman Biggs, are you making any policy proposals?”

“I have a bill in committee naming a Navy ship after Alice Cooper.”

“No, I meant–”

“Alice is an Arizona boy!”

“–policy proposals regarding the coronavirus.”

“Oh, shit, right. I told President Trump he should make it illegal.”

“Make what illegal?”

“Kung Flu.”

“Don’t call it that, and that’s not how it works.”

“Won’t know ’til we try.”

“We will. We can know right now, without having actually performed the experiment, that declaring the coronavirus to be against the law would have no effect whatsoever.”

“I disagree. I believe it would be a strong, powerful move from a strong, powerful President. I would be more than pleased to stand beside President Trump as he signed the bill into law. I would clamor afterwards for his Sharpie, and then mount it in a fancy box, and place that box on my desk so I could point it out to everybody. That would be great, Katy.”

“We have ten seconds left. Anything else to say?”

“I’d like to repeat something I already said.”

“Which is?”

“Masks are for homos.”

“Wonderful. We’ll be right back.