So let the sun shine bright.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Author: Thoughts On The Dead (Page 35 of 1031)
Hey, Phil.
“Hey, Ballsack.”
Is that your new name for me?
“It’s not new.”
Okay. Why aren’t you facing the crowd?
“Nothing but uggos out there tonight. All of their features are in the wrong places. Can’t even look at them.”
You have such contempt for your fans.
“C’mon, man. Look at ’em. It’s like all their faces were torn off by chimps, and then reattached poorly.”
I can’t really see them.
“Lucky bastard.”
Watch this, pudknockers!
Don’t call the nice people pudknockers.
Those fuckers knock pud. I know that they do, and I’m a truth-teller, man.
No, you’re a school in 2020.
How so?
No class.
“Good morning, everyone, but a great morning to one really special American, President Donald J. Trump. Your loyal Vice-President salutes you. He’s probably too busy to watch this, what with the massive work ethic he possesses. Slow down, Mr. President people will say, and he just laughs and goes back to making America greater. And if he’s not actively making America great, he’s thinking about. By gosh, I believe he dreams about it.
“But if President Trump does by chance have the teevee on, which he so rarely does, then I’d like to thank him for the leadership he’s shown since…well, his entire life, I guess. And I’d like to thank him for this opportunity to share the encouraging news about the Kung Flu. And I’d like to thank him for explaining to me why I should call it Kung Flu instead of Coronavirus. Sometimes, my opinions get twisted up, and President Trump straightens my brain right out. I love him for that. He teaches me so much.
“Oh, hey, lemme introduce everyone. You know Doctors Fauci and Birx.”
TWO MASKED SCIENTISTS STARING DAGGERS AT ONE UNMASKED MILKSOP NOISE
“President Trump loves them. So, I love them. They’re tremendous. It’s common practice back in Indiana to distrust Italians, but Dr. Fauci is one of the good ones. Doc, when are you going to invite me over to your momma’s house for some of her spicy meat-a balls?”
SILENCE NOISE
“And maybe some gabagool. Gee, I’d love to try that. Exotic! So, uh, getting back to the main point: President Trump has defeated Covid-19, and he also definitely knows what the ’19’ stands for. Much like Hercules slayed the Nemean Lion, President Trump has strangled the virus to death with his bare hands. If I were to name President Trump’s hands, I would name them Leadership and Powerfulness. I wish he’d let me name his hands. That would be such an honor.
“So: the pandemic is officially a nondemic. The American people, at the command of their mighty leader Donald J. Trump, whipped the virus. Whipped it real good. All 50 states are doing great, even the Democrat-run ones that have been set on fire by unruly blacks. Here is an inarguable fact: If you are a Wendy’s restaurant, you are at a much higher risk of being torched by unruly blacks than of catching coronavirus. You can’t argue with facts.
“And so as a result of President Trump’s brilliant actions, America has flattened the curve and will now be entering Phase: Delta. Okay, any questions? You, in the front.”
“What the hell is Phase: Delta?”
“Everything is open and all Americans are encouraged to splatter their bodily fluids willy-nilly. Also, testing for the virus is now illegal. And doctors aren’t allowed to cite Covid as a cause of death. They have to say it was the flu or pneumonia or pleurisy or whatever.”
“Why?”
“Well, remember when I said ‘You can’t argue with facts?’ I was right about that, but you can create your own facts. Legally, no one is going to die from Covid any more.”
“Where did the name come from?”
“Phase: Delta? The President is good friends with Chuck Norris.”
“Sounds right. Did you say that testing is now illegal?”
“Yes. And we are encouraging vigilantism on this issue. People should really take matters into their own hands.”
“That is incredibly irresponsible.”
“Is it?”
“China’s the irresponsible one.”
“We’re not talking about China.”
“I am! And I am accusing them of engineering a lethal bio-weapon and releasing it into the world.”
“Why would they do that?”
“Communism!”
…
“Did you have another question?”
“Nah. Just gonna sit here and breathe for a while.”
“Super. Who’s next? Oh, ugh, fine. Yamiche?”
“Good morning to you, too, Mr. Vice-President.”
“You here to pull down a statue?”
“I’m ignoring that. Mr. Vice-President, should Americans wear masks in public settings?”
“Yamiche, I know you hate America, but some of us still believe in the ol’ gal. The America I know is full of decent, hard-working, god-fearing, red-blooded folks. Less so in the big cities, but there’s still some decent folks there. I trust ’em to make the right decision.”
“And what is the right decision?”
“The American decision.”
“You’re not answering my question. Should people wear masks in public?”
“Batman should! Otherwise, everyone would know his secret identity.”
“Uh-huh. What about everyone who’s not Batman?”
“Almost all of the scenarios we discuss in Corona Task Force meetings involve Batman in some way. We’re still holding out for the possibility that he’s gonna show up and save us all.”
“Sir, should Americans wear masks in public or not?”
“Well, what counts as public? The middle of the ocean is public, but I don’t think a mask is necessary there. Or forests. The International Space Station.”
“Restaurants, sir. Bars and restaurants and stores. Should people wear masks while in these establishments?”
“Hey, look!”
MILKSOP PULLING A TINY KITTEN FROM HIS POCKET NOISE
“Wook at the widdle kitty. Wook at him.”
“You planted a kitten in your coat so you’d have a distraction when you got a difficult question?”
“Depends. Are you distracted?”
“No!”
MILKSOP YEETING A KITTEN OFF STAGE NOISE
“Can’t blame a guy for trying. Let’s let someone who isn’t Yamiche have a chance. Paula?”
“Mr. Vice-President, the number of cases in Americans under 35 is exploding. What are the plans for dealing with that?”
“Dealing with it? We’re celebrating it.”
“What now?”
“That demographic leans heavily Democrat. And, when they die, it gets them off the unemployment roles. Two-for-one kinda deal. We’re choosing positivity, Paula. Y’know what song I listen to every morning to put myself in the right headspace? Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.”
“That song was ironic.”
“Do I seem like a guy who understands irony?”
“No.”
“All right, then. Next question. You.”
“Mr. Vice-President: Earlier, you claimed that the United States had ‘flattened the curve.’ That is not true, sir.”
“It is.”
“No, sir.”
“The curve has been flattened. Can’t even call it a curve anymore.”
“Mr. Vice-President, this is the curve:
“How can you call that flat?”
“By looking at it from very far away. From around a hundred paces, this sucker’d look flat as a pancake.”
“I give up.”
“Wonderful! Anybody up for some Bible Study?”
Ugh. Hello, Coronavirus.
“You call yourself Thoughts on the Dead, right? I must be giving you a lot to do, huh?”
You’re awful.
“I am who I am, baby. I have a purpose. I know my role. I’m like the Terminator, but…nope! No buts about it! I’m exactly like the Terminator.”
Everyone hates you.
“Really? Reeeeeeeeeally? Cuz it doesn’t seem like everyone hates me. I am the recipient of so much kindness from strangers. People are going out of their way to help me.”
People are idiots.
“I know! It’s great!”
Jackass.
“You’re a pip. Anyhoo, I just swung by to make a little news by announcing my retirement.”
What? You’re retiring? That’s incredible! You’re not gonna infect and kill people any more?
“No, I meant that I was moving to Florida and Arizona.”
Dammit.
“Love it down here! Easy living, man. Real hot, so everyone stays inside and cranks up the AC. That’s my jam! Bunch of fuckers in an enclosed space with the HVAC rumbling? THAT’S MY JAM, MUCHACHO!”
Stop yelling and don’t call me that.
“I think I’m gonna take up pickleball.”
Fuck you.
Hot Child In The City came out in ’78. Not making any accusations, just pointing out a fact.
How the fuck did the Stones not sue? (FUN FACT: Ray Davies stole a lot of riffs.)
…6’9″ with the afro.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to follow.
GAVEL NOISE!
GAVEL NOISE!
“Everyone settle down! Settle down! We are going to have this meeting come to order right now, or I’m going to have the sheriffs clear the room, and no one wants that. Well, maybe the sheriffs want that. Those guys are a little edgy lately. So, here’s how it’s gonna work. We will open the floor for public comments. If you want to speak, form an orderly line along the left wall of the room. We will hear all who wish to be heard, but only for one minute. Everybody gets 60 seconds. Unless you start cursing. If you start cursing, I’m gonna cut you off.”
CLEARLY INSANE WOMAN IN FLIP-FLOPS RAISING HER HAND NOISE
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Does the N-word count as a curse?”
“Wha?”
“Does the–”
“Yeah, yeah, I heard you. I was just struck dumb by the question’s very existence. But, uh: yes. Yes, the N-word counts as a curse.”
“I believe your taxonomy is both incorrect, and Cultural Marxism.”
“Uh-huh. Okay, how about I amend my statement? If you curse OR use racial slurs, then I’ll cut you off.”
“What about really obscure racial slurs?”
“Also not gonna work for me.”
“What about using the correct word, but pronouncing it in a derogatory fashion? Like ‘Ay-rab?'”
“No.
“Or ‘Eye-talian.'”
“It’s an across-the-board no, ma’am.”
“I’d like to revisit your proscription on cussing, and ascertain the parameters. Are gestures included? For example…”
CLEARLY INSANE WOMAN IN FLIP-FLOPS MAKING THE JERK-OFF GESTURE NOISE
“Stop that! Just stop it. I’ve answered your questions and now we’re going to hear from the citizens of Palm Beach County, where–I would like to remind everyone present–the infection rate of the coronavirus and the death toll from Covid-19 have skyrocketed in the last few weeks. Let’s keep that in mind. Let’s remember that we’re talking about people’s lives and health here. Okay, let’s begin the public comments. Sir?”
“Thank you, Commissioner Hitler.”
“My name is Weinroth. So…that’s just so offensive.”
“Well, excuse me for exercising my First Amendment rights and pointing out that you are a Nazi and a communist and an anarchist.”
“Can’t be all three. Mutually exclusive philosophies.”
“You and the rest of the pedophiles on the Commission cannot steal my freedom! My freedom is mine! It won’t work for you! It’s like Judge Dredd’s gun! My freedom is keyed to my DNA, and if you try to use it, it’ll blow off your hand!”
“Thank you, sir. Anything else?”
“I would like to continue talking about Judge Dredd!”
“We don’t have time for that. Please step away from the podium. Next speaker, please. Ma’am?”
“I am placing all of you under sovereign citizen’s arrest.”
“Is that like a citizen’s arrest?”
“Yes, but with more nautical terms.”
“Okay, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I could pull up around a dozen YouTube videos that would explain why I have the authority to throw you in the brig.”
“You don’t have a brig.”
“I have several, sir. I have several brigs. Don’t you dare accuse me of not having brigs.”
“That’s enough. Your time is up. Step away from the podium. Next, please. Ma’am?”
“N—-r.”
“I SPECIFICALLY mentioned that word as one you couldn’t say!”
“I do what I want. SALT LIFE!”
“Enough! Get her out of here!”
SHERIFF DRAGGING A DAUGHTER OF FLORIDA FROM THE ROOM NOISE
“Last warning! I will end this hearing if everyone can’t stop being crazy and racist and crazily racist. Can’t we act like a normal state just for once? Just one time, let’s not be the state all the other states laugh at. I’m begging here. Okay, who’s up next? Sir?”
“I would like to take my time to accuse the County Commissioners of various crimes, including regicide, brigandry, and sticking their fingers in cats’ assholes.”
“That will not be allowed.”
“You can’t silence me, sir. I’m not a cat’s asshole.”
“Stop it.”
“I would also like to accuse all of you of being robot duplicates of yourselves, possibly created by Jewish scientists.”
“Sir–”
“Probably. I mean, making robot duplicates is pretty high-level work. You’re gonna want Jews for that.”
“Sir–”
“Brainy folks. Evil, but brainy. I’m still talking about the Jews.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“Get away from the microphone! Get! Okay, my patience is getting real thin. Any more stupidity and I’m closing the session. Does anyone have anything sane to add? Ma’am?”
“I tried wearing a mask last week, and I distinctly heard it conspiring with my lips to murder me in my sleep.”
GAVEL NOISE!
“We’re done.”
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