“That girl went in on you.”
“Uh-huh. She did.”
“Called you a pretentious stalker.”
“Can we talk about something else, Phil?”
“Mr. Lesh.”
“Sorry.”
“Absolutely not. Funniest damn book I’ve read since Hitchhiker’s Guide. That was a good one, but I didn’t know anybody in it. What’s her name again? Larry Simcox?”
“Jessica Simpson.”
“Who’s Larry Simcox?”
“No idea.”
“I’m talking about the singer you used to bang. The dumb one with the big tits.”
“Jessica Simpson. Although, to be honest, ‘the dumb one with the big tits’ describes most of my ex-girlfriends.”
“Never my thing. I like a lean woman. Anything more than a B cup is sloppy and floppy.”
“I’ll try to remember that.”
“Son, you sass me again and I’ll sic the Busboys on you.”
“Yes, sir.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Phil, I gotta take this.”
“You don’t gotta do nothing but stay black and die.”
“Uh-huh. I’m gonna take this.”
“Signing your own death warrant, boy.”
“Yes, sir.”
…
“You’re on with John.”
“Mayer, it’s the President. I need some help with your people.”
“What?”
“The Jews.”
“Mr, President, as I have told you and many other people in this stupid universe, I am not Jewish.”
“You’re in show business. That’s close enough.”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“Nixon is in the weeds here. There are three of us in the room, and there’s eight different arguments. And the gestures! My God, the gestures. As you may know, I was raised in the Quaker tradition. One doesn’t use one’s hand to communicate. My mother once caught my brother Donald pointing. Thrashed him senseless.”
“Wow.”
“Splendid woman, my mother. Made our shoes for us. Didn’t know the first thing about cobbling, but she did right by her family. By God, she did right by her family.”
“Sir–”
“The Italians are renowned for their gesturing, but it’s not like the Jews. Whole different ballgame. The, uh, Italians have what might be called a manual dialect. Each hand movement means one thing. They can be translated. Not the Jews. The swipe, the loop, the pounded fist: none are attached to a particular thought. It’s a free-for-all.”
“–why don’t you just listen to what they’re saying and ignore the gestures?”
“I’m sitting here with Kissinger and Golda Meir. I haven’t understood a word anyone’s said since Haldemann left the room.”
“Sure.”
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