“Morning, everyone. We have some hermetically-sealed influencers and YouTubers here with us in person, and that’s great. Until they break mine or Kathleen Kennedy’s Personal Health Radii. Then, things are gonna be less than great. We’ll mow you peasants down. Stay where we put you.
“Everybody else is at home, and that’s for the best. Our announcements are gonna be around six hours. We’re really going for it today. Literally every dumb idea we’ve had for the past ten years. I might improvise a couple shows. We’ve also got some new trailers, which is exciting, and we’ve got title-cards, which we’re gonna pretend are the same as trailers.
“Let’s start off with Star Wars. Yay, Star Wars! It’s back. It never went away, but it’s back. Mandalorian, huh? The helmet, the baby, it’s a Western. The kids love him, and the guy who plays him is Hispanic. So that checks off a lot of boxes for us. We’re going deep into Mando. Everyone who’s been on the show is getting a spin-off. Beefy Muscle Lady and Apollo Creed are gonna team up. Remember the IG droid that blew itself up? He’s getting a prequel.
“We’re also gonna be digging into the Original Trilogy and giving everyone shows. Remember the guy with the walrus-face? His name was Ponda Baba, and he’s got a show. Hammerhead? Show. The early life of Bib Fortuna? Show. Everyone gets a show and none of it makes sense unless you watch all of it.”
DIAOBOLICAL LAUGHTER NOISE
“We’re gonna have a show with multiple Jabbas. And they’re gonna get it on. Everyone told me, ‘Bob, they’re not called Jabbas. They’re Hutts.’ I pissed on their shoes. ‘I says they’re Jabbas,’ I said. They agreed with me pretty quick. We’re gonna have Jabba-orgies.
“Jesus, you just wanna reach out and know someone’s there. Have someone join you in the warm confusion of existence. It’s so fucking confusing. You just hunt around for the point, and I don’t think it’s a fair game, so you just…you just don’t wanna do it alone. You can’t do it alone.
“…
“Disney can’t do anything for that, but we got Jedis. You can bear the torment of life for 45 more minutes as long as those 45 minutes are full of Jedis. Or superheroes. Who loves superheroes? Me, too.
“First big announcement is that we’re doing Fantastic Four. Stretchy-Man, the See-Through Lady, Hot Guy, and Pebble-Ass. Everybody’s favorite family is gonna team up and punch the armored foreigner. You’ve been waiting to see it for so long.
“Also, we’re doing the Eternals. Or the Inhumans. Or the Celestials. I always get those three confused. Are they all from space? One’s from the moon. The Celestials are real big, I think.
“I’m gonna be honest with you: We’re maybe six months away from doing The Beyonder. Omnipotent being from beyond the stars who, for some reason, only wanted to see Spidey punch the Wrecking Crew in their faces? Just the dumbest fucking plot device in the history of comic books? Yeah. That. We’re doing that, and you’re gonna thank us with money.
“Y’know what? Fuck it: Moon Knight. No one’s ever liked Moon Knight. Hell, no writer’s ever figured out who he is besides ‘legally not-Batman.’ Moon Knight’s coming, and if you don’t like it, I’ll piss on your shoes.
“All right, have the influencers and YouTubers killed.”
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