Brigham Kicked A Prairie Dog

Hey, Prairie Dog. Whatcha doing?

“Burrowing, eating seeds and grasses, carrying the plague. Same old thing.”

Right. It’s that last thing I need to talk to you about.

“The seeds and grasses?”

I said “the last thing.”

“The plague.”

Right.

“You’re upset about the plague situation?”

Well, you’ve inconvenienced a lot of people…what can I call you?

“Nate.”

Your name is Nate Dog?

“You’re upset about the drug-and-burrito bazaar being shut down, and lament the frivolity that you believe yours by birthright.”

Um, sure.

“And yet spare no tear for the thousands of my brothers and sisters this so-called ‘plague’ has taken. Oh, no! Some little white motherfucker isn’t gonna get to buy himself a grilled cheese! We’re dying, actually dying in the tens and hundreds and thousands, and you don’t even notice, but to celebrate. That shit kills 90% of the prairie dogs that get it!”

Wow.

“Blaming us? Ha! Where did we come from? You wanna know where prairie dogs came from? We came from right the fuck here, pal. The prairie. See how there’s no trees? We’re what the basic rodent chassis evolves into if it’s left in a treeless environment. We’re from where we are. Where’s the plague from, dicknose?”

Europe? Asia?

“But not Colorado, right? Definitely not from Colorado?”

No.

“Our land wasn’t enough. Our pelts, our meat. You imperialist motherfuckers even want to get in our bloodstream. It’s a sickness with you people.”

What do you mean “you people?”

“I said what I said.”

There’s a cure for the plague, you know.

“We know what you did to those poor bastards at Tuskegee. No doctors.”

I wasn’t suggesting doctors. What if all of you just popped your little heads out of your holes at a pre-determined time? During the day, obviously.

“Are you suggesting what I think you are?”

Listen, Nate, it’s in your species’ best interest to be culled.

“You must be shitting me.”

We want to be humane, so let us shoot you in the head.

“No! How can you be so cruel?”

Capitalism demands it.

“What about the People?”

The People are the ones who demand Capitalism. Everything loops back on itself up here.

“We burrow in straight lines.”

Bully for you.