House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to the House Clerk on Thursday asking for the removal of portraits of four former speakers of the House who served in the Confederacy, the latest effort by Congress to reexamine Capitol Hill’s relationship to Confederate leaders and symbols. – CNN, 6/18/20

Last week, TotD introduced you to the Confederate statues coming down from the Capitol, and now we present: Know Your Portraits Of Confederate Speakers!

Munificence Thatch Thatch triangulated the political positions of Blue Dog  and Yellow Dog Dems to form his own faction called the Green Dog Dems, and no one would attend his meetings. Won the Speakership in a poker game, and only served for three weeks before everyone realized he was a goober and staged a soft coup. Given a sinecure on the Judiciary Committee. Spent most of his last 40 years down by the Potomac with his dick out; when it was time to call it a day, the other Congressmen would send a page to collect him.

J.N. “Specky” Cobb This Georgian served proudly in the U.S. Congress before resigning to join the Confederacy and accept commission as a general. He led the Hogswallow Brigade to what one historian called “a tie, I guess” in the Battle of Cropsy’s Farmhouse, and also saw action when the Hogs accidentally attacked themselves on three separate occasions. Specky also lost his rifle a lot, and was scared of horses and loud noises, and didn’t like sleeping in tents. Not a great soldier.

Bancock Harpinforth Raised on a Mississippi plantation, Harpinforth’s racism shocked even his peers, all of whom were themselves incredibly racist. He had all of the slave quarters on the property rebuilt with sloping floors, just to fuck with his slaves, and invented something called a “superwhip” whose details have, thankfully, been lost to time. He used to feed his slaves to sharks. We’re talking about northern Mississippi; there’s not a shark for hundreds of miles. Fucker had ’em imported! This was 1848, by the way. As difficult as it is now to build an inland holding tank for an ocean predator, imagine the logistics of it back then. Nigh-on undoable! But it’s like my dad used to say: If you got enough cash, and you’re racist enough, you can do anything.

Johhny Earl Johnny Earl, you wasn’t no Speaker of the House. We ain’t even got a house, y’droopy-drawered sumbitch. We got the double-wide. How’d you get up there on that wall, Johnny Earl? You ain’t even a portrait. You are a crude caricature, at best. At the absolute best. Y’have a giant baby head and a tiny little body drivin’ a Nascar. Did you let that sex offender from the fair draw you, Johnny Earl? I told you to stop hangin’ out with the Human Lobster. It should warn you right off the bat that he makes everyone call him that! That’s a red flag, Johnny Earl! That man has no lobster-like qualities!

Please make sense.

MAKE ME. COME HERE AND FUCKING MAKE ME.

The Enthusiasts want a show recommendation.

How about this:

That’s Zeppelin.

Yes. You can tell by their adorable accents.