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Tag: nancy pelosi

But Is It Art?

June 18, 2020 / / 0 Comments

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to the House Clerk on Thursday asking for the removal of portraits of four former speakers of the House who served in the Confederacy, the latest effort by Congress to reexamine Capitol Hill’s relationship to Confederate leaders and symbols. – CNN, 6/18/20

Last week, TotD introduced you to the Confederate statues coming down from the Capitol, and now we present: Know Your Portraits Of Confederate Speakers!

Munificence Thatch Thatch triangulated the political positions of Blue Dog  and Yellow Dog Dems to form his own faction called the Green Dog Dems, and no one would attend his meetings. Won the Speakership in a poker game, and only served for three weeks before everyone realized he was a goober and staged a soft coup. Given a sinecure on the Judiciary Committee. Spent most of his last 40 years down by the Potomac with his dick out; when it was time to call it a day, the other Congressmen would send a page to collect him.

J.N. “Specky” Cobb This Georgian served proudly in the U.S. Congress before resigning to join the Confederacy and accept commission as a general. He led the Hogswallow Brigade to what one historian called “a tie, I guess” in the Battle of Cropsy’s Farmhouse, and also saw action when the Hogs accidentally attacked themselves on three separate occasions. Specky also lost his rifle a lot, and was scared of horses and loud noises, and didn’t like sleeping in tents. Not a great soldier.

Bancock Harpinforth Raised on a Mississippi plantation, Harpinforth’s racism shocked even his peers, all of whom were themselves incredibly racist. He had all of the slave quarters on the property rebuilt with sloping floors, just to fuck with his slaves, and invented something called a “superwhip” whose details have, thankfully, been lost to time. He used to feed his slaves to sharks. We’re talking about northern Mississippi; there’s not a shark for hundreds of miles. Fucker had ’em imported! This was 1848, by the way. As difficult as it is now to build an inland holding tank for an ocean predator, imagine the logistics of it back then. Nigh-on undoable! But it’s like my dad used to say: If you got enough cash, and you’re racist enough, you can do anything.

Johhny Earl Johnny Earl, you wasn’t no Speaker of the House. We ain’t even got a house, y’droopy-drawered sumbitch. We got the double-wide. How’d you get up there on that wall, Johnny Earl? You ain’t even a portrait. You are a crude caricature, at best. At the absolute best. Y’have a giant baby head and a tiny little body drivin’ a Nascar. Did you let that sex offender from the fair draw you, Johnny Earl? I told you to stop hangin’ out with the Human Lobster. It should warn you right off the bat that he makes everyone call him that! That’s a red flag, Johnny Earl! That man has no lobster-like qualities!

Please make sense.

MAKE ME. COME HERE AND FUCKING MAKE ME.

The Enthusiasts want a show recommendation.

How about this:

That’s Zeppelin.

Yes. You can tell by their adorable accents.

 

A Quick Guide To Your Capitol Confederates

June 11, 2020 / / 0 Comments

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi–who is apparently the best we can do–is demanding the removal of 11 Confederate statues from the halls of the Capitol Building. If, like me, you’re just learning that there are Johnny Rebs in the august atria and concourses of America’s most beautiful building with a titty for a roof, then get up to speed on your traitors with this helpful guide.

JEFFERSON DAVIS Can’t have Confederate statues without Jeffy. That’s like a “Top Ten Classic Rock Songs” list without Stairway, man.

DAVIS JEFFERSON Often confused for Jefferson Davis, kinda like David Keith and Keith David.

BEAUREGARD BEAUREGARD BEAUREGARD III This minor Tennessee general was well known for his facial hair, and kicking black people. Even ones he didn’t own! And BBB didn’t extend his foot like he was punting, either. That fucker pointed his toe and aimed for the goolies.

AUGUSTUS SHUMPERT A respected Virginia colonel, Shumpert is credited with inventing the “rebel yell;” his ancestors have been locked in litigation with Billy Idol for years.

FOGHORN LEGHORN The cartoon chicken. No one knows how he got there, but Mitch McConnell will be damned if that proud rooster is coming down. “Over my dead, over my dead, over my dead…it ain’t gonna happen,” the Senator has been quoted as saying.

DIXIE RAY FOOTFALL As far as anyone can tell, Mr. Footfall was a tight end for LSU in the 70’s. No further information is available. Also, the face on the statue is clearly Lee Marvin.

HOLCOMB AMAGANSETT A landowner and Confederate financial supporter, the Major–he insisted upon being called that despite never serving in any military–despised blackness so much that he refused to blink. When asked why, he would shout “AH WON’T ABIDE TH’ DARKNESS!” and start swinging his cane around like a lunatic.

BOCEPHUS AND LUCAS DUKE Maybe these two shouldn’t come down. They never meant any harm, and they fucking hated cops (except Enos).

BURR MANILOW, JR. General Manilow led Alabama’s 3rd Division (The Lynchin’ 3rd!) to defeat at both the Battle of Possum’s Innards and the Battle of Pungent Shoals, then died with the remnants of his forces at the Battle of Scumbox Valley.

LESTER MADDOX The actual Lester fucking Maddox. Axe handle and all.

And now…you know your Capitol Confederates!

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Meeting With Democratic Party Leaders, 10/16/19

October 17, 2019 / / 1 Comment

INT. WHITE HOUSE CABINET ROOM – AFTERNOON

“Nancy, Chuck, come in. I want you to know that I had no idea this meeting was taking place. Complete surprise to me, which is very rare because I am aware of everything that happens in all my properties.”

“Hello, Mr. President.”

“Happy Sukkot, Mr. President.

“I come in here after lunch and wing wang womp there you are. We did Whoppers. Amazing sandwich, the Whopper. Whole different beast than a Big Mac. The Big Mac is tall and elegant, like Ivanka. Whopper’s low to the ground. Sturdy base on a Whopper. Couldn’t knock one over. Pence, run back to the Oval Office and see if there’s any Whoppers left. I wanna see if Nancy can knock it off its feet.”

“Mr. President, I don’t want to tackle a Whopper.”

“You can’t. You don’t want to because you can’t. Democrats are very weak and scared of my lunch, which is very strong.”

“Uh-huh. We were told that this meeting would be about Syria.”

“Syria, Shmyria. That’s what I told the Italian President when he was here this morning. No one in the Middle East voted for me, but almost everyone in the Middle West did. We had an incredible victory on election night that people are still talking about. You’ll never guess who called me last night.”

“Mr. President, I–”

“Guess.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Guess, c’mon, guess.”

…

“Was it–”

“Pat Sajak! Guy’s had a hit show for how many years now? Big, big, big star. The yokels come in, they spin the wheel, win a car, whatever, it’s great. He does such a wonderful program over there, and he’s been rewarded. I never got an Emmy for The Apprentice, and I blame that on jealous losers being haters. And Hillary probably made some calls. I bet she made some calls. I believe she did.”

“Hillary Clinton rigged the Emmy Awards now?”

“You don’t know with that family! What was I talking about?”

JEW KICKING A RICH LADY UNDER THE TABLE NOISE

“Don’t remind him about Sajak!”

RICH LADY KICKING A JEW BACK NOISE

“I wasn’t going to! I’m not an idiot.”

RICH LADY AND JEW KICKING EACH OTHER A COUPLE TIMES, HARD, NOISE

“Mr. President, once again: we were asked to come here today to discuss the ongoing events in Kurdish-held Syria.”

“Taken care of! I wrote a letter, one of the most perfect letters you’ve ever seen, and we sent it over to whats-his-name, Captain Turkey. All taken care of by your beloved President, probably the best one America’s ever had. I wanna read everybody the letter. General Kelly?”

“He quit months ago, Mr. President.”

“Where’s my General?”

“Why are you looking in Mike McCarthy’s ear? He’s not in there.”

…

“General?”

“Maybe someone else could pass the letter out, Mr. President.”

“It won’t be as much fun. He does this thing where he flips the paper across the table, and it stops right in front of you. Never misses.”

“I think we’ll manage.”

“Fine. Pence!”

UN-INDICTED CO-CONSPIRATOR PASSING OUT PAPERS NOISE

“I’m gonna read it, you can read along. Chuck, you can help Nancy sound out the letters. I had to say it, Nancy. I had to. Many people have told me that you don’t know how to read. Not well, at least. Some people say not at all, some people say a little bit. Maybe the truth’s in the middle, I don’t know.”

“Oh, just read the letter.”

“You’re gonna be amazed. Ahem.

Let’s work out a good deal! You don’t want to be responsible for slaughtering thousands of people, and I don’t want to be responsible for destroying the Turkish economy — and I will. I’ve already given you a little sample with respect to Pastor Bronson. I have worked hard to solve some of your problems. Don’t let the world down.

You can make a great deal. General Mazloum is willing to negotiate with you. and he is willing to make concessions that they would never have made in the past. I am confidentially enclosing a copy of his letter to me. just received.

History will look upon you favorably if you get this done the right and humane way. It will look upon you forever as the devil if good things don’t happen. Don’t be a tough guy. Don’t be a fool!

I will call you later.*

“Wasn’t that great?”

BIPARTISAN STUNNED SILENCE NOISE

“Was that a joke?”

“You’re the joke, Nancy! You’re a nasty lady who wouldn’t know a good letter if it bit you, and you’re not hot anymore. No one invited you here to be rude and unpatriotic about my wonderful, very American and strong letter. I might have Ted Nugent set this letter to music, and that’ll be the new National Anthem.”

“Mr. President, that letter is going to get more Kurds killed, and it will get more ISIS prisoners released.”

“You’d love that. You love ISIS.”

“I do not love ISIS at all.”

“You love ISIS so much. You wanna kiss ISIS.”

“This is just insulting.”

“Nancy and ISIS, sittin’ in a tree.”

“Stop it! Mr. President, your rash decision–”

“Beautiful decision.”

“–to suddenly abandon the Kurds is leading to their slaughter. You’ve created a power vaccuum that will leave tens of thousands of civilians dead, thousands of ISIS fighters free, and more control of the region for Vladimir Putin.”

“What about Putin? Did you talk to him? What did he say about me?”

“Mr. President, you’re getting people killed.”

“Not people. Kurds.”

“Holy shit.”

“Have you ever met a Kurd? Not great. Not a fun experience. A little dangerous, if I’m totally honest. Something off about those folks.”

“Is there any chance of a fruitful discussion here?”

“Nancy, you have never given me a boner.”

“We’re done.”

“Not once!”

RICH LADY, A JEW, AND SOME OTHER DEMOCRATS LEAVING THE CABINET ROOM NOISE

 

 

*This is the verbatim transcript of a letter that the President of the United States sent to the dictator of Turkey.

A Partial Transcript Of Opening Day Of The 116th Congress

January 4, 2019 / / 0 Comments

CAPITAL BUILDING – CHAMBER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES 

“Order. Order. I call the House to order, please. Order. Hey, Gowdy, put the vodka away.”

“How about I stick it up your ass, McCarthy?”

“Jesus, man.”

“Jesus isn’t coming to Congress anymore. It’s just Muslims and Chinamen here now.”

“GOWDY!”

“Aw, kiss it.”

“Order! Order! I call the 116th Congress to order! Hey! Ted Lieu! You wanna put your pants back on, get off your desk, and stop doing the Fortnite dance?”

“I’m just so happy!”

“Everyone pipe down! Just settle, people, settle. We assemble here in this august hall to, for the 116th time since our nation’s founding, form a legislature, one of three equal branches of government that answer to the President. It is a fraught moment for our democracy, and I am reminded of something that the great Ronald Reagan said: The Democrats are traitors and should be executed on the Mall. I love Reagan. Named every dog I ever owned after that man.”

WHITE MEN CHEERING NOISE

“In the eight years Republicans have been in control of both houses of Congress, we’ve done wonderful things for our country. We’ve fought against Obamacare turning our families into Communists.”

WHITE MEN CHEERING NOISE

“We’ve rescued the economy from Obama’s regulations, which were racist.”

WHITE MEN CHEERING NOISE

“And for the past two years we’ve supported the greatest President this or any country has ever had, Donald J. Trump!”

WHITE MAN LOSING THEIR SHIT NOISE

“But we now find ourselves at the finale, and I will turn over the Speaker’s gavel to my distinguished colleague, and fellow Californian, Nancy Pelosi. But first: And nooooow the end is neeeeeear, and so I faaaace the final cuuuuurtain.”

“Okay, just gimme the gavel, Kevin.”

“Fuck off, Nancy. I’m singing the whole song. My friend, I’ll say it cleeeeear, I’ll state my–“

“Just give it to me, jackass!”

“No!”

“Mine! Mine! Mine!”

TWO GROWN-UPS WRESTLING OVER A GAVEL NOISE

“Kick her in the puss!”

“WHO SAID THAT? Whoever said that just lost his office!”

78-YEAR-OLD WOMAN BODYSLAMMING A GUY FROM BAKERSFIELD NOISE

“As I was saying: welcome all legislators to the 116th Congress. For my first act as the new Speaker of the House, I would like to invite the props up here. Children. I meant I wanted to invite the children up here. C’mon, kids. Oh, so diverse. It looks like an old episode of Sesame Streetup in here. Wonderful. Where’s the disabled kid that’s gonna do the gaveling? Didn’t we get a cripple? Okay, next best thing: gimme an Arab kid. You. You, c’mere. Pound this gavel.”

GAVEL POUNDING NOISE

“Good job. The Democratic Party will now begin breast-feeding. This year–”

“MIZ SPEAKER! Steven King from Iowa rises to make a point of order!”

“What is it, Steve?”

“I ain’t fond o’ Jews.”

“We know.”

“Wanted it on the record.”

“Good for you. Allow me to first thank my family, my hometown of San Francisco, the generosity of Israel and her supporters, and the Reverend Louis Farrakhan. I stand before you as the leader of a party united by not our race, gender, or religion, but by our beliefs. What those beliefs are is up for debate, but at least we’re not complete monsters propping up a deadly nitwit. Our agenda is aggressive and will focus on the American family. We will also expel Louis C. K. from the country. ”

“YOU’RE DOING GREAT, NANCE!”

“Not the right time, Mickey.”

“THANKS FOR THE SEATS!”

“Trying to give a speech here, buddy.”

“DO YOU KNOW THERE’S NO BEER GUY?”

“Shh! The Democratic Party has a long and storied history, even if we don’t like telling long stories about that history before the late 60’s. We are the party of inclusion, and now I believe that it is the Democratic Party that can be called, in Ronald Reagan’s phrase, the Big Tent.”

WHISKEY BOTTLE BEING BROKEN OVER A DESK AND WAVED THREATENINGLY NOISE

“You keep Dutch’s name outta your whore mouth!”

“Sit down, King!”

“I’ll carve you up, lady.”

“Take your fat ass back to Long Island.”

BELLIGERENT BIGOT BEING WRESTLED TO THE GROUND NOISE

“As I was saying, this Congress must work together. All of its members are welcome in my office at any time. Except for the 21 dead motherfuckers who voted against me for Speaker. There’s a reason I’m still in charge, dipshits. If I was a man, they’d talk about me like they talk about Rayburn. I’m gonna rip the skin off your bodies. You’re never gonna see it coming.”

“Rise to speak, Madam Speaker!”

“What are you doing here, Senator Cruz? This is the House.”

“My new beard told me I needed to speak up during this occasion. I have here in my possession color photographs of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez engaged in sexual activity.”

“What?”

“These photos have recently emerged. They depict Miss Ocasio-Cortez when she was in high school. She is kissing a boy. The kiss in what’s referred to as the ‘French’ style, meaning there is a lingual component to the interaction. And if you look at this picture right here, you’ll notice the boy’s right hand. He is clearly going for tit.”

“Senator Cruz.”

“I’ve gone for plenty of tit, and I can tell you flat-out: that boy’s going for tit. See how all the muscles in his forearm are tensed up? That’s your tell.”

“Senator Cruz.”

“And if we can extrapolate from the wanton and randy expression on Miss Ocasio-Cortez’ face, she was gonna give up the tit. That’s what kind of woman we’re dealing with here, Madame Speaker. Just giving up the tit left and right.”

…

“I have masturbated to these photos.”

“OUT! Out! Go back to your cloakroom and reenact Eyes Wide Shut or whatever it is you pompous weirdos do over there on your side of the building. Go!”

POSSIBLE ALIEN BEING ESCORTED, MASTURBATING, OFF OF THE HOUSE FLOOR NOISE

“Okay, let’s just wrap this up. Any one of you says the ‘I’ word in public, and I use your skull as a toilet. Let’s go call some donors!”

Mick And Nancy

April 14, 2015 / / 0 Comments

mickey nancy pelosi

“Congresswoman, if you’ll keep moving along the display of foreign drums I’ve terrified foreigners into giving me,  you’ll notice the small hand drum. It’s called a Hooooooom and was given to me by the Arakeen people of the Western Sahara.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Fascinating people. They engage almost primarily in the spice trade. Apparently, Congresswoman–and I did not know this, they did not tech me this in school–there are giant sand worms out there and they basically poop LSD.”

“You didn’t know that because it is Dune. The book. And the many sequels and movies.”

“Oh, I knew Dune had the same kind of thing, but I thought it was a ‘based on a true story’ kind of thing. Like dragons.”

“There are also no dragons, Mickey.”

“No, there are no dragons.”

“Were there dragons, Mickey?”

“We cannot know the past, Congresswoman.”

“Regardless: that drum did not come from the Arakeen people who ride sandworms. Also, it reads Made in China. Mickey, I think hippies were messing with you.”

“Then, my naming ceremony was a lie?”

“What did they name you?”

“Kwisatz Haderach.”

“Sorry, pal.”

Jive Five

April 13, 2015 / / 5 Comments

mickey pelosi sarducci

Random observations:

  • Mickey is the derpiest of all Grateful Deads. Sure, Phil derps on occasion, but you will find that–most often–Phil is more of a goon than a derp. Mickey is straight-up derp.
  • Nudie suit is the answer to every fashion question. Wedding? Nudie suit. Funeral? Nudie suit. Astronaut? Nudie suit.
  • That might, by the way, be the only way to make astronauts more awesome: if their spacesuits were turquoise silk and covered in comets and stars made out of rhinestones.
  • Father Guido Sarducci is not employed by the Catholic Church in any capacity. It’s a guy named Don. The whole thing’s a put-on.
  • Who’s lost less hair: George Lucas or Phil? They are both Übermensch of follicular retention.
  • Derp. Herp derp.
  • Besides that, Mickey failed to hit it off with George Lucas when he began the conversation with, “My old keyboard player liked black chicks, too.”
  • Although, in Mickey’s defense, George’s idea about the 50th Anniversary was to “make it as terrible as possible.”
  • (As you might have inferred, TotD belongs in the revisionist-history camp that believes everything good about Star Wars came from people not named George Lucas. See: Ralph McQuarrie, Irving Kershner, Richard Marquand.)
  • That’s Nancy Pelosi’s third of four facial expressions still available to her; she calls it Havin’ a Hootenanny and uses it on donors when they give her money.
  • There are books to be written and not read by me about the gender dynamic in (elective) plastic surgery, but this photo certainly points to the differing relationship of men and women towards their faces because–God love ’em–the men in this pic are letting their faces do whatever the fuck they want. There is no discipline.
  • Dammit, Mickey: comb your hair.

Dead And Nancy

October 31, 2014 / / 3 Comments

 

bobby moickey mike gordon pelosi

There are three Grateful Deads in this picture. (There is one more Grateful Dead concealed behind a Phish: Billy, whose head you can barely see cresting over Mike Gordon’s head and whose hand you cannot see grabbing onto Nancy Pelosi’s ass.)

Mickey, as always, is prepared for a drum circle to break out at any moment. Later on, he will tell the Senator that he picked out the patriotic sweatband in her honor. Enthusiasts will recognize this as a blatant lie, as Mickey has been wearing that thing since, like, 1970.

Bruce, also as always, looks like a Founding Father. The man is so white he gets the Sunday Edition of the New York Times every day. Bruce is also not that tall: he is standing on a busboy named Carl. Luckily for all involved, getting stood upon by keyboardists is Carl’s fetish; everybody wins.

Bobby’s shitfaced.

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