I am beat, and well-poisoned. We’ll talk tomorrow. Until then, love each other.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Category: Uncategorized (Page 28 of 1031)
Sir, may I interest you in some of The Dan?
“The what? Get the hell away from me.”
I’m talking about The Dan, sir.
“You’re a nut, aren’t you?”
Nutty for The Dan, sir.
“I’m gonna call the cops.”
Do so! And when you get them on the line, tell them about The Dan!
“I have a bat in my trunk. I’m gonna get it if you don’t stop being weird.”
Will you bribe me with it?
“What?”
Will you offer me the bat in exchange for the cessation of Danliness?
“No. I’ll hit you with it.”
Worth it. I’ll take a beating for The Dan.
“Please go away.”
LIVE DAN, MUCHACHO!
First poison day, Enthusiasts. Got me a recliner and a nurse to monitor my vitals. Just gonna sit here and not die.
- Each blade of grass individually gold-plated.
- Patch of quicksand that eats around a dozen kids each Easter Egg Hunt.
- One of those poisonous gympie trees from Australia without, like, a fence around it or anything.
- Morlocks.
- Bunch of worn-out couches from Mar-a-Lago that Basketball Head charged the government $8,000,000 apiece for.
- Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.
- Eternal flame dedicated to Piščanca, Chicken God of Slovenia, who will one day return to peck out the souls of the unworthy.
- A 50′ statue of Robert E. Lee on a horse, and he’s wearing a tee-shirt that reads SUCK IT, DARKIES and so is the horse.
- More dog corpses than you’d prefer, but not as many as you’d expect.
- Stephen Miller masturbating on the hyacinths.
- Pile of baby doll heads, and when you ask about it, everyone flat-out denies that it’s there; you could be standing right in front of it, and Kayleigh MacEnany would be like “What pile of baby doll heads?”
- Daily Trapt concerts.
- Vastibule roses, which have the highest thorn density of any rose breed, and also aren’t that nice to look at.
- A giant topiary sculpted in the shape of Dr. Fauci getting rogered by a grizzly bear.
- Bunch of semi-military goons with no identifying badges beating the living shit out of the forsythia.
- Merch table.
Just try to argue with me. I dare you.
Ain’t nothing in the whole wide world better than the Girl Groups.
All the changes they will take their time
In the morning dust they’ll begin to rise
Halfway to a borderline
Well I can see the end
For the very first timeWell I know I lost just a little bit on the journey
When my mind’s been split by little things that didn’t fit on the way
Oh I know I lost just a little bit on the journey
Cause I’m trying so hard to get going
Sing it, Ian.
It might be twelve o’clock and it might be three
Time doesn’t mean that much to me
Ain’t felt this way since I don’t know when
Might not feel this way again
You’re all dying, too. You just don’t have a plan.
……………………..
Things my oncologist said quietly while reviewing my chart:
- Interesting.
- Huh.
- That’s, uh…hmm.
- Oh, wow, really?
I chose to take his utterances as compliments, and continue to hold that belief.
……………………..
I’m no Hercules
And this is Herculean
Tomorrow I will just be feeling the pain
………………………..
Get stupidly addictive opiates from your doctor without any pushback by using this one simple trick!
………………………..
A cancer haiku?
You fucking kidding me here?
Fuck off with that shit.
……………………….
Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma. Y’know those cancers that stay in one place, and the doctor looks at it every six months? This isn’t one of those. This is one of those lebensraum deals.
………………………..
SOMETHING MY ONCOLOGIST ACTUALLY SAID TO ME:
Should I take vitamins?
“Nah, you’re way past vitamins.”
………………………..
………………………..
Monday was the PET scan, which involved no puppies or kittens whatsoever; fucking liars. Lit that fucker up like a Buddhist monk at a protest. The rot is in my bones, apparently. Up and down my femurs, all across the pelvis.
Tuesday was the echocardiogram, to see if my heart is healthy enough for them to poison it. It is.
Today was the bone marrow biopsy. The doc plunged a titanium needle into my posterior iliac crest and sucked out some of the juice. Give that back, I wanted to say. It’s mine. I need it. I did not say that.
…………………………
It only hurts when I exist.
………………………..
My countrymen are stooges, vicious and thick, and so there are few outpatient centers available to put in what is called a port. The poison must be squoze in smooth, and over the course of four days; a regular IV line is not up to the extended abuse. The wear and tear of normal life would lead to yeeting. Hospitalization may be required, the doc said.
I asked why I could not come into the office every day, and receive the poison there.
“We could, but I’d…uh…like to start strong. You wanna be aggressive here.”
And then I asked him how long I’d have if, after leaving his office, I just stayed home and did nothing.
“Couple months? Maybe a couple months. Maybe.”
……………………………
I shuffle now, bowlegged and tenderfooted. The standing is passable, and I can still sit with the best of ’em, but if you saw me get out of a chair, you’d know.
……………………………..
Gonna get me a cancer bandana, and call it my candana. Gonna lose 40 pounds and wear all black and tie my candana ’round my boney skull, and then I’ll just hang around in public pointing at randos and hooting. I have transcended beyond taking my dick out at the food court, Enthusiasts. Gonna haunt that motherfucker.
It happened so goddamned fast. I’m setting the point on Fentanyl lollipops for September 1st, and I’d take the Under if I were you.
……………………………….
Some of you have sent along your thoughts, prayers, vibes, best-wishes; I thank each of you. One of you sent, like, 20 pounds of ice cream; this was an exceptionally kind gesture.
I will not be starting a GoFundMe, or turning the site into a tiered-access Patreon nightmare, or begin streaming on Twitch. There shall be no begging, this I promise you. If you wanna send me some dope, I would like that very much. The Donation Button has not moved. But if you don’t wanna, you don’t haveta.
………………………………
And now a reading from The Book of Fin, Iteration #18:
Everything changes; nothing lasts.
Nothing changes; everything lasts.
That book hasn’t steered me wrong so far.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I want you to know that I pray to Jesus, who is my favorite guy in the whole world, for your mortal souls. I hope He keeps and protects you, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Gosh, you folks just hate America. But, uh, I’m here tonight to introduce the greatest President that America’s ever had, Donald J. Trump. He is glorious and mighty, and his smile can cure phlebitis. Oh, the warmth of his close favor! When I first encountered it, I knew I’d do anything to remain within. We have touched, physically, on 14 separate occasions; a list is available from my press office.”
“C’mon, let’s go, no one wants to hear from you. Americans want to hear their favorite President.”
“Yes, sir. It is my honor, my pleasure, my sheer joy to introduce the 45th–”
“Soon to be 46th.”
“–President of the United States, the strong and bison-reminiscent Donald J. Trump.”
MILKSOP TRYING AND FAILING TO START A ROUND OF APPLAUSE NOISE
“All right, great, here I am which Sleepy Joe could not do, probably not in a million years. I mean that about Sleepy Joe. He’s in his basement. Maybe he’s fallen and can’t get up, I don’t know, people tell me he falls a lot. But I’m the President and so I’m in the White House talking about the China Virus, and the news is all good. Some of the best news you’ve ever heard, and even the fake news, who are monsters and I should maybe deport, won’t be able to twist it.
“We’re winning. My economy, which was so strong and powerful, is coming back. We’re doing the V-shape. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t make the shape V, but I knew that I could, and I like to win, and so we did the V-shape. Bing bong. Obama couldn’t do a V-shape. Best he could manage would be a U. But the bottom would be miles long. Miles-long bottom. Terrible U. Nowhere as good as my V.
“You go into Home Depot, and everyone’s shopping and buying–lightbulbs or wood or whatever, I don’t know–and you think ‘Man, President Trump did such a great job for America,’ and that’s true, but I’ve been treated so unfairly. I give the blacks jobs, and they burn down Wendy’s. I give the press ratings like no one’s ever seen, and they send antifa to Tucker Carlson’s house.
“We’re probably doing, I think, the best of all the countries in the world. A lot of them are reporting low death rates, but I know their real numbers. Three million people have died in Angela Merkel’s Germany, but they’re lying about it to make the U.S. look bad. Terrible woman, but the rest of the world is begging us for help. Begging! So I think we’re doing all right. There are some deaths, sure, but there’s always going to be some deaths. That’s part of life. Sad, but it’s part of life.
“We’ve done testing like you wouldn’t believe. We’re testing everywhere. You walk out your door, and there’s testing. It’s a really, really, really incredible thing that we’ve done with the testing. It’s not about how many tests you do, it’s about doing them right, and quite frankly we’re doing it so beautifully.
“America is protecting her wonderful, high-risk citizens. Diabetics, whatever. Seniors, our wonderful seniors who fought in our beautiful World Wars, they’re so great, but now they’re under attack from this filthy disease that China sent us. I will protect our beautiful old people, unlike Joe Biden, who doesn’t know where he is.
“Okay, questions. Let’s do some good questions. You.”
“Mr. President, what is your current position on mask use?”
“My current position is the same position I’ve always has, which is that I’m for them when they work, but sometimes they don’t work, and you also have to worry about snot, mucus, whatever. That gets in the mask, and it’s disgusting. But I’ve always been for the masks, which can be wonderful, but sometimes they’re not.”
“Do you believe there should be a federal mandate about wearing them in public?”
“I get nervous. And you know I’m not a guy who gets nervous. Rosie O’Donnell gets nervous. Remember Rosie? I just destroyed her career years ago, which she deserved for being a fat pig and very nasty to me. We were in the papers constantly. Lotta fun. But I don’t get nervous, but when I hear the word ‘mandate,’ I get nervous. I trust in the American people to do the right thing, which is to wear a mask if it’s appropriate.”
“And when is it appropriate?”
“We’re gonna leave that up to the states, which are very capable, and there are 50 of them. Next question. You there.”
“Mr. President, do you have any comment on the recent arrest of Ghislane Maxwell, the reputed criminal conspirator of Jeffrey Epstein?”
“Good luck to her. She’s a Palm Beach gal, and we used to run into one another. Pictures don’t do her justice: She really kept her figure together. Good luck to her. Next question. Jim Acosta?”
“Yes, sir.”
“You are fake news.”
“You never get tired of that, do you?”
“The American people need to know.”
“Yes, sir. Mr. President, the death toll from Covid-19 rose to 144,000 today. Could anything have been done to reduce that number?”
“The Chinese could have not sent their disease here. Or maybe the Demoncrats–I call them the Demoncrats instead of the Democrats, and people really enjoy that–could have not distracted me with their criminal impeachment hoax, which Nancy Pelosi and Shifty Schiff should be in jail for 50 years over.”
“But is there anything you could have done differently?”
“I think I’ve done very well. I’d give me an A. Maybe an A+. I closed down travel to China, which was very bold, and then I shut it down to Europe. Everyone said Mr. President, you can’t shut down travel to Europe, but I could and I did. Without those strong actions, we could be looking at five, maybe six million dead. I’ve done a pretty amazing job, if you think about it.”
“Uh-huh. Sir, have you made any condolence calls to the families of Covid victims?”
“I couldn’t hear you.”
“Have you made any–”
“Still nothing. Speak up.”
“HAVE YOU MADE ANY–”
“Just pull down your mask, Jim.”
JIM ACOSTA PULLING DOWN HIS MASK NOISE
“Corona protocol breach! Get him!”
FOUR SECRET SERVICE AGENTS TACKLING JIM ACOSTA NOISE
“I forgot how much fun these were. Okay, maybe we’ll do another one tomorrow, great, wonderful.”
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