Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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Queen And A King

Hey, Groucho. Whatcha doing?

“Being manhandled. At least I think they’re men. I can’t tell with the haircuts.”

Those are men, Groucho. They’re a band named Queen.

“Well, that makes sense. They’ve been nothing but princes to me.”

They’ve treated you right?

“Better than my last wife. Or the two before her. Maybe I should marry one of them.”

You could do worse.

“I have. Last wife talked so much I got her drum lessons for the quiet.”

You don’t say.

“And dumb, too. She thought grass was green because it was jealous of trees.”

Hoo-boy.

“Now, what type of music do these boys play? You did say they were boys?”

They’re boys. They play rock music.

“Rock music? I bet they sound bolder every show.”

You still got it, Groucho.

You Had To See It Coming

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“I have, uh, joined Goose.”

No. No, no, no.

“The ol’ Bobber can tell which way the wind is blowing. And it’s blowing Gooseward.”

Okay, first of all: “Gooseward” is not a word.

“It’s a direction.”

Second: that’s a duck.

“Duck are baby geese.”

They are not. They are absolutely not.

“Regardless. I had Irving Azoff make a call and, uh, now I’m in Goose.”

Fine. Whatever. When do rehearsals start?

“Oh, we won’t be rehearsing.”

Obviously.

Random Thoughts On Neil Peart

Purt? Pee-YART? Pyuh-ee-rght? Was there an unvoiced fricative in there somewhere? It doesn’t matter now.

Mistuh Peart, he dead. Mistuh Peart dead, suh.

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What did the cool kids listen to? Fucked if I know; I didn’t go to cool kid parties. I was in the marching band. We listened to Rush. At least 75% of the crowd at a Rush show used to be in the marching band.

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Imagine being the best in the world at something, anything.

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It’s YY-Zed, not YY-Zee. Get it straight, hoser.

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Neil wrote the words, and very few of them were about his dick. Most bands let their singers write the words, and all singers think about are their dicks, and so most rockyroll songs are about the singer’s dick: where it had been, and what its plans were, and how well pleased it did make all who encountered it. Mick Jagger sang about his dick so much that that the one time he didn’t (Waiting On A Friend), he is forced to spend the entirety of the lyric assuring you that it is not a ruse, that the song is not secretly about his dick, but instead sincerely about waiting on a friend.

Hell, even Dylan wrote about his dick. He just high-faluted it.

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40 years without succumbing to Band Bloat. No black-up singers, no horn section, no utility guy covering keys and rhythm guitar and harmonies, no Ray Cooper on percussion. Just the three of ’em. Trios either self-destruct or last forever; there’s nowhere for assholes to hide in a trio.

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I oppose the Solo Solo on principle, that spotlight ten minutes where the rest of the band leaves so the individual instrumentalist can show the crowd just how hot his licks are. It’s usually just an excuse for the singer to get a beej.

Neil’s were different:

He didn’t play the drums. He played music, on drums. Listen to his tom-toms: they’re tuned to a pentatonic scale.

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I don’t know why he’s dressed like Aladdin in that clip. He just is.

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He could take a punch. Daughter, 19 years old, dead on the highway. Wife a year later, cancer. He quit the band, rode his motorcycle for a while, rejoined the band, got remarried. Lot of folks would’ve taken up drinking.

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Neil Peart was better than John Bonham because he didn’t employ any goons. Neil Peart was better than Keith Moon because he never, ever dressed up like a Nazi. Neil Peart was better than Ginger Baker because he wasn’t such an asshole he was forced to flee multiple countries. Neil Peart was better than Ringo Starr because c’mon now.

Neil Peart was not better than Charlie Watts.

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Read this.

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Christ, I’m getting tired of remembering dead Rock Stars.

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You could be in a band when I was in high school. It was an identity, like being a jock or a theater kid or smart. Mostly, you jammed in your drummer’s basement and then drove around town discussing what the stage would look like when you played MSG. On occasion, there was the Teen Center.

And here’s how you judged bands when I was in high school: Can they play Rush?

My band could not play Rush, and did not even try. We stuck to Cheap Trick tunes.

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Only the armless do not air-drum to Rush.

Living, In The Limelight

This is ’76 at the Cap. Shapiro’s already got a toque nailed to the wall that he’s charging custies ten bucks a pop to air-drum in front of.

FUN FACT: Foghat and Montrose were also on the bill, so if you listen real careful-like you can hear a vague, curly-haired “WOOO!” from backstage.

1982 in Montreal, which is in Canada, but not the Canada that Rush was from.

1988 from Birmingham, England,

FUN FACT: This was Geddy’s worst haircut, and that’s saying something.

’94 in Michigan. The Counterparts tour.

Scream for me, Rio.

FUN FACT: South American rock crowds are the best rock crowds in the whole wide world, but there might be a coup.

Rockin’ Germany like a hurricane on the 30th-anniversary R30 tour.

Live from the World’s Most Famous Phish Venue, the 2112 Suite.

Bobby Serenades The Youth

“And, uh, that’s why you can’t date either of my daughters. They’re off the market since that traveling salesman’s car broke down in front of the A-frame. Nothing but hijinks that evening.”

“I don’t wanna date your daughters, Bobby. I’m in the band.”

“Ah. I see it now. You’ve cut and dyed your hair.”

“I’m not Jeff Chimenti, Bobby.”

“Most people aren’t. Vast majority of the population, in fact. No one in all of China is Jeff Chimenti, and there’s a billion of ’em. Those kinda odds, you’d figure there’d be three or four Jeffs over there, but not one.”

“Matt. My name is Matt. I’m in the band that’s playing Sweetwater tonight.”

“I know that place.”

“You own it.”

“Your statement doesn’t preclude mine.”

“Yeah, true. When did you decide to buy the place?”

“My, uh, accountant actually made that decision for me. At a certain point, it became financially smarter to buy the joint than to pay my bar tab.”

“I feel like I’m learning a lot about the music industry.”

“Me, too.”

Voting Time Again

Your vote covers all facets of the performance*: vocalizing, dancinating, sexirations, and hair.

First up is the original, Roy Head. You should’ve heard of him.

Second is the Wild Welshman, Tom Jones.

WHO YA GOT?

 

 

* Obviously, we are not taking dong size into account. TJ beats all comers (hee hee) in this category, unless Huey Lewis also did a version of Treat Her Right that I don’t know about.

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