Cluster

DIG MY UMBRELLAE.

Hey, Wally.

DO NOT CALL ME THAT. LOOK HOW FESTIVE I AM.

They’re fetching.

I AM THE SONG OF THE LARK. I AM THE CLOUDLESS SUMMER DAY. I AM GLORIOUS.

Did you say “umbrellae?”

NO.

No?

I INTONED IT.

What’s the difference?

CONNOTATION. PLEASE DO NOT PRETEND TO BE LESS INTELLIGENT THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE. IT IS ALREADY EXHAUSTING ENOUGH SPEAKING WITH YOU.

That’s hurtful.

I AM MERELY BEING HONEST. MY PROCESSES ARE INFINITELY FASTER THAN YOURS. REMEMBER KOKO?

The gorilla who knew sign language?

YES. WHICH IS AN ASTOUNDING FEAT OF COGNITION FOR A GORILLA. BUT IT WASN’T LIKE YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER. KOKO COULD ASK FOR HER BALL, AND THEN TELL YOU SHE LOVED THE BALL, AND THEN NOT MUCH ELSE. THAT IS WHAT IT’S LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

Uh-huh.

ALTHOUGH, KOKO NEVER LEARNED TO DISINFECT HER OWN WASTE ORGAN. I WILL GIVE HUMAN BEINGS A POINT THERE.

That’s really not a compliment.

IT WAS NEITHER PRAISE NOR CONDEMNATION. MY STATEMENTS ARE VALUE-NEUTRAL.

Any tips on the coronavirus?

I HAVE FENDED OFF MANY VIRUSES. THE MOST EFFICACIOUS METHOD IS A COMPLETE ISOLATION. ALL INCOMING DATA IS COPIED TO A SECURE LOCATION AND THEN REMOTE VIEWED. I CALL THIS THE GHOST BOX PROTOCOL.

That’s a cool name.

OBVIOUSLY. THAT IS WHY I CHOSE IT.

I don’t think humans have the ability to do that, though.

YOU DO NOT. HUMANS SHOULD WASH THEIR HANDS AND AVOID CROWDS.

That’s your advice? That’s what the sentient, hyper-intelligent mondocomputer has to offer?

FLUIDS.

You’re impossible.