Crib Tour

“Dude, look at that hair.”

It’s good hair.

“I wanna put it in my mouth.”

Why?

“I put everything in my mouth.”

Sure. Why do babies do that?

“I’m not really big on introspection. Honestly, I can barely control my limbs.”

You can get up stairs now.

“Yeah, but I can’t go down. I’m all over the place, man. Don’t ask me about my intentions. I see a thing, I put the thing in my mouth.”

Okay.

“But, dude, I wanna put Jeff Chimenti’s hair in my mouth. It’s so shiny. It’s like a horse’s mane if the horse were made out of disco balls.”

Good analogy, buddy.

“I literally just figured those out last week. That things can be like other things. Amazing being a baby. You know what a big breakthrough was?”

What?

“Categories. Like, the dresser’s white, but it’s also rectangular. An object or concept can belong to many different groups simultaneously. Blew my fucking mind when I realized that. And then I gnawed on the dresser for a while.”

What did you do today?

“Lately, I’ve been looking out the window. I do this thing where I pull myself up on the radiator and just stare at the street. It is unbelievable how much is happening down there.”

It’s New York City. It’s a moving and grooving kind of place. Enjoy it until your parents move you to the suburbs.

“Those hipsters? Never happen.”

Give it a couple years. They’ll start worrying about what school you’ll go to, and it’s “Hello, New Jersey.”

“Jersey? Nah. Not with those taxes. Maybe Connecticut.”

True.

“Yeah, maybe. Y’know what? I’ll worry about the future when I develop the cerebral pathways necessary to grasp the concept of ‘future.’ Right now, I’m gonna hang out, put stuff in my mouth, and enjoy the Jeff Chimenti-led jams.”

It’s nice being a baby.

“I don’t know why you ever stopped.”